AND I’M THE ONLY ONE!

Ha ha, now that song is stuck in your head, too.

Speaking of stuck, I just spent the morning writing about bioethics, and now I’m good and ready for something different. I love this game that’s going around Facebook:

What’s something you’ve done that you’re reasonably confident you’re the only person on my friends list who has done it?

I’m probably the only person reading this who . . .

threw up on live radio while talking about the moral obligation to vaccinate.

wrote a book that appeared on not one but two lists of worst book covers of the year and also briefly outsold the pope’s newest book on Amazon.

shook hands, at age fourteen, with the brother of my super super crush, Jack Kemp *swoon*.

wrote a letter of complaint to the authors of a book of movie reviews deploring the overuse of the word “swashbuckling” in reference to Erroll Flynn.

convinced my tenth-grade psychology class, including the teacher, that our mailman had had a nervous breakdown and become convinced he was actually a penguin, and that the post office didn’t intervene until he became too forceful in his demands for raw fish.

ate so many Hot Tamale candies while working as a carpet shampoo telemarketer that I briefly thought I had colon cancer.

spray painted bagels gold on two separate occasions, once for a wedding anniversary, and once for a LOTR-themed birthday party.

shook hands with the governor for my award-winning limerick about photosynthesis..

was blacklisted by Tito Edwards for posting a photo of a potato.

came within inches of presenting my book to the bishop of Vermont at a confirmation, only to realize that I had already inscribed it to the bishop of New Hampshire at the last confirmation, but then chickened out and brought it home again.

followed a chicken truck all the way to the wrong orthodontist.

How about you? You seem pretty unlikely to me. What have you done that no one else reading this has probably done? Being able to recite all the Melissa Etheridge lyrics doesn’t count.

25 thoughts on “AND I’M THE ONLY ONE!”

  1. I’m pretty sure I’m the only person I know who counted earthworms as a job. Also the only person on my friends list who got strip-searched in Israel.

  2. There are Catholic bloggers reading this, so I could be wrong about -this-crowd, but I’m certainly the only one on my Facebook friends list to have offered Tim Powers a ride to Mass.

      1. Sadly, no. I’d been fangirling on him so hard for the entire convention that I think he might have been worried that I was planning to keep him locked in my basement or something.

  3. 1. I let my little girl dress up like a fairy and frolic with cross dressing wood nymphs for the Summer Solstice parade.

    2. I go bar hopping from time to time with a small crowd of people that I used to breastfeed.

    3. I let my kids swim in the ocean till 8:30 last Wednesday, because the Mom of my friend is a hairdresser to the stars, and she was telling me juicy dirt about Hollywood icons.

    4. I once got in a fight with a young Jesuit who was not only too conservative (Yes. It’s possible.) I triumphantly made my husband choose sides. (I’m usually much more diplomatic, and better behaved with a man of the cloth but he played the misogyny card.) I won.

    5. I slipped some tequila past security and accidentally got a little drunk at a concert with my husband and fourth kid (Loud music and hard alcohol don’t mix well for me). The dancing was fun but walking back to the car a mile away with high heels became a family project. I apologized the next day, and went to confession soon thereafter. He was nice to me for a whole month after that. We may have to do it again as a bonding project.

    6. I was wined and dined in a convertible red Mercedes by a grandson of a president of Mexico when I was 15 or 16 and still managed to save myself for my not-so-future husband.

    7. I accidentally went on a double date with a Middle Eastern terrorist. We managed to escape.

    8. I buzzed the equatorial rain forest in a plane with no sides.

    9. I got hauled into security by two armed guards at the MGM Grand for gambling when I was 15. My Dad pretended he didn’t know me when we walked by.

    10. I eat raw salmon for breakfast at least once a week.

    11. I sometimes drink wine, sew, read, and macrame rosaries on the roof, possibly while naked. A trimmed hedge has temporarily put a halt to the naked part.

    1. I guess I should clarify that the terrorists we went out on date with were the American flag burning variety from Iran in the 1980s. We didn’t realize they were big creeps/weenies until we got back to their place where they had poster sized pictures of themselves on the walls with guns and the flag burning and all. :/ That’s what I got for trusting the intuition of a 21-y.o. who spent most of her life in a ballet studio…

  4. Broke my back falling out of a bunk bed (while completely asleep) in college.

    I’m also the only person reading this who got dressed with a broken back while waiting for the security guard to come fetch me to the infirmary, because the thought of going to the infirmary in my ridiculous pajamas was too much to bear.

  5. Pretty sure I’m the only one who has wished (Archbishop) George Lucas a happy Star Wars Day.

    Probably the only one who went on a blind date due to being introduced to a co-worker’s girlfriend as a “good girl”; the girlfriend said, “Oh, you should meet my brother, he’s a virgin too; you’d be perfect for each other!”

    The only one who has given birth with a brother-in-law present. Total accident, I hadn’t hired him on as a doula or anything; I didn’t mean to have the baby in my living room either.

  6. I don’t know if fairly ordinary things count that don’t come up in these discussions, so I wonder if I am the only person reading this who regularly teaches horseback riding lessons, and rides a horse trained by people in my family.

    I am pretty sure that I am the only person I know who missed a trip to Paris because of a broken knee from having a pony (which I was NOT riding at the time) fall on me, in a totally non-stress, unexciting situation (not training a wild horse, or scrambling up a steep hill, or jumping a ditch, just standing in the field trying to give her a pill, when another horse came up and scared her, so she stumbled and fell on me). I ended up going to Paris 5 years later.

  7. I’m pretty sure my husband and I are the only ones who have ever been approached by an undertaker in small-town Iceland and been asked to help him move a few “boxes” which turned out to be coffins.

  8. At a diocesan synod discussion group, I told a priest pretty sharply that his idea was terrible. I was a little embarrassed . . . then I found out he was the Vicar General.

    I’m sure I’m the only person who has ever, in one of the reverent hushes during Holy Week, begun reciting “The Three Billy Goats Gruff” in a piercing voice from under a pew. But I was only three at the time.

  9. I’m probably the only one here…
    – whose cartoon for her high school paper was criticized for being “too dry” and changed before publication (and who still regrets not telling them to just leave it out altogether).
    – who has appeared in a promotional video for Campus Crusade for Christ set to the “Cowboy Bebop” theme song.
    – who has sung “Someone Like You” from the musical “Jekyll & Hyde” at talent shows at two separate schools.
    – who once took two buses and two trains to get to a funeral, only to realize upon arrival that she was at the wrong church.
    – who has written to Disney asking that they release the complete series of “Gravity Falls” on DVD.
    – who once joined a group interview at Massage Envy more or less on a whim.

  10. Apparently actual allergies to Red #40 food dye are quite rare, but my allergy test came out positive. (And I can’t say, looking back, that I’m too surprised: I grew up mostly in the 1990s, where every kid’s food that could be dyed bright colors absolutely was, and I ate a ton of it. I think by twenty-five my body was just *done* with dealing with it.)

  11. Hilarious! I enjoyed reading these. Here’s my attempt – I’m pretty sure I am the only one here who:

    -named her cat after a town in Armenia

    -tried to move an entire apartment by herself with only a Uhaul and a dolly (and with the exception of my sofa chair, I did in fact get everything into the Uhaul, but a friend had to bail me out the next day and help me unload the truck.)

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