VATICAN CITY — In a stunning about-face, Pope Francis has not announced that married men can be priests and women can be deacons. Absolutely no one predicted that this would happen, and all the most thoughtful and reflective analysts in the Catholic world are absolutely baffled.
“I caca’d myself when I heard,” said Monsignor Domingo DiFrootsi-Morales, a Jesuit scholar long considered to have his finger on the pulse of doctrinal development. “My dear, I absolutely caca’d myself. I’ve been listening to a bunch of American podcasts and it was pretty obvious where things was headed. The entire Bergoglian Nightmare has been an unbroken stream of radical, disastrous reversals of tradition, so this latest move from Papa, where he didn’t trample on established norms? It really came out of left field.”
“Am I saying that right?” he added with a gallic wince. “Left field? I’m really more familiar with foosball.”
Sources close to the Vatican have confirmed that Pope Francis literally had his hand poised over a parchment-patterned exhortation titled “Unleash Modernism Subito” and was ready to sign it into Canon Law, which is how it works, when he was distracted by the sound of five mysterious splashes.
According to sources, he hustled over to the window and was astonished to see a tall, heroic-looking figure hunched over the Sant’Angelo Bridge. Although it was dark, the figure was illuminated by the light of righteousness. Also, Pope Francis could see him because his eyes have been sharpened by years of malicious squinting.
“Holy crapballs,” the Pontiff reportedly exclaimed. “I need to think this through some more.” He then snuggled himself into his lavender-scented papal sleeping bag and fell into a deep sleep, where, according to reports, he was visited by the Spirit of Vatican II, who showed him what life would have been like if he had never existed.
“It was actually pretty nice,” the Vicar of Christ told reporters sheepishly. “Everyone was able to uphold traditional values again. Every single dude I saw had his own really neat sword and was married to Donna Reed, and there were no gay people at all, just like Malaysia. Just a lot of purity, you know? ¡Caramba! It almost makes me regret the way I blackmailed poor old Benedict into quitting. I wasn’t ever really going to hurt his kitty cat, anyway. Just an empty threat.”
At time of publication, the Pope was reportedly searching for the contact page of that guy with the YouTube channel and the Latin Twitter handle and the little beard thingy, so he could get his take on some theology stuff.
“Enough dicking around, Imma donate to his Patreon right meow,” the Pontiff said. “I’m ready to be real Catholic, finally. Oh! Oh! Maybe I can get them to explain Aquinas to me. Let’s see . . . martial debt, marital debt . . .”
Images: https://fr.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fichier:Pope_Francis_South_Korea_2014_(1).png (Creative Commons)