A short primer on women’s health for hags

Welcome to your late 40’s! This is the season of life that brings wisdom, confidence, interior strength, and silver wings in your hair, but it can also bring some less welcome changes. Mood swings, weight gain, decreased libido, heavy or irregular menses, spotting, migraines, skin changes, hair changes, and a special hamper just for poo poo undies can all be normal if unwelcome developments. 

Luckily, there are remedies available. But first, it’s vital to pinpoint your specific symptoms so a treatment plan can be tailored just for you.

Heavy menses: This may be a sign of low progesterone.

Spotting: This may be a sign of low progesterone.

Very light menses: This may be a sign of low progesterone.

Irregular menses: This may be a sign of low progesterone. 

Any kind of mensy menses: [screechy monkey voice, accompanied by trombone] This may be a sign of lowdy-low-low progesterony-wony.

Mood swings: Go fuck yourself. 

If you opt to treat your symptoms with progesterone supplements, there are many forms to choose from. One of the most popular is a bioidentical progesterone cream, which is made from wild yams. This nature’s way of reminding you that, biologically, you’re very close to a bloody sweet potato and you’re lucky we even let you into a real doctor’s office with your whiny little bitch problems, you stupid whiny bitch. It may also help with mood swings. 

Timing is very important. A woman’s body is like a sacred clock, and, like any timepiece, it must occasionally be adjusted; but precision is a must. So if you’re using progesterone supplements to help regulate your cycle, it’s vital to use it after you ovulate and not before, and not too late, but not too soon, or else either it will make everything worse, or it won’t do anything and you’ll just be standing there rubbing yam cream into your elbow like a weirdo. It’s simple to calculate the proper time, because all women always ovulate exactly two weeks before their period. To calculate ovulation, simply count two weeks back from your period and then make sure you have already used progesterone cream starting two weeks ago. It’s simple. It’s yam simple.

There are also progesterone suppositories, because of course there are. 

Progesterone isn’t the only remedy, of course. Some women who are experiencing unexplained weight gain, loss of libido, migraines, mood swings, and irregular bleeding opt for the mini pill, which alleviates these problems. Just be aware that the mini pill causes weight gain, loss of libido, migraines, mood swings, and irregular bleeding of the yam. This is the only treatment your insurance will cover. 

Have you tried exercising? Low energy and mood swings can often be corrected by something as simple as getting moving.  Just pour your ponderous cottage cheese thighs into some shiny leggings, why don’t you, and go hit a treadmill with a mirror in front of it. This will make you feel better. Whoa, your knees look like cinnamon buns. Cinnamon buns that hurt. 

You can also achieve remarkable effects by simple dietary adjustments. Make an effort to avoid sugar, alcohol, chocolate, caffeine, salt, gluten, nitrates, tannins, HFCS, MSG, soy, dairy, wheat, nightshades, endives, carrageenan, joie de vivre, and marshmallows for six months, and see if that doesn’t help. Many women have also experienced profound relief through seed cycling, a practice that’s starting to get the attention of mainstream medical professionals who are clearly just buying time by sending women home to eat flax for a few months, and then sneaking them off their patient records and saying it was an insurance glitch. Some women have also achieved promising results in balancing estrogen by avoiding testosterone-dominant foods such as bananas, zucchini, very turgid cucumbers, and red hot wieners of all kinds. No wieners for you, ya’am. 

If all else fails, some women opt for a subalvectomy, which involves removing everything below the waist. Just get rid of it. Chop chop, problem solved. This is usually day surgery, because you have to get home in time to fix dinner.

Above all, remember this is just a season, and like the seasons, it will pass, and eventually you will die. And no one tells the dead to eat more yams. 


Image by jung2 from Pixabay

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6 thoughts on “A short primer on women’s health for hags”

  1. I love you, Simcha Fisher. Not in a creepy way. In a ‘thank you for making me laugh about this crap’ way. I just love you.

  2. Oh my gosh, you make me laugh! I’m sensational 60 (the new 40) and have been there done that! May I recommend a life saver for me, Emerita Pro-Gest cream. Yes, it’s full of yams, probably, but at least I don’t feel like my inside has a raging campfire that is igniting at random, inconvenient, and unpredictable embarrassing moments. Get some today! 🙂

  3. This was everything. I’m precocious, so it’s all starting quite early for me. You get me, Simcha! Someone understands and can make it so funny I’ll laugh in my extraordinarily hormonal, sleep deprived, acne ridden, bleeding for weeks state. Thank you!!

  4. What? No hot flashes? They’re my own personal plague. A 73 year old friend of mine once told me she had hot flashes for twenty years -from 51 to 71. Yikes. I keep telling myself every body is different. My mother, for instance, never had a single hot flash. Sleeplessness was her big symptom.

    Anyway, I have found if I stick to a strict ketogenic diet my hot flashes all but disappear. Keeps the weight down too. I’m so sensitive to carbs there are entire weeks where I don’t eat much besides meat. I cannot overstate how much better I feel eating this way. Just don’t tell my doctor. Or a nutritionist.

  5. As an older hag, I’ve learned from everyone and the internet, that everything will cure it for someone, it’s just never me. Thank you, (as one with silver wings that cover her whole head), who opted to keep eating, exercising and sleeping when she can, and just let everyone else deal with the mood swings for the best cure, a good laugh and no yams.

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