Old movie review: UNBREAKABLE asks very big questions

Last night, we watched one of my favorite movies, Unbreakable (2000). It’s Shyamalan’s best film (with Signs as a close second), with the most on its mind. Like his other movies, it’s nail-bitingly intense, and it does have a twist at the end; but it’s also about how we come to know ourselves. Audaciously, it asks the question, “What does it mean to be a good man?”

This post has no end of spoilers! It’s intended to encourage people to re-watch this movie, which doesn’t get the recognition it deserves.

The entire movie plays with the idea of good vs. evil, and asks us to consider how they really relate to each other. Do they depend on each other for their existence? It shows us a comic book world and tells a comic book story, and teases us with the idea that comic books give us an accurate, black-and-white picture of the world; but ultimately, it tells us that good and evil are not equal and opposite. It tells us that good is true and powerful, while evil is deranged and deluded.

The movie often puts true words into the mouth of evil: As Elijah Price (Samuel L. Jackson) says, “Real life doesn’t fit into little boxes that were drawn for it.” He says this, but he doesn’t act on it. Elijah Price is the perfect modern villain who sees everything, considers everything, and constantly seeks meaning — but he draws all the wrong conclusions. He displays Egyptian pictograms, Christian icons, and prehistoric cave paintings on his walls, alongside the line drawings from comic books from the 40’s) — but he doesn’t make any distinctions between what meaning they may convey. In his world, everything he encounters tells him one thing. He says that the world doesn’t fit into neat boxes, but he certainly behaves as if it does.

But let’s step back for a moment. The first two times we see Elijah Price, it’s in a reflection: first in the mirror of the dressing room where he was born, and then in the TV screen of his childhood apartment. When he opens his first comic book, the camera trickily rotates so that the comic book stays still and the entire world turns around to accommodate it. This is where the skewing begins. Elijah later says that he’s waited his whole life to meet David Dunn (Bruce Willis), because the villain only knows who he is when he meets his exact opposite.

He’s swallowed whole the idea that comic books tell us the truth about the world. He acknowledges that the traits of the hero and villain are exaggerated, but he believes they portray something not only true, but dead serious (refusing, for instance, to squander a comic book work of art on a child in his gallery).

You may think, “Ah, then this is a comic book movie, pitting against each other the equal, opposite, mirror image forces of good and evil.”  And this is certainly what Elijah believes is happening. He tells David:

Your bones don’t break, mine do. That’s clear. Your cells react to bacteria and viruses differently than mine. You don’t get sick, I do. That’s also clear. But for some reason, you and I react the exact same way to water. We swallow it too fast, we choke. We get some in our lungs, we drown. However unreal it may seem, we are connected, you and I. We’re on the same curve, just on opposite ends.

and then later:

Now that we know who you are, I know who I am. I’m not a mistake! It all makes sense! In a comic, you know how you can tell who the arch-villain’s going to be? He’s the exact opposite of the hero.

He believes that he will find meaning in his life — his purpose for being, the proof that he is not a “mistake” — by being the opposite of Dunn. They are both (like the name of his store) “limited editions”: extraordinary people, and they do seem to be mirror images of each other, black and white.

But notice what actually happens in the movie: David’s powers, and his potential goodness, turn out to be objectively real, and efficacious; whereas Elijah’s identity as evil is one he has chosen. He has always been “Mr. Glass,” the name given to him because of his undeniable, innate fragility, but where he goes wrong is to become a mere “glass” reflection, an inversion, of what he encounters. David, on the other hand, is already doing some good, as a security guard, keeping people safe; but he hasn’t come into his own, letting his true greatness out.

It seems, at first, that the movie wants us to see that good needs evil to exist — that we exist only as reflections of each other. And David Dunn does need Elijah to make him become himself, to see his power and his goodness. It was because of the evil catastrophes that Elijah engineered, and the questions Elijah asks, that makes Dunn realize for the first time that he is a “limited edition” who is “unbreakable.”  If it hadn’t been for the train wreck, David would never have come into his own as someone who truly provides security (emblazoned on the uniform that he didn’t even recognize as his superhero suit) in a dangerous world. If it hadn’t been for Elijah’s evil, he would not have known his own power as a hero.

Or would he? Notice that when he comes home after the wreck, he still intends to leave his family for some nebulous new start in New York. Notice that he has not yet escaped what the movie presents as his root trouble, that sadness in the morning — which Elijah correctly identifies as not knowing why you’re here in the world. He is still, as he tells the woman on the train in the very first scene, “alone,” and without identity, because he hasn’t fully chosen to be himself yet.

Who really rescues him from this trap? Not Elijah, but his son (Spencer Treat Clark), who believes with all his heart that his father is good and strong and a hero (and who turns out to be right!). As they walk out of the train station after the wreck, the son puts his parents’ hands together; and his son puts extra weight (“All of it!”) on his barbell, revealing to David what he is capable of. Finally, his son turns up the pressure with a gun, which shows David once and for all that no one can endure the pressure and misery of not knowing who he really is. The adults in the room think that the worst thing that could happen is that David will be shot; but the son only puts the gun down when he’s threatened with the thing which is actually worse: that David will leave, disconnect, deny his family, continue to be let life make choices for him.

What really makes the difference is when David chooses. He has already drifted, as Elijah points out, into the role of protector. Elijah says,

You could have been a tax accountant. You could have owned your own gym. You could have opened a chain of restaurants. You could’ve done of ten thousand things, but in the end, you chose to protect people. You made that decision, and I find that very, very interesting.

But David doesn’t yet choose things consciously, with full knowledge of what he is choosing, until his son forces him to answer the question: Is he great, or is he not? Is he invincible or is he not? Is he a good man, or is he not? He has to choose — and it’s then that he recommits to his family, integrating all the parts of his life, not just his physical strength.

It’s not enough to be the strong man who can see danger and who can save the world from mere ugly “maintenance.” That’s not the whole of who he is supposed to be. Maintenance is the real villain he has to struggle against (in the person of the killer in the orange suit, but also as an existential condition): maintaining things, keeping things as they are, letting them be. He has to choose deliberately as a whole man. He did this once when he chose Audrey (Robin Wright) over football; and he does it again, when he chooses both Audrey and his son, and his role as a hero.

When he quit football so that he could be with Audrey, he thought he had to stop being great for the sake of love; but later, he finds a way to choose both (although I will admit I’m disturbed that he plans to keep his power a secret from her!). He tells her that he knew something was wrong when he had a bad dream and didn’t turn to her for comfort (because she, as a physical therapist, is the one who heals and puts things back on track). She is not a “limited edition,” but he, David, needs her, and her love, and the love of their son, in order to come into who he really is. He needs not only invincibility, but healing. He cannot be who he was meant to be merely by defining himself against killers; he has to also choose love.

Anyway, that’s how I see it!

Please note that you can watch this movie as a tense, thrilling action movie, and enjoy the heck out of it. You don’t have to think about love or redemption or existential identities if you don’t want to. But if you do, you’ll hear this amazing movie telling us that while we can learn to become who we are through our relationship to other people, good does not need evil to be good. Evil is meaningless and insane; and good is powerful and real, but you can’t just let it happen — you have to choose it.

Bless me, Father, for I’m a mess

On Saturday, I realized that we could do part of the shopping, get to confession very easily, then finish shopping and get home before dinner.

The horror! There is nothing I resist more than going to confession. As soon as the idea pops into my head, eleven different excuses push their way forward, shouting and complaining. There’s no way! I have raw chicken in the car, and it’ll spoil! It would be inconsiderate to everyone else, because I left the baby at home! Probably Fr. Dan’s back hurts, and the last thing he wants is more people in line! I’m not even sure what time confession is!  I’ve only been a member of this parish for nine years; how am I supposed to know when confession is? And anyway, I haven’t had time to prepare properly! It would be an insult to God to show up and blurt out a few things and skip all the really important stuff. It would be better to wait until I can do a really thorough job of it. Confession is really important, so let’s do it right. Let’s do it some other time.

This panic is so familiar to me, I don’t even listen to it anymore. I just let it play out, and then think, “Are we done now? All right, then let’s go to confession.” And so I went, still pathetically clinging to the idea that maybe, just maybe, it’s at 2:00 after all, and if we show up at 2:30, and we’ll be too late. The church won’t even be there anymore, that’s how late we’ll be. Maybe?

Well, the church was still there, and we were not late. The horror!

I had been struggling with some confusion over a spiritual matter, which had been causing much misery. As I knelt down, my heart bleated out,

Listen, Lord. I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job. I guess you love me. Personally, I think you should make things really clear right now, because, come on. But here is my heart, and I’m trying to open it. If you tell me something I need to hear, I will try to hear it eventually, and I don’t know what else to say. Give me strength or whatever. Okay, thanks. See ya there.

And what do you know? The pastor (JESUS) told me something really clear, and obvious, and helpful, and enlightening, and liberating. It was way more illuminating than I even dared to hope for, and I floated out of the confessional grinning like an idiot. And crying. And grinning, while my nose ran and my heart sang.

That was a good one. I love it when that happens.

But! Even when it’s just regular old confession, where I trot out my stupid old worn out raggy old sins one more time, and the regular old priest just regular old absolves me, no special insight, no grand turning points . . . I still feel the same way.  I still feel like Ebeneezer Scrooge, after he’s repented and is going around making amends: Oh, I don’t deserve to be so happy. But I can’t help it. I just can’t help it!

It hasn’t always been this way. I’ve always had the resistance to going to confession, but it used to be that it didn’t let up, either during or after the actual sacrament. As I was in the confessional, I’d be sick and nervous, feeling like a phony and a liar.  I’d step out and think, “Oh, but wait, I forgot the main point! I don’t think I really explained what was really happening. And what about that thing eleven years ago? Have I ever really confessed that? Should I just get back into line? What is even the point of this, if I’m going to do such a bad job?”

And when I heard about other people floating out in an ecstasy of joy and relief, that further cemented the idea that I was doing it all wrong.

So what has changed?

I finally realized I was putting too much emphasis on myself doing it right. I finally realized that there was no way I could do it right enough to earn absolution. It was never about that. The fact that I’m uncertain and imperfect and sloppy and forgetful and let myself off the hook is kind of the point. It’s why we need confession in the first place. I put myself in that little box, and Jesus squints at me in the dim light and says, “Ohh, boy. Look, I’ll just take care of . . . all of this, okay? I’ll take care of you.”

That’s the point. That’s the whole point. That’s why He died: because there was never any question of us doing anything right. All we have to do is get in there, and He will take care of us.

That’s what it means, that Jesus died for us. We still suffer and we still struggle, we still feel pain and sorrow, guilt and grief. But we don’t have to worry about making sure we do it right. We’re not efficacious. We’re just not. What Jesus wants is for us to open ourselves up to Him and see very clearly that we’re helpless. That’s what He’s waiting for. That’s what He wants, more than He wants an impeccably thorough list of sins. He wants us to think less about ourselves and our failings — even our failings to confess properly! — and more about Him and His unimaginable mercy.

Obviously, we have to make our best effort to fulfill our obligations as well and thoroughly as we can. That’s why the Church tells us what to say and what to do; and yes, we do have to say and do those things. But even as we try our best, we remember that even our very, very best isn’t going to be good enough.

So I just kind of . . . relax into that.

In the confessional, our job is to admit defeat and turn things over to Him. That’s what He wants. And when I do that, I float out of that confessional with the dopey grin on my face, and my nose runs, and my heart sings. Thanks be to God! Oh, thanks be to God.

What’s for supper? Vol. 19: Exhibiting a continuous positive approach, rooty toot toot

 

Last week, I was working on stepping up my game a little bit. I feel a little bit like Andy Sipowicz in season 1 of NYPD Blue, making an effort:

“Please, I understand my situation. I spent a long time being sauced. I need to win back my colleagues’ trust. I’ve got to exhibit a continuous positive approach, even with this dim bulb here.”

[at Liquor store over on James Street]

Guy: “You guys wanna give me a hand?”
Andy: “Yeah, sure.”
Guy: “Gimme.”
Andy: “Our pleasure.”
[later]
Andy: “That was positive, wasn’t it? ‘Our pleasure.'”
Partner: “Fair.”
Andy: “What should I have said? ‘Our pleasure, rooty-toot-toot’?”

Next week: aiming higher than immediately-post-rock bottom-Andy Sipowicz. Meantime, here’s how I did:

SATURDAY
GRILLED HAM AND PEPPER JACK in PITA POCKETS

I forgot how nice grilled pita pockets are — halfway between grilled cheese sandwiches and quesadillas. Perfect for a quick meal on a windy, wet, miserable day. I think we must have had chips or something. I forgot to buy dessert, so I reluctantly brought out the bag of Christmas candy I bought for 50% off in hopes of saving it for the next birthday party. So close!

 

SUNDAY
CHICKEN ENCHILADAS; GUACAMOLE and CHIPS; BROWNIE ICE CREAM SUNDAES

This meal was the crown jewel of the week, even if only for these magnificent caramelized onions.

[img attachment=”87839″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”food blog sauteed onions” /]

I use Pioneer Woman’s chicken enchilada recipe, where you cook the seasoned chicken in a pan, then take the chicken out and cook the onions in that same pan, then take the onions out and heat the enchilada sauce in that same pan. That is one freaking lucky pan.

[img attachment=”87837″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”food blog chicken enchiladas and guac” /]

The enchiladas didn’t even turn out that great, to be honest, but even not-so-great enchiladas are still homemade enchiladas, and I made 35 of them.

Oh, and Aldi has stopped using artificial coloring in some of its products, including its maraschino cherries. I reckon this is healthier, but those cherries were not very attractive. I thought they may actually have gone off (when I was about five, I got pretty drunk on a fermented strawberry sundae), but I served them to the kids anyway. They didn’t sleep any better than they usually do.

MONDAY
HOT DOGS; PASTA SALAD

I’ve had this jar of chopped Giardiniera on the shelf for a million years, so I finally opened it up and dumped it into a pot of farfalle. I ate as much as I could manage, because someone had to. Gonna throw away the rest today.

I did make my husband some lovely fried eggs before he left for work. I struggled, sorrowing, through many years of not really being sure how to fry an egg properly, until I discovered this method. In case you’re in the same fix, here’s how I do it:

Heat the pan and drop in a TON of butter, like 3 Tbs or more. Then carefully crack the eggs into the pan and fry them on a medium heat, constantly spooning the hot, melted butter over the yolk. This way, the top of the egg gets cooked, but you don’t have to flip the egg over. It gives the top of the eggs an exuberant fluffiness, and the edges get crisp and lacy.

[img attachment=”87835″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”food blog fried eggs” /]

Ain’t they pretty? I’m a good wife, eggwise.

TUESDAY
TUNA SANDWICHES; RAW VEG and ONION DIP

Email to my husband from Tuesday:

Well, I forgot to buy both broccoli and honey for the honey broccoli chicken, and I didn’t defrost meat for hamburgers, so we’re having tuna sandwiches with veg and dip, rooty toot toot.

WEDNESDAY
HAMBURGERS, CHIPS

I defrosted the hamburger meat.

THURSDAY
ONE PAN HONEY CHICKEN, RED POTATOES, BROCCOLI

Annd I bought broccoli and honey. Irene has been begging and begging for this dish, which I made once and which was so underwhelming that no one else even remembers eating it. I finally made it again, and once again, it tasted fine, and looks nice enough:

[img attachment=”87841″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”food blog chicken broccoli potatoes” /]

I will say that you can put it together really quickly in the morning and throw it in the oven half an hour before dinner, no fuss. I even used frozen broccoli instead of fresh, and it was still good (although the moisture from the broccoli diluted the sauce). I also substituted chicken thighs for chicken breasts, because they were on sale. Breasts would have been better – the crisp, sweet skin is super – but the thighs were acceptable. And I did get Irene off my back for a few weeks!

FRIDAY
ZITI; SALAD; POSSIBLY ROLLS

I’ve also had this Frisée lettuce lurking in the fridge all week, so today’s the day we find out what Frisée lettuce tastes like.

[img attachment=”87840″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”food blog frisee lettuce” /]

I also found this recipe on Facebook from Kimberly’s Country Kitchen:

[img attachment=”87866″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”food blog chicken broccoli potatoes” /]

We’ll see if I can rope one of my teenagers into trying it. They’re not going to look like that picture, though.

Well, how do you fry eggs, if you’re so smart?

Is the Mass a private time with God?

In my essay about how to help kids learn to behave during Mass, I said:

The Mass is not a private time. It’s a time to worship God with other people. We feel that kids belong at Mass, both for their benefit and for the benefit of the congregation.  We gradually increase our expectations of our kids until they eventually participate as fully in the Mass as any adult.

A few commenters objected to the idea that Mass is not private time. The most vociferous response was this:

Where did you get  YOUR Catholic education??? The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass most assuredly IS a private time for me to enter into a private union with Christ in the Holy Eucharist.  It is a time for me to “life up my spirit” and my quiet time away from the noise and materialism of the world to enter into that sacred prayer of union.  It IS most assuredly a private time, between God and soul.  That you do not understand this, and view the church as your “community” time, explains your rudeness in allowing your children to disrupt the Holy Mass.

Well, my essay listed seventeen ways to avoid letting your children to disrupt the Holy Mass, so I’m not sure which rudeness he means. Also, I wonder what Ignatius of Antioch, pictured above, would say about the distractions and disruptions that one may be forced to endure when one is trying to spend a little quiet time with God. Grr!

The main point, though, is that the commenter flat out wrong that the Mass is private time and not community time. Here is what the Catechism says (emphasis mine):

Liturgical services are not private functions but are celebrations of the Church which is ‘the sacrament of unity,’ namely, the holy people united and organized under the authority of the bishops. Therefore, liturgical services pertain to the whole Body of the Church. They manifest it, and have effects upon it. But they touch individual members of the Church in different ways, depending on their orders, their role in the liturgical services, and their actual participation in them.”7 For this reason, “rites which are meant to be celebrated in common, with the faithful present and actively participating, should as far as possible be celebrated in that way rather than by an individual and quasi-privately.

So it’s possible to celebrate Mass with only the priest present, and it’s possible to have a “private” Mass (say, for a wedding or funeral), but that is not ideal. The ideal Mass is a Mass that includes the community. Like it or not, the community by definition means people who are not you.

 

Next time you go to Mass, listen closely for all the expressions of this idea that we please God when we come together with other people to worship Him. This is what the Communion of Saints is all about: we join together with those in Purgatory and Heaven, and with the other faithful here on earth, to worship God. This is how He wants us to do it. With “so great a cloud of witnesses.” Not at our personal, private latitude and longitude, but “from East to West.” Heck, when Jesus taught us to pray, He instructed us to say “our Father,” not “my Father.”

It’s not all about us. We remember this every time we hear a reading or a sermon that doesn’t apply to us, and doesn’t seem tailored to our particular needs or concerns. That’s not a sign that someone is doing the Mass wrong; it’s a sign that this is how God wants us to do it: together with other people. That is what all the apostles did, on Jesus’ command: they went out and started drawing in as many other people as they could. The Prophet Jonah wanted to hog God and His salvation all to Himself, but God took away his sheltering shade and insisted that he go out and be with people. Noisy people. Undeserving people. People who distracted Jonah from spending his lovely, private, sacred communion with God.

Why? Why does He want us to do it this way? Wouldn’t it be better if we could just be with God one-on-one, without anyone to distract us?

I don’t know! Okay? I don’t really know. I do know that only a very select, very holy, very scary few — think holy, scary Moses — were able to see God face to face and survive. I do know that I’m not one of these people.

And I do know that when I turn away from other people, those are the times when I’m also furthest from God. In retrospect, I can see clearly that when I seclude myself, hide from other people, refuse to help them and refuse to ask for help, I am also driving God away, hiding from Him, fearful of Him, resentful, afraid, closed off, bitter, and unwilling to hear the invitations and demands of love. When I am most open to other people, and when I work the hardest to put up with their noise and mess and fuss and otherness — and when I work the hardest to allow them to put up with me — then those are the times when it’s easiest to hear God.

Heck, that was the point of the Incarnation. Right? We’re not alone. We’re not orphans. We’re not down here alone, looking up at a faraway God. We have a Brother, and we have to learn how to live with Him, and all of His other belovedmbrothers and sisters, too.

Weird, right? But that’s how it works. The Communion of Saints is a real thing, and I can’t be a part of it if I’m always trying to figure out who needs to shut up and get away from me.

So, other people. I hate ’em. They drive me crazy. They don’t do right, and I wish they would shape up and stop bothering me, especially when I’m trying to pray.  But other people is where God is. That’s all there is to it. I don’t like it, but I can no longer pretend that it’s any other way. So, bring on the cloud of witnesses! If I want Jesus, it’s a package deal.

 

Now Let Us Praise the Extraordinary Freedom of Catholic Life and Skin Care

I’ve spent enough time among academics to understand that there is a fine, almost invisible line between “coming full circle” and “disappearing up one’s own area of expertise.”

The reason I’m bringing this up (other than that I thought you might enjoy an evil cackle as well) is that Schuman is clearly struggling with something that a lot of Catholics struggle with, too, in a different context.

Read the rest at the Register.

How to achieve peak liturgical significance with your Christmas tree

As long as we’re talking about the definitive Catholic way to do every last tiny little thing, let’s talk about Christmas trees, shall we? I’m just about ready to throw ours out the window, but before I do, I thought I’d share how we achieve Peak Liturgical Significance with our tree.

We used to go into the wilds and cut down our own tree, but now we’ve discovered that there is a gas station down the road that sells trees for $25. Since parents are the first educators of children, it is encumbent on us to stand back smirking while our kids do the heavy lifting and stuff the tree into our van.

[img attachment=”87606″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”tree into van” /]

Remember to recall to them that Jesus hefted the harsh and prickly wood of the cross without complaint, and they need to be a lot more edified about this minor lifting job if they expect Santa to bring them anything halfway decent this year.

While the tree is still out on the porch, we perform a heavily symbolic ritual of Throwing Out This Year’s Armchair because we have a Really Small Living Room. This can be viewed as an inverted prefiguring of the Enthronement of the Sacred Heart, because the old chair signifies all the poor choices we’ve made over the past year, and getting rid of it demonstrates that we are now ready to make room in our hearts for the Christ Child, and also ready to have the room smell less like pee

[img attachment=”87596″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”tree old chair” /]

The tree should fit well into the van, but not too well

[img attachment=”87598″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”tree sticking out of van” /]

signifying that we are in the world but not of the world. You can evangelize all the way home this way, and hope that crabby traffic cop is on his lunch break, because you are one ticket away from having your license suspended.

When you get home, find some clippers and remove the top of the tree, because your ceilings are even lower than you remembered. The youngest mobile child in the house can then use the removed tree top to anoint the other children in the house, chanting either “Asperges me, Domine, hyssopo, et mundabor” or “I’m Dark Vader, I’m your fadder!” whichever seems appropriate.

[img attachment=”87600″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”tree benny poking lucy” /]

The other children in the house can engage in a sweet ritual echoing the choirs of angels who sang of the glories of God. If there is no snow on the ground to make snow angels in, you can just make angels in the stuffing that came out of the chair when you were dragging it outside.

[img attachment=”87604″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”tree fluff snowman” /]

All that remains now is to set up the tree and top it with something appropriate, like . . .

[img attachment=”87605″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”tree tom servo” /]

 

I don’t know, a Tom Servo doll made out of toilet paper tubes and macaroni. This signifies that everyone knows Joel was better than Mike. Nothing against Mike, but come on.

Then you can just sit back and wallow around in your domestic churchiness for a couple of weeks until you notice that there are more needles on the floor than there are on the tree. This is how you know that, no matter what the liturgical calendar says, Christmas is over. Throw the tree out the window and start looking for a new horrible old armchair that someone put on the curb for you.

Amen.

Enough with the noisy indifference

Noisily refusing to have an opinion is in vogue right now, and I can’t wait for it to go out again.

Remember back in November, after the massacre in Paris, when most of Facebook put an overlay of the French flag on their profile pictures? I didn’t do this. I felt awful for the people who had suffered and died; but then I started calculating whether I felt sadder, the same amount of sad, or less sad about France than I did about other massacres going on in the world, and whether I should consider changing my profile picture to commemorate one of those, instead . . .

Then I felt incredibly gross for having those thoughts, and left my profile picture alone.

However, I didn’t go around muttering imprecations against all the French flags, or boldly taking a stand as flag free.

I assumed that my friends had all different reasons for flagifying their pictures. Some people, undoubtedly, were doing it simply out of peer pressure: everyone’s doing it, and therefore I will, too.
Some people were undoubtedly doing it as a form of “virtue signalling” — declaring to the world, “Behold, I possess the correct political and emotional response to this crisis.”
And some undoubtedly just felt sad and bad and mad and wanted to do something, and changing your profile picture is doing something (if not much).

People should be allowed to display grief. We don’t have to join in, but it’s only humane to assume that grief is real, and to respect it as real by not complaining about people grieving in public. At least not right away!

When David Bowie died the other day, a lot of writers (including me) wanted to say something about him. It’s a normal, human thing to do. We loved his music, and it’s fitting to acknowledge his long and influential shadow across several genres of popular culture.

It only took an hour or two before the grief police showed up and began issuing citations for insincere suffering and lemming-like behavior. Several people felt the need, within hours of hearing that a man was dead, to tell the world that they didn’t care that he was dead. One woman explained,

“We’ve been too busy building a family to know who David Bowie is.”

Yes, well, in the time it took her to write that comment, she could have been looking one of her children in the eyes and saying, “I love you.” But she didn’t! And now it’s too late! Thanks a lot, dead David Bowie!

But seriously, what’s going on with all the grief shaming? Why would someone even bother to do it? Even if someone else’s grief really is insincere, who cares? What kind of sense does it make to register indifference?

It’s a good question whether we’re talking about grief, or anything, really. Why bother to say, “Everyone’s watching football today, but I don’t care about football!” or “Everyone’s excited about Star Wars, but not me!”

One reason we do it is that we find it harder and harder to believe that our experience is not The Experience. Social media has the potential to make us more open to each other, but it’s only made things worse, with its secret groups and filters and algorithms. It’s so easy to find people who do agree with us, even about the most minute, inconsequential things, and we’re so constantly encouraged to label ourselves as fans of this, followers of that, and members of the other, that it feels like an affront when we meet someone who doesn’t agree.

The other reason is pernicious hipsteritis: we assume any widely-shared experience must be inferior. I’m too old for this. Aren’t you?  I’m secure in my tastes. I don’t have to disdain something just because it’s popular, and I can have an opinion that’s similar to other people’s opinions, and yet I shall not die. It’s okay to join in the crowd sometimes. It’s also okay not to join in the crowd, and just quietly go about my business.

One more reason is that we’re tired of being jerked around and told what to feel. We want to hear the actual consequential news, and don’t want to be browbeaten into generating a strong emotion about something we’ve only barely heard of.  Okay, fine. But remember that there’s The Media, which is in the business of manipulating our brains, and there’s other, regular old people, whose opinions now get presented alongside the slick, polished, calculated stories generated by Fox or MSNBC. So when we sneer, “He’s dead? Who cares?” we may think that we’re striking back at some heartless media mogul, and retaining some emotional independence, but we’re also striking out at other victims of that same mogul.

It’s rude to make a point of being indifferent about something that other people care about; but being noisily indifferent about someone’s death goes beyond rudeness. When someone dies and people are sad about it, you don’t have to be sad. You don’t have to care at all. It’s our minimal Catholic obligation to pray, “May his soul and the soul of all the faithful departed rest in peace,” but beyond that, you can have no reaction whatsoever.

What you shouldn’t do is be a jerk about it right away. If you don’t care, and never saw the point of the dead person’s career, and think he’s overrated, or want to calculate the odds of him eeking into purgatory, or blame him for your son’s current career as a waxing technician, and you feel like you really must say something, then go ahead . . . later. Not while the body’s still warm.

**
Further reading: Max Lindenman made a similar, subtler point in his admirably shorter post, In Defense of “Sob-Signalling”

David Bowie: the voice, the voice, the voice

RIP, David Bowie. My sons were in tears this morning when they heard the news. Many memorials say he’s returning to his home planet or being beamed back to where he came from. I’ve managed to skip most of the bizzaro showmanship and role playing that Bowie is famous for (I know, that’s like saying I like Italian food except for all the pasta), so all this “he’s an alien! He’s a weirdo! He’s not like the rest of us!” stuff never felt true. Because  . . .

That voice. Alien? No. It sounded like wood weathered to silver by the ocean; it sounded like steel corroded into intricate designs; it sounded like crazed glass that had cracked but not shattered. Pain and anger and weariness and wit — these are not alien or martian or otherworldly. They are human, and so was he.

Oh, how he worked, never coasted.

Eternal rest grant unto him, o Lord. He knew he was dying, and worked hard to earn his audience until the end. No man knows the state of his soul. May his devotion and generosity toward his audience be acceptable to God as a work of charity, and may he be rewarded for the hours of elation and transcendence his music brought to us.

What’s for supper? Vol. 18: One Soup to Rule Them All

What’s for supper? I thought you’d never ask! I’ve been in a kitchen slump lately, so this week I tried two new recipes. Here’s what we had:

SATURDAY
Deli meat sandwiches; Pringles; Little Debbie Goo Slabs or whatever

I was absolutely determined to have a Sunday with no big chores to do, so we crammed everything into Saturday, aided by a few of Wendy’s “Four for Four” deals: all the food and household shopping, plus two teenage girls needed pants, my teenage son needed a winter jacket, and my new ten-year-old needed her ears pierced. We made seven stops. Supper was not a priority.

The only thing to report about this meal is that Aldi had a huge sale on something called “Sandwich Skinnys” (yes, with a “ys,” not an “ies”). You know how I feel about dragooning parts of speech into performing duties they’re not suited for. I would have boycotted them on principle as a selective grammar pedant, but . . . they were on sale.  Well, they were pretty bad. But they were on sale!

The Pringles were totally a reparations purchase, to make up for the terrible bread, which I bought because it was on sale. The Pringles were not on sale. It’s because of financial savvy like this that I have enough money in savings to keep our entire family afloat for a good 72 hours.

SUNDAY
Grilled chicken with salad (a.k.a. The Dinner of Great Virtue), with black olives and homemade croutons; Jell-o and whipped topping

[img attachment=”87103″ align=”aligncenter” size=”medium” alt=”food blog chicken and salad” /]

Not bad at all. Chicken marinated in white wine, lemon juice, S&P and garlic. I made homemade croutons because the kids had left about eleven bags of bread open, so we had tons of stale bread, and they had mutilated five sticks of butter and smeared them with crumbs. Let these fresh, buttery, herbed, fragrant croutons be a lesson to them!

The Jell-o and Kool Whip was courtesy of my teenage daughter, who doesn’t care what you think. It was her turn to pick, and that’s what she wanted, okay?

Oh, we also had hot chocolate on Sunday. If you’re going to submit to the agony of serving nine children a beverage that will scald their little tongues and ruin their last decent shirts, you might as well make it from scratch:

For each mug of hot chocolate you want to make, put 1 heaping Tbs of cocoa powder and 2 Tbs. white sugar into a heavy pot.

Add enough water to make a thick syrup, and heat on medium, stirring, until it’s heated through. Then stir in the milk (about 10 oz. per serving) until it’s blended, add a little vanilla, and heat it through. This is rich and wonderful — completely different from any powdered mix.

We’re down to the last of our homemade vanilla, which we made about 18 months ago. Super easy, and a much richer flavor than most store bought vanilla extract, and it ends up being cheaper in the long run. Take a jug of vodka, rum, or bourbon and throw in some chopped up vanilla beans, and let it sit for at least a month. That’s it. Makes a nice gift, too, if you get decorative bottles.

MONDAY
Chili and cornbread

Even I didn’t like this chili very much. Very uninspired, just peppers and onions, ground beef, canned tomatoes, black beans and kidney beans, whatever reddish and organgeish powders I could find in the spice rack, and a can of beer. But we had plenty sour cream, so probably half the kids ate it.

Cornbread was fine. One-bowl recipes are so dear to my heart.

TUESDAY
Chicken nuggets, hot pretzels, sweet peppers and hummus

Tuesday, we spent three solid hours in the car, going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth within the same 20-mile radius.

My itinerary: Pick up one kid at one school, pick up other kids and carpool kid at other school, leave one at drama, drop some off at catechism, wait for parakeet, go to library to pick up other kid, get message that parakeet is at catechism and library kid is at home, stop at catechism to pick up parakeet, pick up kid at drama, pick up catechism kids, turn around because it turns out catechism kids were HIDING and were not actually in the van, pick up kid at work, drop off carpool kid, and then go home to get dinner started.

It was like one of those Family Circus cartoons where you see the dotted line where Little No-Neck made his adorable rounds from the sandbox to the swing set to the bathroom and back, except instead of resulting in inexplicably long-lasting cartoon career, we just got a hysterical claustrophobic baby whose diaper didn’t explode only through the miraculous intervention of St. Commodius, patron of Very Damp Situations.

WEDNESDAY
Bacon Mushroom Chowder

Okay. This soup, you guys.

This.

Soup.

Some of my kids don’t like soup, so I was determined to find just one recipe that they would enjoy. I started with this recipe from Damn Delicious, and made a few adjustments, to appeal to everyone’s basest instincts. For instance, the recipe calls for 4 slices of bacon. I used two pounds. And I went from there.

And you know what? Some of them still didn’t eat it. They had toast. Too bad! It was really good, and I’m making it again.

THURSDAY
Bangers and Mash (I guess?) with mushroom and onion gravy, and frozen Brussels sprouts

My Anglophile son has asking for this for a while. It was great! Definitely adding this to the rotation as a make-ahead meal — although I now know that you really need to mash the potatoes while they are still hot. If you wait until they are cool, they will only mash so far, and no further.

I did have some wonderful help peeling the potatoes:

[img attachment=”87104″ size=”medium” alt=”food blog benny potato” align=”aligncenter”]

Is there a recipe for bangers and mash? If so, I didn’t consult it, just fried up a bunch of Italian sausages and served them on top of mashed potatoes with gravy. And I was thrilled with the gravy, partly because it was tasty, and partly because the gravy I made for Thanksgiving was so incredibly awful. There may be a better kind of vindication than gravy vindication, but I haven’t found it yet.

FRIDAY
Spaghetti and jarred sauce

Because I’m so holy, I’m willing to endure the searing sacrifice of serving this meatless meal. Hem kissing will be available in the conference room until 11. Thank you.

So how DO you make kids behave at Mass?

Kids! Mass! Is there any way we can all get along?

Some kid noise at Mass is unavoidable, and should be welcome in any parish that wishes to survive. Many parents are trying harder than it appears to outsiders. Many kids have invisible disabilities, and many parents have invisible crosses. God is not honored by an hour-long litany of mental kvetching every week. The Church is not a museum, a silent retreat, or an old folks’ home.

But it’s also not a playground, and all parents are responsible for helping their kids learn to behave as well as they can.

The Mass is not a private time. It’s a time to worship God with other people. We feel that kids belong at Mass, both for their benefit and for the benefit of the congregation.  We gradually increase our expectations of our kids until they eventually participate as fully in the Mass as any adult.

Other families may simply decide to split up on Sundays, leaving young kids at home until they are old enough to behave well. I like having the whole family together, but that’s a personal preference, not a moral issue. You are the expert in your particular family, and you get to decide what you are trying to achieve and what’s the best way to get there.

In the seventeen years we’ve been bringing kids to Mass, we’ve learned what turned out to be 17 things about how to get kids to behave themselves, beyond all the usual advice about bringing books, crayons, and quiet toys, pointing out the features of the Church, and sitting up front and whispering explanations.

1.Remember that you may be your family’s own worst critic. Of course there are awful people who say nasty things to parents who are trying their best; but there are also parents who imagine criticism when there is none. One Sunday, this wizened old lady kept turning around and staring every time my baby boy made the tiniest peep. She had the sourest, nastiest sneer on her face, and I got madder and madder. Finally at the Sign of Peace, she leaned over and, with the same hideous sneer, she spat out, “Your kids are so beautiful and well-behaved. God bless you!” Her face. Just. Looked like that. I keep this lady in mind, because it’s a lot easier to be calm and deal with kids reasonably if I don’t feel like everyone is judging us.

2.Even if people are being jerks, you don’t have to respond in kind. If someone scowls, respond with a big grin. If someone says something unfriendly, laugh and say something lighthearted like, “Oh, it’s okay, I have a note from the Pope, so we’re allowed to be here!” It’s easier to pull this off if you plan ahead and decide that this is what you’re going to do, rather than coming up with something on the spot. You’re not trying to crush them with your wit, you’re trying to remind them, “Hey, we’re all in this together.” You may or may not change their mind, but at least you won’t be making it worse.

3.We do allow some roaming, as long as it’s mostly in the pew. I know some people think that getting out of your spot is an ejectable offence, but we don’t. Our four-year-old goes from lap to lap, lies down on the pew, sits on the kneeler, etc., along with some sitting quietly and paying attention. I figure it’s only distracting if you sit right behind us, and easily distracted people can just choose not to sit right behind us.

4.Even if you’re not in the pew, you (the parent) are still at Mass, so try not to chit chat, zone out, or check your phone. If other parents are acting like they’re at a coffee shop, it’s okay to smile politely but make it clear with your body language that you’re trying to be present at Mass.  If you’re chasing a maniacal toddler, it may not be possible to follow along at all, in which case, “Jesus, I’m here because you want me here. Help, please!” is a worthy prayer.

Of course, if someone really needs to talk to you — and needy people do often turn up in the back of a church — it’s all right to have a quiet conversation. We don’t freeze people out because we’re trying to pray!

5.Have age-appropriate expectations. Don’t take a noisy two-year-old out because he’s being bad; take him out because he’s two and of course he’s being noisy. We don’t expect kids to be able to make it through the Mass until they’re at least four years old. This is the age we’ve found is reasonable for our kids. Your kids may be different. The point is, most younger kids aren’t capable of sitting quietly for an hour, no matter how many felted Mass kits in adorable backpacks you bring. You can probably terrorize them into behaving, but you’ll just be teaching them that Mass is that place where Mom and Dad are angry.

So it may be a drag, and exhausting, and demoralizing to spend all that time either out of the pew or going back and forth, but at least you shouldn’t feel like you or they are doing something wrong. Little kids are little kids. It won’t be this way forever. It won’t be this way forever. It won’t be this way forever.

6.Even if you can reasonably expect to have small children for a couple of decades, it does get easier. If you put a lot of effort into getting your older kids to act right, their behavior will help to clue in the younger kids, so you’re not really starting from zero like you were when you were new parents. Also, older kids can take younger kids to the bathroom, and I refuse to feel guilty about this. Offer it up, buttercup. Mama’s gonna hear the second reading for once.

7.Talk to kids about your expectations ahead of time — and this includes older kids.  Give them really specific instructions about what you are hoping to see and what you will not tolerate, and follow through with any bribes or threats.

8.Model good behavior, in and out of Mass. Show with your posture and the expression on your face that this is different from sitting on the bleachers at a ballgame. Something special is going on.

Avoid doing a snarky postmortem on the way home, crabbing over the music, the liturgy, the homily, the other people, as if you were at a restaurant and you’re working on your Yelp review. You were there to worship God, not be catered to.

9.Do talk about the Mass outside of Mass. Let the kids know that you’re thinking about it, and that hour has plenty to do with your everyday life. Talk about what the readings meant to you, talk about your favorite hymns, and for goodness’ sake, if your kids did well, praise them for it.

10.Answer your kids’ questions about what’s going on. No teaching technique is more valuable than striking while the iron’s hot. They should whisper, but they should never be discouraged from asking questions! If it’s something that doesn’t have to do with Mass, you can answer one or two questions, and then say, “We’re praying to God now, so please ask me again after Mass.”

11.Master the toddler lap-sit immobilization grip. Kid sits on your lap, you wrap your left hand between his legs and your right hand around his torso under his armpit; then grip your left forearm with your right hand.  Comfortable, but squirm-proof. This doesn’t work for all kids! Some kids will just go even berserker if they’re held this close, in which case you’re just asking for more trouble. But some kids will realize, “Oh, I’m supposed to sit for a while. Hey, there’s a guy in robes up there! Cool, I guess I’ll stare at him for a while.”

12.Ignore innocent kid behavior that isn’t noisy, destructive, or deliberately irreverent. This includes a kid who is popping his fingers in and out and in and out of his ears to make the organ go “wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa,” the kid who is systematically mirroring the facial expressions of the saints on each stained glass window, the kid who is drawing or playing with his buttons, his tongue, his bootlaces, the little clippy thing on the back of the pew in front of him, the seam of the kneeler, etc. I’ve seen parents flip out over innocuous behavior just because it’s not picture-perfect reverence. This is recipe for making your kids dread Mass, or turning them into self-righteous, outwardly-focused mini pharisees. Boo.

13.Feed babies wherever you want. In the pew is where I usually do it (although I’m not a fan of top-down, whole-boob exposure. You don’t have to be a pervert to find that distracting. Yes, I realize this attitude makes me worse than Hitler). If you feel self-conscious, nothing beats the confessional for quiet and privacy. It’s like a magic trick: go behind this mysterious velvet curtain with a squalling maniac, and emerge fifteen minutes later with a docile sleeping beauty. At least you can escape feeling like and the baby are on stage for a while.

14.If you have a big family, you may find it easier to take up part of several pews, one in front of the other, rather than ranging out all along one pew. This way, parents can reach kids who need to be grabbed or tapped; and kids are less likely to feel invisible, and they’re more likely to follow along with the responses when they can hear their parents.

15.We avoid cry rooms, but they vary, and it’s a matter of preference. In my experience, they’re a little too comfortable, and if there’s soundproof glass, there can be an unnerving “hootenanny in the terrarium” effect. Better to make it your goal to stay in the pew as much as possible, and to make your second location (the cry room, the confessional, the foyer, the town limits, etc.) feel temporary, until you’re ready to go back in (even if that’s not until the final blessing).

16.If you parish is really impossible, it’s okay to look for a more kid-friendly one, but be honest about whether your kid could be doing better. If you’re getting the message that kids are completely unwelcome, it couldn’t hurt to write to your pastor (or to his bishop, if the pastor is the problem). That’s something that should never happen. But also scrutinize your own attitude. Are you treating your kid like a delicate genius who must never, ever be shushed or corrected, and the heck with everyone else in the building? That’s not right either.  Like so many things, it’s a matter of finding balance. Easiest thing in the world to say, hardest thing in the world to do.

17.The best advice I can give you: be patient. Be patient. Be patient. Be patient. Behaving at Mass is a whole-family effort, and it takes a long time to get where you want to be, with everyone cooperating as much as they are able. It’s taken us a full 18 years to get the point where, even if one or more kids does every rotten thing in the book, we can stay calm and confident and just deal with it, without strangling anyone or dying of embarrassment.

The one thing you must never consider is giving up going to Mass! Even the worst experience is better than that.