Area Woman Pinning An Awful Lot On That One Run

Area woman Simcha Fisher rebounded from her Christmas and New Year’s slump with a brisk one-mile run this week.

“It’s so good to get moving again,” Fisher said, toweling off her neck with a mitten. “Whew, it’s been too long!” Fisher didn’t say so out loud, but she privately believed her hips had actually already gotten a little bit smaller even in that one run, probably because the fat was just temporary silly holiday fat, and not actual regular fat.

All through December, Fisher had allowed countless phalanxes of cookies and cake, various smoked meats and soft cheeses, sugared nuts, candied fruit, and cream-filled alcoholic beverages to parade down her gullet like a conquering army marching down the streets of an occupied city. But she did go for that one run, and is going to run some more at some point soon, so.

“It’s actually a huge relief to be back in the routine of working out again,” Fisher continued, mentally scoffing at her former bad habits that may have crept up a bit over the course of the last few weeks, during which her only physical activities were cooking, baking, shopping for more food, and cutting mammoth wedges off panettone sweet bread, which is just bread, and not really cake.

Fisher slenderly untied her virtuous running shoes, saying, “I’m going to take tomorrow off and then bump it up to two miles the next day.” She laughed quietly to herself as her abdomen bulged over the waist of her leggings.

“That belly doesn’t even bother me, because I know I’m already working on it,” she said. “I even started running again!” She then rolled her eyes derisively some of those poor suckers who were just starting out at the gym this year, and who were actually fat, instead of just temporarily silly fat.

Fisher than sat on a stool and ate some quick granola, just a little bit to keep the energy up, and then, ooh, there is some of that smoked gouda left, while making her schedule for the coming week. She noted that January was going to be really busy, and it would be hard to find time to get to the gym.

“Well, I’ll fit it in when I can,” she said. “It just feels so good to be active again.”

Actually, that run was last week.

 

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Dancing Venus by Nina Paley

10 thoughts on “Area Woman Pinning An Awful Lot On That One Run”

  1. Oh my goodness! How did you get the lady from the chair to dance???? Has she always not had a face?I can’t unsee it!

    My solution to holiday weight gain:

    1. I cut the waist band of my jeans. A thick leather belt will disguise it.
    2. I have resolved to only drink wine for dinner. Paleo Schmaleo. Grapes are better for the planet.
    3. I will walk my illegal alien dog, who is a lease jumper. I hope my neighbors don’t rat me out. I’m seeing my doctor on Wednesday. The tears will be authentic. Federal law is in my favor.
    4. I’ve switched to sheer bras. Padding is worth about 3-5 pounds, no?

    I literally missed getting on the right freeway yesterday because my 21 y.o. was exercise shaming me. Realizing my mistake, I yelled out something really bad about someone’s mother. I asked him with exasperation to save his fat shaming for more rural parts of the freeway. — And he said, I quote! (swear) : “I didn’t say you were fat, I just said that you’ve gotten, uh, …a little bit bigger, no–maybe thicker?–and it’s proven that fat shaming works.”

    Insult to injury.

    Charlotte defended my honor.

    I had already waited the whole weekend for him to get off work so I could drive him up the coast because he didn’t want to take the train. I crammed him into a five-seater, with three other kids AND a large dog, his ski gear and all of our holiday baggage, –all while letting him listen to his music and choice of podcasts. No good deed goes unpunished. A mother’s work is never done. And they will never, ever comprehend how many times we wiped their poopy butts.

    1. We should so get together for a really fattening latte or something. Barring that, I will just savor your note here and know I am in good company. 😉

  2. I love this format, Simcha. If you’re ever slenderly casting about for another standard template, or regular weekly feature, like you have for Friday — this could be it.

  3. That gif is fantastic.
    I haven’t gotten back to my regular dietary discipline quite yet. The leftover Christmas cookies and pumpkin bread might go stale and be wasted, and we can’t have that!!

  4. “Fisher slenderly untied her virtuous running shoes…” LOL. I’m cracking up but mostly because this is all too familiar.

  5. I had no excuses this winter, because even when it was too cold to run in the park that is literally 2/10ths of a mile from my house, my husband cleverly pointed out that we have access to an indoor running track at the military base, and he offered to take the children to a racquetball court to play while I ran my dreaded mile. Drat. But as I virtuously tell my kids, you only regret the run you DIDN’T run, so it’s either put up or shut up. And I’m sure that run i did on Friday cancelled out the fries at Burger King that day. And the Klondike bar I had last night. Yepper-do.

  6. I went out to the car this morning, fully intending to drive to the gym for what I laughingly call a workout, but when I saw that the car was covered with ice I decided that fully intending is half the battle, so I went back inside the house. I’m half way there!

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