These are [adjective] times. Everyone is suffering, but no one more so than [name of your specific cultural and socio-economic group].
Look around you, and you’ll see all the signs of an [adjective] chastisement. The economy is floundering. [Name of favorite sport] may never recover. It’s been [number] weeks since we’ve been able to purchase [name of snack you have argued should be excluded from food stamp purchases].
The last time people endured trials like this, christians were in the arena with [name of wild animal], and [name of democrat] looked on and laughed.
Worst of all, people are watching Mass on [streaming platform you can’t figure out how to work]. As [name of internet priest who claims to be based on a houseboat in the Bosphorus and therefore doesn’t have to obey his bishop] has clearly stated, this practice is extremely spiritually dangerous, because so many pre-[name of favorite ecumenical council]-type Catholics are already so easily led astray by outrageous offenses like the wearing of [clothing in 99% of modern closets], [a practice that even Pius XIII specifically said is fine, gosh], and nail polish in the perfidious color of [name of perfidious color].
Those who aren’t already deeply mired in the [name of heresy]-rooted sin of [name of sin that occurs below the belt] will readily realize that this is no normal crisis. It’s an [adjective] crisis! According to the elocutions of [name of woman recently arrested for mail fraud], our Lady of [European town that could use an influx of tourism cash] clearly warned us that if we didn’t immediately stop [name of sin that holds no appeal to you], she would be in danger of losing the arm-wrestling match with [name of person of the Holy Trinity] and we would be chastised with terrible [name of disease].
And now look. NOW LOOK, you [name of invertebrate]. You brought this about with your [perversion you recently looked up on Urban Dictionary for purely academic research] and your [frightening ethnic food people are now selling on the street corner where you used to play stickball as a lad].
I hope you’re [emotion].
You should be ashamed. Yes, you, you [name of liquid]-spined [name of unimpressive animal]. We’re onto you. I can tell by your [description of basic courtesy] that you probably read [creative spelling of “Simcha Fisher”]. Maybe you don’t know that [name of Catholic celebrity who acts like complete jackass on social media] came back from the brink of death specifically to warn us about people like [you].
[onomatopoeia for spitting].
Enough. If you’re an American with blood that is [color], ask yourself, “Who could possibly be profiting from this?” And the answer is, as always, [euphemism for Jews]. Of course, [euphemism for black people] are also suffering, but they brought it on themselves by [verb describing action necessary for existence].
But because of them, we’ll all be subject to mandatory [name of routine medical treatment] which has been conclusively proven on YouTube by [name of person who is not a doctor] to cause permanent flaccidity of the [name of favorite body part].
Friends, there is only one solution. If you love [name of religious devotion] and the [document you once paid the EIB network six easy installments of $43 to purchase an authentic reproduction of], let’s cast off the shackles of [name of basic medical hygiene] and say no to this [name of crime against humanity that you read about in American Girls].
Let’s Make America [adjective] Again, one [name of pathogen-spreading behavior] at a time.
Image: from Agricultural Research activities book (via Flickr) (no known copyright restriction)
11 thoughts on “Want to wake up the sheeple? Fill in the blanks.”
Oh..this is funny and full of irony, but probably not for the reason you think. It’s great when your humor is so penetrating it cuts you as much as all the people you clearly can’t stand. “Those Catholics”… who are so blind and uncaring and wrongheaded and have such petty Pharisee like complaints about everything. Yeah…
Completely agree, AH.
She’s much, much better (and more human/humane) when writing about her family. Then, occasionally, she posts this kind of bitter, snarling, partisan nonsense cloaked as humor; it’s just, well, ugly, really. It’s strange. And disappointing.
I’ve never read anyone who can pull off absolutely blistering and hysterically funny at the same time with your level of skill. It’s just astonishing.
Holy (low-level cuss word for fecal matter)!!!! This is (giant, golden, sparkle- caligraphied simile for good)!!!!!
You say what I want to say. Only better and funnier. Thanks.
My mother used to collect food stamps a very long time ago.
This may be the most brilliant thing you’ve ever written…and you’ve written a lot of brilliant things…..(I wonder how much money in donations would give this a shot at being printed in the church bulletin)
I love this.
Can we play mad libs with this and then post it on your Facebook page? This could be fun.
Also, this scary accurate.
Quarantine Mad Libs—family fun for all residents of states with stay-at-home orders. You could even make all the participants wear face masks so their speech is muffled, which is like a playing cross between Mad Libs and Telephone.