Ah, Thanksgiving, when everyone’s kitchen goes into overdrive, turning out goodies and sweets to keep the nation’s tummies merry and bright.
But sooner or later, every busy baker and clever cook is bound to hit a snag: The recipe calls for an ingredient you simply don’t have. You thought the bottle of vanilla was fresh, but it’s almost empty. You could have sworn the carton was full, but only one or two eggs remain. What to do?
You could send your husband to the convenience store to get gouged. Everyone enjoys that, especially Yogi, who is doing the gouging. (This is not racist. His name is Yogi and boy does he gouge.) Or, you could put on your thinking toque and rustle up a substitute.
A substitute! Good kitchen sense means thinking on your feet, and substitutes are the backbone of baking, unless you are, in fact, cooking a backbone, and you are out of backbone. Then you’re out of luck.
Here are some of my most-used kitchen substitutions:
Short on eggs? Substitute 1/4 cup of unsweetened applesauce for each egg you’re missing. Or you could swap in half a mashed banana. Just don’t think too hard about why it’s okay to use banana, which is stuffed with sucrose, but the substitution guides always specify unsweetened applesauce. Baking is a science, okay? And science means you shut up. If you don’t have apples or bananas or eggs, you could always use arrowroot powder. I won’t tell you how much, because we all know you don’t have arrowroot powder. Dude, you don’t even have eggs.
Recipe calls for buttermilk but you’re fresh out? The next best thing is a scant cup of regular milk with a tablespoon of vinegar stirred in. Let it sit for five minutes before stirring, to give the ghost of your grandmother a chance to sidle in and make that sucking noise she makes when you did something stupid; then continue cooking as normal. *kshhh*
Sour cream and yogurt are very often interchangeable, so feel free to swap them in and out. In and out! You could even use cottage cheese. In and out, up and down, side-side-side-side-side! You could even try mayonnaise, as long as there are enough other strong ingredients to mask the flavor. Few people know this, but mayonnaise is actually made of cheese. A dairy product, if you will. Yes it is. Why is it cheese-colored, then?
Recipe calls for unsalted butter, but all you have is salted? Get over yourself. No one cares. What is this for, cookies? Your cookies are rubbery little wrinkled dough puddles with hair in them. Gray hair. People are buying them at the bake sale solely to remove them from public view. The salt ratio being marginally out of balance is not what’s going to make or break your project, bunky.
Springform pan gone missing? Try taking a normal pan and lining it with tinfoil, then putting little pebbles from the stream all along the inside. Crimp the tinfoil along the top end and fashion little vents with a melon baller, then pour the batter over that with a wry little twisting motion of the wrist while looking in the other direction and pretending not to notice what is happening. It won’t do anything, but at least you could try. Try putting your husband’s car keys in there. Put Meow Mix, see if I care.
A little low on flour? Try this trick: Slowly tear the pages out of your most infuriating cookbook with all the precious details about a frugal but free-spirited childhood in Soho, and stuff them into the food processor. Add a little truffle oil, pulse two or three times, and boom. You’ll have an excuse to go to the Salvation Army and pick yourself out a new food processor. While you’re out, you can get some flour.
Lost your will to live? Try eating, instead.
Hope this helps, and happy baking! *kshhh*
“Dude, you don’t even have eggs.”
😂
Made me laugh out loud!
I read this yesterday and smiled at it. Today I started on the stuffing and realized I forgot to buy celery for it. And I apparently used all the sage up last year (I only use it for this, because I don’t much care for sage otherwise). Celery seed and thyme it is! I don’t know how my grandmother made stuffing, and she’s not on this Earth anymore anyway, so there’s no one to scold me.
Happy Thanksgiving Simcha! I’m thankful for your writing.
Simcha, I was reading this and laughing out loud and my 15yo daughter said, “Are you reading a blog post?” When I said yes, she said, “Is it by the lady who wrote the duck post?” She is reading this one now, and also laughing out loud.
YES! Warping a whole new generation!
Thanks for the laugh, Simcha. But more seriously, I am really struggling with all the work of Thanksgiving for my family, only half of whom will even touch any of the food I make. And we’ve simplified it a lot already; none of us like turkey or most of the sides, so this year we’re having steak (much faster to cook too), mashed potatoes, and salad. It still just feels like so much extra work for very little in return. If anyone has any tips for how to not get bitter and resentful of all the work and little thanks, I would appreciate it!
Rebecca: We are having the same meal!!! Steak/salmon, mashed potatoes, caesar salad kit and dessert. I can’t be arsed.
Resentment–speak it! Talk about how you are not interested in making a huge meal with no appreciation and then give Christmas this year to someone else.
Honestly, Thanksgiving is about women doing all the work and getting little back. Let’s free ourselves.
Yes, I think this is the answer. feeling invisible and unappreciated is just the worst. It is possible that your family is just taking you for granted and truly does not realize that you need to hear their gratitude. But if you have told them this before, then I think it is time to move to a plan that works better for you. Either make something simple and easy that you like, or even do takeout: or else let them know that if a certain meal is important to them, then you will need to figure out who is going to make one to make it happen.
This is really helpful — both your comments and Andrea’s. Thank you both! I have 5 kids ages 12-4, several of whom have very limited palates; maybe a holiday revolving around food will some day in the future be more manageable and appealing, but for next year I’ll plan takeout.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Hey Rebecca. I feel your pain. I’m the one who actually enjoyed Covid because I didn’t have to entertain during the Holidays. I’m not a great cook either but people return year after year.
I think having steak is smart. Eat what you and your family like! At Thanksgiving, I still make a turkey breast for the few traditionalists but it’s been roast beef in our house for a few years now.
When you say your efforts are unappreciated, I’m assuming you’re speaking of extended family. Truthfully, you can’t do much about them. But if you’re talking about your kids, get your husband on board to model gratitude and have him encourage the kids to show some appreciation. If you’re including your husband in the unappreciative crowd, head to counseling. Seriously.
Also a tip that’s been helping me entertain for decades: Pay someone else to clean. Before and after, if you can afford it. But definitely before. You’ll still have to declutter but try to look at these family parties as opportunities to purge. That’s what I do. Entertaining – even if it’s for a bunch of ingrates – is good for the house.
We went to a restaurant for the first time in my life. Very subdued, I felt like I was practicing for when I get to the nursing home. It was nice, nice not to have stress or a mess, but I missed having a “real” Thanksgiving at home – and major bummer – we have no leftovers! So, I had to cook today anyway. And it was somewhat expensive as well – easy costs money which is fine…but I like leftovers!
The nursing homes might surprise you! My mom’s senior living had thanksgiving dinner for $15 a guest. Free for residents and kids under 10. But it is CROWDED. Way too noisy and chaotic for my somewhat intolerant mother, who only moved there because she found my house too noisy and chaotic. Hah!
There’s a mix of independent and assisted living at mom’s place. And she’s the happiest she’s been since my dad died decades ago. She’s got lots of friends and acquaintances and things to do there and is only five minutes away from me, but if for some reason she were unable to leave for Thanksgiving, I am certain that she’d have eaten her meal alone in her apartment.
Thanks for this, and thanks for all you do, and wishing you and all your family a very Happy Thanksgiving! One substitution that is serious that has worked for me (and yes, I know some of yours are serious) is to use diced celery if I don’t have water chestnuts, like for the famous spinach dip recipe.
Dang it, you’re making me laugh so hard that I’m in danger of waking up my napping husband!