A few questions are all that lie between you and x-treme self-knowledge.
How did you fare as a pet owner?
(a) After rescuing, spaying, and neutering all the chinchillas in the tri-county area, I have established a fellowship to fund chinchilla rescue, spaying and neutering in perpetuity. Pretty soon, the chinchilla population will be so rescued, there won’t be any at all!
(b) The cat is now litter trained, and the dog now poops in the backyard. Good enough for me.
(c) Petco, Petsmart, and the Humane Society have posted Polaroids of our family with “DO NOT LET US HAVE LIVING CREATURES NOT EVEN BETTA FISH” scrawled in marker underneath.
How are your people skills coming along?
(a) I don’t mean to brag, but Harry and Meghan? My idea.
(b) I made it through Thanksgiving without getting in an argument with that one brother-in-law, and I’m proud that my kids saw that it’s possible to get along with people you don’t always agree with.
(c) If I can keep ahead of the sheriff until midnight, that will make only four restraining orders for the year. Oopsie, that’s a battering ram, gotta go!
Get any exercise this year?
(a) Ohhh, you could say that. My Nissan Leaf was weighed down by so many of those oval marathon stickers, I had to reclassify it as a light truck.
(b) I just made little changes: taking the stairs instead of the elevator, parking on the outskirts of the parking lot. Baby steps!
(c) I trained the dog to push the drink trolley over to my armchair.
What have you done to advance cultural literacy in your community?
(a) Since its debut six months ago, my groundbreaking “Shivs for Shakespeare” program decreased prison violence by 87% percent; and the Bolshoi Ballet is naming a new wrist gesture after me, in honor of my contributions to the overall exquisiteness of life.
(b) I joined one of those “let’s keep poetry alive” thingies on Facebook, and posted a Robert Frost poem that I’m fairly sure I understand (it’s ambiguous, right? Two roads? I remember ambiguity from college).
(c) One time somebody said it was “gering-ding-ding-ding-dinga-ding-ring!” and I was like lol moran its gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding get it rite!
Done anything for the environment lately?
(a) This summer, I came across someone running the engine in her gas-guzzling minivan — just running the engine, not even going anywhere. She spouted some anthropocentric nonsense about having to keep her disabled grandmother cool with air conditioning while she waited for the pharmacy to refill her heart medication prescription. I showed them! Grabbed the keys right out of the ignition, tossed ’em in the river. I feel kind of bad about the river, though.
(b) I swore off buying cases of bottled water. An aluminum water bottle works fine, once you get used to it.
(c) Someone from the Nature Conservancy came to my door looking for a donation, and I did not set him on fire.
Any progress in eating better?
(a) Two years ago, I swore off eating anything with eyes. Last year, I increased my kale consumption by 600%. This year, my goal is to eliminate anything salty, sweet, sour, or umami, or anything that I can sense with my teeth, tongue, or lips.
(b) I am a busy person, and have made my peace with frozen veggies and “semi-homemade.”
(c) I got a new slow cooker for Christmas and immediately Googled “crockpot moonshine.”
How’s the ol’ spiritual life?
(a) I have consecrated my life to the Sacred Heart, to The Immaculate Heart of Mary, and to Jesus through Mary. That ought to cover it.
(b) No huge breakthroughs, but I think I’ve grown closer to God, and praying is easier.
(c) Last time I went to confession, the priest did not have to call for emergency back-up.
Have you broken yourself of the habit of ending things too abruptly without proper closure?