Do you even deserve a new year? A quiz

A few questions are all that lie between you and x-treme self-knowledge.

How did you fare as a pet owner?

(a) After rescuing, spaying, and neutering all the chinchillas in the tri-county area, I have established a fellowship to fund chinchilla rescue, spaying and neutering in perpetuity.  Pretty soon, the chinchilla population will be so rescued, there won’t be any at all!

(b) The cat is now litter trained, and the dog now poops in the backyard.  Good enough for me.

(c) Petco, Petsmart, and the Humane Society have posted Polaroids of our family with “DO NOT LET US HAVE LIVING CREATURES NOT EVEN BETTA FISH” scrawled in marker underneath.
How are your people skills coming along?

(a) I don’t mean to brag, but Harry and Meghan?  My idea.

(b) I made it through Thanksgiving without getting in an argument with that one brother-in-law, and I’m proud that my kids saw that it’s possible to get along with people you don’t always agree with.

(c) If I can keep ahead of the sheriff until midnight, that will make only four restraining orders for the year.  Oopsie, that’s a battering ram, gotta go!
Get any exercise this year?

(a) Ohhh, you could say that.  My Nissan Leaf was weighed down by so many of those oval marathon stickers, I had to reclassify it as a light truck.

(b) I just made little changes:  taking the stairs instead of the elevator, parking on the outskirts of the parking lot.  Baby steps!

(c) I trained the dog to push the drink trolley over to my armchair.
What have you done to advance cultural literacy in your community?

(a) Since its debut six months ago, my groundbreaking “Shivs for Shakespeare” program decreased prison violence by 87% percent; and the Bolshoi Ballet is naming a new wrist gesture after me, in honor of my contributions to the overall exquisiteness of life.

(b) I joined one of those “let’s keep poetry alive” thingies on Facebook, and posted a Robert Frost poem that I’m fairly sure I understand (it’s ambiguous, right?  Two roads?  I remember ambiguity from college).

(c) One time somebody said it was “gering-ding-ding-ding-dinga-ding-ring!” and I was like lol moran its gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding get it rite!
Done anything for the environment lately?

(a) This summer, I came across someone running the engine in her gas-guzzling minivan — just running the engine, not even going anywhere.  She spouted some anthropocentric nonsense about having to keep her disabled grandmother cool with air conditioning while she waited for the pharmacy to refill her heart medication prescription.  I showed them!  Grabbed the keys right out of the ignition, tossed ’em in the river.  I feel kind of bad about the river, though.

(b) I swore off buying cases of bottled water.  An aluminum water bottle works fine, once you get used to it.

(c) Someone from the Nature Conservancy came to my door looking for a donation, and I did not set him on fire.
Any progress in eating better?

(a) Two years ago, I swore off eating anything with eyes.  Last year, I increased my kale consumption by 600%.  This year, my goal is to eliminate anything salty, sweet, sour, or umami, or anything that I can sense with my teeth, tongue, or lips.

(b) I am a busy person, and have made my peace with frozen veggies and “semi-homemade.”

(c) I got a new slow cooker for Christmas and immediately Googled “crockpot moonshine.”
How’s the ol’ spiritual life?

(a) I have consecrated my life to the Sacred Heart, to The Immaculate Heart of Mary, and to Jesus through Mary.  That ought to cover it.

(b) No huge breakthroughs, but I think I’ve grown closer to God, and praying is easier.

(c) Last time I went to confession, the priest did not have to call for emergency back-up.

Have you broken yourself of the habit of ending things too abruptly without proper closure?

(a) Yes.

***

A version of this quiz originally blah blah blah 2013.
Image by istolethetv via Flickr (Creative Commons)

How ready are you for the end of school? A quiz

You check your calendar and realize there is yet another evening concert tonight. You . . .

(a) stride into the child’s room to make sure the concert apparel is clean and pressed, shoes are shined, and that the after-school snack you’re planning doesn’t include cheese, which can produce a phlegmy sound in the vocal cords. Oop, there’s just time to run out for flowers!

(b) sigh a little and adjust your schedule so everyone can get there on time. Maybe bring some work with you.

(c) barrel through the stages of grief as quickly as you can, then set to work figuring out why it’s definitely your husband’s turn to represent.

(d) contact your lawyer. This just isn’t right. This just isn’t right. 

As your child leaves for school, you notice that his shoes are pretty beat up. You . . .

(a) are relieved, because it’s been nearly four months since his feet have been measured and fitted by your on-call orthopedist. Optimal brain function is only possible when the body is cared for from top to toe.

(b) dig out a spare pair that are not perfect, but they’ll get the kid through.

(c) hope the gas station sells flip flops.

(d) growl, “Well, we got plenty paper bags. Here’s a marker; draw yourself a swoosh.”

You are packing a lunch for your kid and you make sure it . . .

(a) includes a lean protein, two servings of veg and one of fruit (local, obvs), a grain (because kids will be kids!), and . . .  let’s see, it’s Thursday, so that means the extra treat will be . . . cauliflower-based! Fun! Now, which mason jar conveys the most love?

(b) is reasonably balanced, won’t trigger anyone’s allergies, and may even get eaten.

(c) has some food in it, none of it used.

(d) is heavy enough to appear to contain food, for plausible deniability.

You are informed there will be three field trips next week, each one requiring a special lunch and extra snacks, early drop-off and late pick-up time, a sheaf of permission slips and release forms, and of course a check. And money for the gift shop. You . . .

(a) sprint to the phone to volunteer as chaperone. You always wanted to see how they sort industrial grit, and now you get to do it alongside a large group of middle schoolers! Win win!

(b) are just grateful someone else is organizing these things. It’s nice, really, that kids get to break out of the routine.

(c) shout, “FINE” and tear a check from the checkbook so violently that you accidentally clock the kid in the jaw, and when she stops crying, she admits that she didn’t want to go anyway because her best friends Braeydinn and Peyytun are being weird, so you decide to just skip it and get donuts together.

(d) take the kid by the hand and ask him if he really wants to go, grasping his hand tighter and tighter until he begs you to let go, I mean let him stay home and help you get caught up on laundry and really just be useful to you in any way you need, really.

You scroll ahead in your calendar to find out when the last day of school is, anyway. You . . .

(a) sit right down and write a thank-you note to the superintendent for all his hard work and wise and prudent choices over the year. Those guys just don’t get enough credit, you know? Six figure income, you say? That doesn’t seem like enough.

(b) sigh a little bit, but you have to be grateful there is such a thing as school. Some places don’t have school.

(c) massage your temples, breathe like your therapist wants you to breathe, and work toward a place of acceptance, by which you mean “only soft screaming.”

(d) decide that, as of this minute, you are homeschooling, dammit, and it is summer.

***

Scoring:

Come on, what do you want from my life? A+. You all get an A+. All right?

Image by Ian Chapin via Flickr Creative Commons

Should you read Laudato Si? A quiz

pope francis

Laudato Si is here, and not a moment too soon. Any day now, all the pundits and politicians and armchair theologians were going to start feeling ashamed for going so berserk over an encyclical that hadn’t been released yet. Any day, I’m sure of it!.

Now that it’s here, should you read it? It is kind of long, and there aren’t any pictures or gifs to break it up. Here’s a short quiz to help you determine whether or not you should invest the time and effort. The more points you get, the more urgent it is that you read the encyclical.

Take the quiz at the Register.

***

At the Register: The Rotten Teenager’s Guide to Staying Unemployed

Not that I would know anything about this, not having, nor ever having been, a rotten teenager. No sirree.

Are you using the right method of NFP?

If you are all done finding out which character from The Hunger Games you are, which character from Downton Abbey you are, and which character from pornoDownton Abbey you are, you might be ready for a quiz that actually helps:  Which Method of NFP Is Right for Me?

For a lot of couples, NFP is even more of a hassle than it needs to be because they’re not using the best method for them.  We happened to stumble into Creighton just because our local hospital offered classes on it; and it turned out to be a good fit for us (although it wasn’t truly tolerable until I discovered OTC progesterone cream.  I think I will write a separate post about that, because it was such a game-changer).

Anyway, try the test from IuseNFP.com and see if maybe you could find a better fit for your personality, your physical situation, and your needs.  It’s not a flawlessly precise quiz, of course, but it may point you in a better direction if you’re really struggling. Sometimes changing methods makes all the difference!

And poke around the IuseNFP site while you’re at it. Lots and lots of useful information there, all in one spot — plus cheeky graphics like this:

And of course, if you are already using NFP and are struggling, or you don’t understand why NFP-users struggle, or you know a couple who’s insterested, or you would just like a shoulder to cry on, you should buy my book, The Sinner’s Guide to NFP.

 

At the Register: Should You Get a Dog? A Quiz

Why are you asking me? You’ve obviously made up your mind already, you fool.

At the Register: Do You Even Deserve a New Year?

A quiz.  The best thing I have written all year.