1. The tongue is an incredibly flexible muscle, and if necessary can be re-shaped so as to spread over almost all your hollowboi teeth so as to protect them from dental agony when you have your fucking cocktail with a little lime juice at night.
2. You can just have a just flower garden. Nobody wants string beans or cucumbers. The kids will figure out where vegetables come from even if you don’t spend your entire summer grubbing around on your knees agonizing over why the pumpkin blossoms are so shy. Just get geraniums, it’s fine.
3. Lots of things taste better than skinny looks. LOTS.
4. You are going to need so many tweezers. Bathroom tweezers, purse tweezers, car tweezers because there’s a sunroof and people can just deal with the sight of you tidying up chinwise. Sometimes finding and eradicating that one really robust but somehow invisible hair is the best thing you will do all day. If they honk, they honk.
5. I guess you can do a pencil skirt and a flowing blouse and a structured jacket, see if I care.
6. Those earrings aren’t too young for you. They’re earrings. It’s fine, nobody cares.
7. But seriously, go outside. Pretty soon someone will take you where you don’t want to go, but right now you can bloody well take yourself where you don’t want to go, and that’s outside, and you know you’ll be happy you went. What, you’re special and you don’t need sunshine and fresh air? What are you, a robut? Go outside, you stupid bitch. You know you like it. Go water a geranium.
8. You know what’s a fun game? Figuring out a different way to get down stairs every day. You may be surprised at how many different ways there are, once the basic “just walking like a normal human being whose knees aren’t garbage” option is off the table. Let your imagination soar!
9. Whatever works. Whatever works. Whatever works. Whatever works. Whatever works. Whatever works. Everyone is dying. Whatever works. Whatever works. Whatever works. I mean, up to a point. But basically, whatever works.
10. You are so far away from menopause. I know. I didn’t say it was funny.