Primitive screwheads prepare for Halloween

Nothing like settling in after a long, busy Saturday, finding a cozy chair, cracking open a beer, and starting to make my son a paper mache Army of Darkness chainsaw hand for Halloween.

 

(Fortunately, we already own a boomstick.)  NOT THAT YOU ASKED, but here is how the chainsaw is going:

For the blade, I cut a foam meat tray.  For the motor housing part, or whatever it’s called, I rinsed out a milk jug and trimmed off the mouth.  Then I cut a slit in the bottom of the milk jug, inserted the foam blade through, and taped it place on the inside and outside of the milk jug with duct tape.

Then I cut a small X on each side of the milk jug, stuck a wooden dowel through, trimmed it to fit, and glued both sides, inside and out, with hot glue.  (This is so my son has something to hold onto.)  I also hot glued the inside and outside of where the blade goes into the milk jug.

Here is my happy boy, soon to be Ash, trying it on:

Then I slapped on papier mache and set it to dry:

NOT THAT YOU ASKED, but I will post more pictures when I put on the teeth and get it painted.  I’m not going to do tons of detail — just keep the milk jug’s handle as the handle, and add a round vent thing after it’s painted.  I’m going more for a cartoonish version than a faithful replica.  Because it’s paper mache!

 

Seven Quick Takes: NOT all about my book.

Just mostly.

1.  The audiobook.  I thought it would be ready for pre-order from Audible.com by now, but it’s not.  I will let you know as soon as it is!  This is a very chatty book, so audiobook will be a great format.  Plus, you’ll never guess whose voice they’re using:

x

Okay, fine, I don’t know whose voice they’re using.

2.  The contest.  The rules are:

1. Read my book. Come on, it’s $4.99, and it’s short.
2.  Leave an honest review on Amazon, and email a screenshot of your review to simchafisher [at] gmail [dot] com.  Please put “MY AMAZON REVIEW” in the subject line.
3.  That’s it.  You’re entered.   People who’ve already written reviews, are of course, welcome to enter.

I will work like an insane-o to have a picture of the prize ready by Monday, and the contest will run until that Friday, the 25th.  (Hey, that’s our wedding anniversary!)  Thanks to everyone who’s already entered!  I love hearing from you guys.

3. To readers who don’t own a Kindle or Nook:  I don’t have one, either —  I just downloaded a free reading program onto my laptop.  Here is a list of free apps you can download, so you can read Kindle editions on your computer, tablet, phone, chip implanted in your parietal lobe, etc.  We got you covered.

4.  The print edition. I have been talking to publishers all week.  YES, there will be a print version.  I will make an announcement as soon as I can!  It is lovely to be courted,

 

but a little nerve wracking for a first-timer like me.  But I am very grateful to have choices!

5. The first radio interview.  I just had a nice interview with Brian Patrick on theSon Rise Morning Show.  It got cut off unexpectedly — I don’t know if my phone crapped out, or what — but I did get a lot of talking in first.  You can download a podcast of the show here.

6.  Something something something that is not about my book already.  Oh, wait, here:  Head lice!  

 

We don’t have ‘em!  But lots of people do at this time of year.  This is the system that worked for us.  No neurotoxins, no seven-hour nit picking sessions.  If it works for my kids’ insanely thick hair, it will work for you.

7.  While I’m being helpful, here’s something else:  My knuckleheaded son broke his glasses for the third time this year.  The school year.  Which started last month. Apparently it’s not his fault because, while it’s true he was deliberately provoking his younger brother into punching him in the face, he never expected etc. etc. etc.  Anyway, my husband recently got glasses from Zenni Optical, and they are great.  And cheap (seriously, I think it was $30 for lenses, frames, case, and shipping)! And got here fast!  You just need a prescription, and away you go.  Now I just need a website that will quickly and cheaply dispatch ninjas to beat some sense into your knuckleheaded sons.  I’m pretty sure I could get a doctor’s note for that.

Okay, don’t forget to check out Conversion Diary for all the other quick takes!  Have a wonderful weekend, everybody.

Oh, I forgot!

One of the first reviews I got on Amazon was three stars, and it read:

I would have liked more pictures. And it didn’t tell me how many children to have. How am I supposed to know? Isn’t it just the same as the algorhythm method?

Now, I’m not sure if the fellow wants his name bandied about or not, but I laughed my head off when I read this.  Most people realized it was a joke, but then someone warned me that a funny joke like this could catch on, and generate a slew of hi-larious one-star joke reviews from fake disgruntled readers.  So on my “press release” post, I wrote,

There are 26 reviews on Amazon, with an average rating of five stars.

“I’m pretty sure that one three-star rating is a joke,” Fisher said.  ”My readers are real wise asses.  But seriously, if you think that taking bread out of the mouths of my children is a joking matter, by all means, continue.”

So of course the reader in question, being the nicest kind of wise ass, sprung into action; and the next day, I got a huge box in the mail:

 

I don’t know how well you can see it, but this is six boxes of Hodgson Mill Cheese and Herb bread mix, and five pounds of assorted candy.  So nobody is taking any bread out of anyone’s children’s mouths!  I love it.  And I would post a picture of us enjoying the candy, but it’s a little too close to this

x

 

for comfort.  And that was after the kids went to bed.

Thank you, guys.  You are the best!

About the cover art for SGNFP

My beloved cover

was done by the immensely talented John Herreid, who is a graphic artist for Ignatius Press.  (He also happens to be my sister’s husband’s brother, and he made the cover for me as a gift!)

Check out John’s latest blog post for Ignatius Press Novels, where he describes a few of the ingenious processes he used

while lovingly creating some of his favorite book covers.  So cool.

New rule

No setting traps for the baby just because you’re bored.

Or if you must, no using the last of the ham as bait.

 

Three cheers for Deal Hudson!

It’s short.  Go read the whole thing:

Dr. Deal W Hudson: Don’t Call Me a Conservative Catholic Anymore

PRIZES FOR YOU!

First, I just want to thank you guys.  My book has been selling really well, and I know it’s because of so much enthusiastic word of mouth buzz, and all the folks who were kind enough to take the time to leave a review on Amazon.  You are so generous, and I am amazed.  The outpouring of goodwill has just been overwhelming.  Thank you.

Second, with all the hoop de doo,

Hoop de doo, your holiness!

I forgot to name a winner for the Small Steps for Catholic Moms contest!  So . . . .

THE WINNER IS . . .

Guest!

Ha ha, no kidding, that’s what it says.  It’s okay, I have your email address, and I will contact you to get your mailing address.  It’s a great book, and I know you will enjoy it.  I even bought a bubble wrap mailer.

Third, I also forgot to name a winner for the last contest I held, where I was pre-giving-away a copy of my book.  So . . .

Emily, Monique, and Bridget, your ebooks are going out right away.  See? I said it would be November, and here it is October!  Early!  I win!

Fourth, I am going to do yet another contest for anyone who’s read my book, and I will totally not forget to give the prize this time, I swear. And the prize this time will bekind of awesome.  I’m being vague because I don’t have an image to share yet, but I think you’re going to love it.

Here’s how you enter:

1. Read my book. Come on, it’s $4.99, and it’s short.
2.  Leave an honest review on Amazon, and email a screenshot of your review to simchafisher [at] gmail [dot] com.  Please put “MY AMAZON REVIEW” in the subject line.
3.  That’s it.  You’re entered.   People who’ve already written reviews, are of course, welcome to enter.  And the prize this time will be kind of awesome.

 

Fifth, I am going to be chatting about my book on the Son Rise Morning Show at around 8:40 Eastern Time on Friday the 18th.  Hope you can catch it!

Oh, man, what a week.

Mother of Nine Accidentally Launches NFP Bestseller; Needle Buried on Irony Meter

MARLBOROUGH — Popular blogger Simcha Fisher’s first book, The Sinner’s Guide to Natural Family Planning, became a bestseller overnight after Fisher accidentally published the e-book a month early.

“I freaked out when I realized it was live, but I couldn’t figure out how to take it down. The next morning it was a number one bestseller on Kindle,” Fisher said.  “Apparently there was an option to set the release date, but I sort of glossed over that part, and now here we are.  Great news, obviously, and the whole family is very happy.  But we are scrambling with the logistics, because the timing was a little . . . unexpected.  Good thing we had already picked out a name.  For the book.”

Fisher added, “Yes, yes, book about NFP, accidental launch, irony, I get it.  I get it!”

Fisher planned to launch the e-book in November, to coincide with the audio version of her book produced by Audible.com. Fisher thought she was setting up her Kindle publishing account in advance, but instead published the book. Within 24 hours it was the top selling Catholic e-book, and the top selling Catholic book in all published categories on Amazon.

“I didn’t even have time to think about it,” Fisher said. “I still had to drive the kids to a birthday party and go grocery shopping.  It really hasn’t sunk in yet that I’m beating out the Pope.  And St. Augustine.  And the Bible.  Oh gosh, when does the dump close today?  I told you boys to sort that recycling!”

Fisher, a popular writer and speaker whose work appears in the National Catholic Register, Our Sunday Visitor, Catholic Digest, and other publications, offers her frank and funny take on Catholic sex, marriage, and family planning in The Sinner’s Guide to Natural Family Planning.

“If you’ve tried natural family planning and have discovered that your life is now awful – or if you feel judged or judgey, or if you trust NFP but your doctor doesn’t, or if just you’re trying to figure out how the heck to have a sex life that is holy but still human – you’ll find comfort, encouragement, honesty, wit, and, most importantly, practical advice in my book,” Fisher said.

The Sinners Guide to Natural Family Planning is already being hailed as a turning point in how Catholics can deal with this sometimes-difficult subject.  There are 26 reviews on Amazon, with an average rating of five stars.

“I’m pretty sure that one three-star rating is a joke,” Fisher said.  “My readers are real wise asses.  But seriously, if you think that taking bread out of the mouths of my children is a joking matter, by all means, continue.”

Simcha Fisher lives in Marlborough, NH, with her husband and nine children.  She is available for interviews and can be contacted at simchafisher@gmail.com.

Her book is available now on Amazon, Smashwords, and Nook. The Audible.com version will be available for pre-order very soon, and a print version is in the works.

Small Steps for Catholic Moms – blog tour and giveaway

Once upon a time, I could sit down and read for hours.  I had the time and the attention span.  I would tear through 400 pages by Doestoevsky in a matter of days, and I read things that I needed to hear.
Things have changed.  My reading now takes place in snippets, and often just before I fall asleep (which makes for some interesting dreams, if nothing else).
Small Steps for Catholic Moms is a book designed for people just like me.
We know we need a little boost, a little challenge and encouragement to make our days something better than a frantic game of catch-up.  So in this book, the year is laid out, one page per day, with something to think about, something to pray for, and something to do.
It’s by Danielle Bean and Elizabeth Foss — two moms who know a little bit about being busy, raising kids, and how easy it can be to feel like you’re drowning if you don’t have a little specific encouragement to turn things around.
Wednesday’s page made me laugh out loud.  The “think” one said:

So you’ve been hauled over the coals?  Don’t follow the advice of pride and lose your temper.  Think:  ‘How charitable they are toward me!  The things they’ve left unsaid!’

Ha.  I needed to hear that.   Here is the prayer that goes with it:

Sweet Jesus, I talk too much.  I sigh too often.  Please give me sufficient grace to keep my mouth closed in the face of trials.
and the call to action:
What is it that you are avoiding?  Do that thing today and suffer through it with a silent smile.
Okay, so I failed at that while I was halfway through typing out the sentence above.  But that’s kind of what this book is about:  small steps.  Not major renovations, not thorough overhauls.  Just little things that you really can do — easy enough to achieve, but important enough to make a difference, if you put the effort it.  So now I am trying again.  I can do this!
Now for the giveaway.  Just leave a comment on this blog, and in a few days I will randomly select someone to win a free copy of this neat little book.

Here is another taste of what you can find in this book.  This excerpt is from November, which has a theme of gratitude:

Think:
“Because I am so weak, you have pleased to grant my childish little desires, and now you will grant the rest—other desires far greater than the Universe.”
 – St. Thérèse of Lisieux
Pray:
You have given me so much, gracious God. I look over my catalog of blessings this month, and I am moved by your generosity. So often, my prayers are petitions that are tied to this world on earth. Please know that above all, I want most to be with you in heaven.
Act:
Take a moment today to thank someone who accepts you despite your weaknesses. These kinds of friends are gifts of the Holy Spirit.
Small Steps for Catholic Moms is going on a blog tour, so you can hear what other bloggers have gleaned from this helpful little book.   Here is the schedule of tour stops:
Don’t forget, leave a comment on this post, and you will be entered in a drawing to win a free copy of this book.  Good luck!

My Catholic Digest article on charitable giving . . .

is now online for your reading pleasure.  Also includes the names of some excellent charities, and some tips for how to plan for your own financial future.