Yesterday, I fell in love with my husband again. We’ve been married for 29 years. I was standing in the dining room, clearing the table for dinner, and he came in with a stuffed rabbit and showed it to our youngest.
She said, “Oh, that’s better, Daddy.” It turns out he had already washed her rabbit once, but it got mixed in with some red fabric and took on some pink dye. So he washed it again, with stain remover, because it’s not supposed to be a pink rabbit. It’s supposed to be white and he knew that mattered to her.
My husband does the laundry at our house. He is also the main breadwinner, and he also fixes cars, does plumbing and carpentry, lifts weights, watches football, grills meat, and shoots stuff.
But he does laundry because I need help keeping up with household jobs, and also because he’s good at doing laundry. And also, because his identity isn’t so fragile that he’s afraid that pushing a button on a washing machine is going to make him less of a man.
I’m telling this story because my country seems to be struggling, once again, with the idea of what it means to be masculine. Or, worse – not struggling but falling headlong for the grossest parody of masculinity without even a fight.
I am not going to try to get into gender theory here or try some extensive analysis of cultural norms. I did actually write an essay called “The Myth of the Macho Christ,” and it’s pretty good, so feel free to read that!
All I want to do today is remind people that, when we’re looking for examples of masculinity, we have lots and lots of guys who get it wrong. Some of it is just silly and will appeal mainly to the young – like the influencers and looksmaxxers who make a living crouched in front of a lighted mirror, pleading with their own faces to look more manly. We can at least hope that most guys will grow out of this.
But some parodies of masculinity are too dangerous to wait out, because man-parodies have the power to destroy nations, and they’ve made it clear that they might do so if it makes them feel strong.
If you think I’m exaggerating, just listen to our “Secretary of War” Pete Hegseth, proudly saying the things that only comic book villains used to say. “This was never meant to be a fair fight, and it is not a fair fight,” he says. “We are punching them while they’re down, which is exactly how it should be.” Or, “America is winning, decisively, devastatingly, and without mercy.”
That’s not masculine. That’s monstrous.
But that is not the whole picture. There are also plenty of guys who are getting it right, and the more you look for them, the more you find. Here are some who have caught my attention this week … Read the rest of my latest for The Catholic Weekly.