Cash in on curvy before the bubble pops!

Listen! Did you hear that? It was the floopy sound of body fat peaking as a social issue. In about ten social media minutes (which is the equivalent of forty dog years. Unless they are dogs who know how to surf. Then it about evens out), not even grad students blogging in pale yellow letters with a black background are going to want to talk about fatness anymore. Quick, while it’s still a tiny bit trendy, let’s cash in and corner that curvy market.

Okay, maybe it’s a rounded corner. Which is every bit as beautiful as right angles. Every. Bit.

Here are my ideas, and you can have ’em:

Curvy Spirituality I don’t know what it is, but it will make a million dollars. The gift pack comes encased in a pink naugahyde binder with a little inflation valve so you can Plus Size Your Blessings™. Other possibilities: a Biblical cookbook expansion pack. From Eden’s Fruit to Ezekiel’s Poop Cakes: Salivating Your Way Through Salvation History. Something something milk and honey. I dunno, this needs some work. You’re smart, you’ll figure it out.

Beach Towel Bellio. It’s like a little patio for your belly, see? You want to lie down on your side on the beach like all the normals, but your belly floops over the edge of the towel and gets all gritty in the sand because you just had to listen to your husband and get a tankini, which does come with high-waisted bottoms but which is not magic. No bueno!

Well, no más. Just affix the terry cloth Bellio (believe it or not, that name has not been trademarked yet. I checked) to your beach towel with the velcro tabs (included), spread out your accommodating new Bellio, and your tummy stays comfy and dry, at least until someone accidentally steps on it. Bellio is not responsible for stepped-on bellies.

BMI Bechdel Test. I guess this could be an app or something. If you want to bring in that coveted demographic of females size 18-32, your movie must include at least one woman with pants size in double digits, and, if she is in a relationship with a man, his attitude toward her pants size must not be featured as a major part of his character development. Seriously, he doesn’t get any medals for being in the same room with the gal sporting a bra extender.

Also he can’t be gay. Nice try, loopholers.

Curvy Music. Again, I don’t know what it is, but I know people would buy it. If there’s a market for German Reggae and Horror Country, then there’s a market for Curvy . . .

You know what, just stop everything and listen to this German Reggae.

Is . . . is that a dulcimer?

Curvy Barbies. Oh, wait, we already have these. Everyone was very enthusiastic about them last year, because these dolls were going to Fix Our Daughters. Right after they were done being fixed by playing with dolls that shriek, “STEM is cool!” every time you pat them on the ass.

So I was at the Walmart yesterday with some time to kill, and what did I see on the clearance rack? Rank upon rank of Curvy Barbies, all proudly hippy, all sporting thighs that were physically capable of supporting a torso, all tarted up just as whorishly as their rail-thin sisters, all beaming mindlessly into the stratosphere . . . and all unsold.

Dammit, I think I missed the wave. Hold me! Comfort me! No, not like that! Bring me some sour cream, you fool.

Image: decal on Amazon. Please do not buy this decal.

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8 thoughts on “Cash in on curvy before the bubble pops!”

  1. Are any shaped Barbie dolls popular these days? Little girls don’t seem to need to live out their dress fantasies with dolls anymore since they’re allowed to wear whatever they want, and are sexualized at a younger age. Poor taste reigns in real life. Dolls are so 20th century.

    My girls went from playing with baby dolls to American-Girl type dolls, and then outgrew dolls. None of them ever showed interest or asked for a Barbie. None of their female cousins played with Barbies either. I could never see the attraction; but then, I don’t wear lipstick or high heels or freak out over sequins and tulle.

  2. My problem with the curvy barbies is that none of the clothes are interchangeable! We would have to buy a whole new set of clothes! Same with the petite barbies. I guess it doesn’t really matter since all seventeen of my daughter’s barbies were typically lying around with no clothes on. She really only cared about fixing their hair.

  3. Have you tried Cacique’s new cilantro and lime sour cream in a squeeze bottle? I snacked on it straight up on toast while hating myself last night.

    I find barbies all over the house in compromising positions. It’s a good thing we finally got a Ken doll, because for a while there it was just the girls. I snap pictures of them and send them to my husband at work. Slutty outfits are preferable to the alternative (and really tame compared to the new butt bikinis at the beach.) (I know someone who does a thousand squats a week just to wear one, and it is a marvel to behold). I suppose we should feel relieved that naked Barbie bodies are pleasantly bland and unembellished. We may look back nostalgically to a more simple day before nipples and Brazilian waxes. Presently, the most shocking thing about our Barbies is that while Ken has mitigated their former lesbian proclivities, she will still sport the inevitable butch haircut before she gets tossed. Scissors are irresistible. But Barbie rocks the butch haircut and is distinctly more empowered.

      1. Hahahahahahaha. Thank you. I don’t think I’ve laughed once all day since reading Simcha’s post.

  4. Ya know, I was at the mall the other day, and they had a picture of a model in underwear who was curvy…and was showing cellulite. I was kinda surprised. Cellulite is apparently sexy now, which means I don’t have to do a thing. 😀

    Curvy spirituality, where we talk about ample motherhood, ample blessings, ample spiritual personality…I’m kinda stuck on ample here. :/

    1. The small town I grew up in, had a store called – I kid you not – “Ample Fashions” for the ample women. My sister and I had to go in there as adolescents for some kind of fundraising purpose, and were blown away by the bra section. We had no idea they came that large!

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