Seven Benny Pics

Share one of my lovely moments with sweet baby Benedicta, who is now over a month old:

 

She’s a rather solemn baby so far, but for some reason she cannot resist the comic genius of the words, “looby looby loo.”

Don’t forget to check out Conversion Diary for everyone else’s Seven Quick Takes!

 

A stink vote is too good for them.

Last November, I wrote about the Stink Vote – how I wish we could tell the candidates,

Okay, you get my ballot, but you need to know that you are not fooling me for one second.  You need to know that I will vote for you because your stench isn’t quite as stenchy as the guy from the Stench Party.

But just because I voted for you, that doesn’t mean I think you smell all right.  You don’t get my trust, you don’t get my support, you don’t get my approval.  All you get is my stinking stink vote.

This year, for the primary?  Well, I wrote today’s Register post “Eight Things to Cheer You Up On This Terrible, Terrible Day” yesterday, and I started with the words, “I voted today,” assuming I would do just that today.  I drove up to the polling place this morning.  I slowed down.

But I did  not stop the car.

Couldn’t get myself to do it.  No matter how I figured it, there was no possible way to cast a vote in a way that would not make me feel like I’d made life worse for everyone.   If I could have submitted an angry essay in lieu of a vote, I would have done it.  But vote for any of those guys, even to keep the other ones out?  Even I, the missionary of mediocrity, couldn’t do it.  Instead, I went home and made some meatloaf.  I think that was more productive than anything else anyone else in NH will do today.

Why I’m voting for Romney

So, I figured I would annoy a few people when I wrote about the GOP candidates the other day.  For some reason I forgot how mad people get about politics, especially this late in the game.  I was a little taken aback!

I’m not a political blogger, and I haven’t had the stomach to follow the race in detail this time around (and I may be the only American who hasn’t seen one single political ad this election), so don’t expect my thoughts to be especially consistent or admirable, or even very edited.   I’m not trying to convert anyone, or even argue.  But several people did ask (with varying degrees of outrage) why I feel the way I do about the candidates, so I’m ‘splaining myself.  You can take this little rant as a sample of what your typical semi-informed conservative Catholic voter thinks, and why I’m so mad about our choices this election.

HUNTSMAN:  He’s one of the only Republicans who is anti-torture.  Opposition to torture is a fundamentally pro-life issue — so am I morally required to vote for Huntsman?  No.  I believe that there are many ways a Catholic can interpret their obligation not to cooperate with evil.  People need to work out on their own how practical or canny or idealistic they need to be with their vote.  I really don’t see the point of voting for Huntsman.

PERRY:  What is there to say?  He’s just a useful idiot for the kind of conservative who puts the death penalty right after apple pie.  The only good thing about him is that, when people stopped liking him, it made me like people a little bit more.

GINGRICH:  Was his religious conversion genuine?  Probably.  Who knows?  Who cares?  I have a personal problem with Gingrich the man, but that wouldn’t keep me from voting for Gingrich for president, if I had a good reason.  But I don’t.  His very long political record is abysmal.  What has he done for us, as pro-lifers, and as social conservatives?  He is what’s wrong with the Republican party, so why would I count on him to bring it back to life?  I blame Newt Gingrich and everyone who admires him for creating the America that wanted Barack Obama for president.  Conservatives beclown themselves by putting any kind of faith in this man.  He is a pig, personally and politically.

PAUL:  I don’t blame people who find him appealing.  Some of his ideas make perfect sense, and he says things that nobody else is saying.  Very refreshing, when the United States has gone so bonkers so fast in the last few years (or, if you’re feeling cynical, in the last fifty years).

But there is so much wrong with him, I just can’t even deal with the thought of voting for him.  Every good idea he has brings a brain damaged twin along with it.  For instance, he thinks the Iraq War was a horrible idea — okay, good (and good for him for saying so when no one else was).  But he also thinks we had no business getting into World War II.  If you adhere to a Just War Doctrine, there is a lot to like about Paul’s distaste and mistrust of war — but he’s not basing his ideas on a Catholic understanding of the responsibilities of power.  He’s basing them on an unwillingness to get involved, period. He’s consistent,  yes, but in a Cain (as in Cain and Abel, not Herman!) way.  This is no good.  This is terrifying.  Scratch a libertarian and you get  a cold hearted SOB.

Not only are his foreign policy ideas anti-Christian, they’re incredibly naive.  All politics is global politics now — that genie’s out of the bottle.  You can’t just opt out anymore.  Many of us hate how the US pokes its nose into every other country’s business — it stretches us too thin, fiscally and with the lives of soldiers; and most of the time we’re not being altruistic at all, we’re just trying to put the squeeze on other nations.  BUT.  Can you even imagine  how President Ron Paul would comport himself in diplomatic meetings with other countries?  Whatever shred of dignity we have left as a nation after four years of Obama, that would be g-o-n-e after Ron Paul does his Rumplestiltskin “it’s not fair, leave me alone, mine mine mine” routine.

As someone who has needed help many and many a time, I do not trust a man who apparently prides himself on not wanting to help — whether it’s through foreign policy, or domestically, in the form of welfare or even taxes used for the public good.  I remember when he spoke out in favor of a couple of local tax evaders who stockpiled weapons in their home, expecting a gun battle with police (over no issue other than non-payment of taxes).  He called them heroes, and said it was civil disobedience.  That was when I first started to mistrust him.

Plus, YES, I think he should give back the money the neo-Nazis gave him.  Even non-Catholics should be able to understand that giving scandal is bad news.  And yes, I think he should ask himself why it is he appeals to neo-Nazis in the first place.

Moreover, he has absolutely no facility for getting things done, as far as I can see.  Blame his fellow congressmen if you like, but his record shows that he has lots and lots of bad ideas, and is such an a-hole in general that nobody wants to work with his good ideas.  After a certain point, it’s all his fault.  How would he be different as president?

These are just a few things off the top of my head that give me serious pause when I consider giving Ron Paul any sort of real power.  He’s said enough things that jar and disturb me to make me realize that he’s not just a quirky, honest-to-a-fault, down home guy — there’s something really wrong with him.

SANTORUM:  I don’t hold it against him that he had to do business with Arlen Specter.  Santorum is enough of a political adult to realize that you have to return political favors.  The other 99% of the time, the guy is decent and dependable (and I guess that’s why people got so extremely upset when I made fun of him in what I thought was a mostly harmless way).  But I just don’t see him beating Obama, at all, at all.  He is prissy and querelous and always speaks like a man with a grievance, which is tiresome and uninspiring.  Gotta bring in the guy who has a chance of beating Obama.

Which brings us to ROMNEY.  Yes, I resent the political machine which drags up these ridiculous stooges and waits for us to take responsibility for voting for them.  The guy is an empty suit.  I see this.  I used to be so angry at the Republicans, and say that they were just as bad as the Democrats — that there was no real difference, just a different flavor of corruption.

Well, after life with Obama, I think differently.  I would be immensely grateful to have a president who only does a little bit of harm, instead of striding around the globe with a meat cleaver, the way Obama has done.  All right?

So that’s why I’m voting for Romney.  I don’t really think he’s terribly pro-life . . . but he’s not avidly pro-abortion, like Obama.  I don’t really think he gets what’s so bad about Romneycare . . . but he’s not going to use heathcare as a Catholic-persecuting machine, like Obama did.  I’ll be voting against Obama, and I think I have a serious responsibility to do that.  I’m not thinking about four years down the road, or what “message” I’m sending to the GOP by appearing to support a joke like Romney.  I’m  just trying to stop the bleeding.

The beginning of this election season was like moving into a new house.  Oh boy, a chance for a fresh start!  You look around and make all these wonderful plans:  going to paint all of this part, take this wall out, maybe put in a little Japanese garden outside the kitchen window.  The possibilities!  So you start to make inquiries, and realize that everything costs more than you expected, and the only workmen in the area are druggies and ex-cons.  Okay, so you lower your sights.  Maybe just a few, really simple changes — even that could make a big difference.

Then the furnace blows up.  At first you think, “Okay, we’ll use the renovation money to upgrade the furnace instead.”  But then you discover that the previous owners, apparently just out of sheer awfulness, had jerry rigged the furnace in such a way that the vibrations it caused were steadily wearing away the foundations of the house.  So never mind getting even a very basic new furnace:  what you need to do is put up some emergency beams to keep the house from collapsing, and

– oh, you’re still cold?  Pick up a $30 space heater at Walmart on the way home, just to get you through until the spring.

Mitt Romney is that space heater.  Nobody’s pretending he’s a long-term solution.  He’s certainly not what you wanted, or even what you need, and when you think about your original dreams for your country, just less than a year ago, you laugh bitterly, and curse the former owners.  But you have to do something, just to get by.  At least it’s better than leaving things the way they are.  Meanwhile, you have some major repairs to do.

visions of women who went to hell because of wearing trousers

 i.  ok
.
You take photos like Harley man!
If she farts, ka-blu-ee.
Becoming less masculine,
Marx Brothers sexistic.
Ok, let’s pray and see.
.
I am married but I want to be a priest.
(They have got married recently.)
Fatman sex.
Simcha Fisher drinking.
Bless somebody’s sole.
.
.
ii.  the technical details
.

Where is Kincaid in the list of great painters?Sitting down that needes to be worn.Have you ever flashed women while wearing a kilt?

My church doesn’t talk about the technical details.
.
Maurice Sendak Jewish goat;
Stupid fertility questions.
Feel the difference:
Shitzu and Starwars.
Spray chrome feel chrome like chrome.
.
.
iii.  finally
.
Can`t you see this is my shoes size?
Natural family planning designed to fail.
My mother in law was giving out to me while I was giving birth.
Hysterical postures!
Poo.
.
Big fat woman sitting on little men:
What is there to resist?
Finally got around to watching Annie Hall.
My husband goes along.
.
.
iv.  all day
.
Home schooled children sit on their asses all day.
Girls wear plastic pants, St. Marys, South Bend.
Girdles pantaloons tubes;
Lady Barbara shoejob.
The church takes but doesn’t give anything.
.
.
v.  all over
.
Catholic women can no longer act as spiritual advisors.
All over the place in her writing.
Stupid trampoline!
The joke’s on you.
No legitimate excuse for a relapse.
.
What does it mean if my husbands co worker bakes him a desert?
Is Thomas Kinkade a big ol’ jerk?
Anyone who’s crazy enough to want to be a Jew is a Jew.
I vote for fat.
.
.

I don’t even.

You see what you’ve done to me?  I’ve been trying to figure out for two days how to express how astonished, bowled over, and grateful I am to everyone who contributed (or complained about not being able to contribute!) to my fabulous virtual baby shower, hosted by my dear friend Jennifer Fulwiler . . . and the best I can do is to stammer like an idiot (see title).

What I’m trying to say is, BOY, that was a lot of money. Thank you.  It not only helps tremendously with all the “new baby/end of year/Christmas everything/beginning of year/taking time off work/holy cow did we really go through all those diapers already/damn, there goes another little bit of tooth” expenses, but it took away so much ANXIETY.  You guys are the best.  I never expected anything like this, and it honestly still hasn’t even hit home yet!  Jen is going to send me a list of the names of people who contributed, and I will be sending personal thank-yous soon.

I wish I could say I’ve been saving up something special as a way of showing my gratitude, but I don’t even know where the baby is just now (just kidding, she’s sleeping in her car seat on the floor by the heating vent).  Well, here’s something you’ve probably already seen, but it’s pretty much the best thing I’ve seen all year.  So, from my snarky heart to your generous ones, thank you, readers.

 

Baby Post with Blabbering and Lots of Pictures!

I took a week off writing and forgot how to write.  So here are some miscellaneous word-thingies about life with our lovely Baby Benny, who is six days old today.

THE NAME:

We originally chose Benedict Renée Fisher, thinking “blessed and reborn” was pretty awesome, with the bonus of a tribute to our beloved pope and St. Benedict.  But then we realized her initials would be BRF, which any self-respecting sibling would immediately and permanently identify as BARF.  So Renée was out.

When it became clear that the little stinker intended to be born in December, and not November, we started to think about more Marian names.  Maribel is for Mary, of course, with a nod to Our Lady of Guadalupe (whose feast is one of three due dates I was given) because . . . um, it sounds kind of Spanishy.

I tried really, really hard to give birth on Dec. 7, but the pious child simply wouldn’t budge until the feast of the Immaculate Conception (two minutes into Dec. 8, to be exact).

Furthermore, when I was in early labor, I had the sudden idea to use the Sh’ma Yisrael(something I haven’t thought about in years) as a mental chant while doing my useless breathing exercises.  The Sh’ma is a short prayer derived from the Torah.  It’s sort of the anchor for all Jewish prayer:  “Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one.”  You say it in the morning and in the evening, and, if you can manage it, as your last words before you die.

So I went with it.  After the birth, my mother reminded me that Edith Stein, the great Jewish philosopher, who converted to Catholicism, became a nun, and was martyred in the Holocaust, took the name Theresa Benedicta with her vows.  So, Benedicta again!  This child has, at last count, four patron saints, including one with an apparent penchant for making cryptic suggestions to women in labor.

THE BIRTH STORY:

I hate, hate, hate giving birth, and this one was, to be honest, one of the most scary and unhappy labors and deliveries for me, although it’s hard to say why, since there were no medical complications and I had so much care and support from my husband, family, friends, and doctors.  So I will spare you the birth story, and instead I’ll take Jen Fulwiler’s advice and put it into haiku form:

THE BIRTH OF BENEDICTA MARIBEL

Everybody prayed,

And I appreciate it!

(I threw out those socks.)

And we got us one of these:

So that turned out okay.  Let’s see, what else?

THE OTHER KIDS:

The kids are all more or less bonkers over her.

Irene, who is 2 1/2, did not get the memo about how the birth of her baby sister would turn her little world upside down.  So far, the only thing that’s upset her is the horrible belly button — she burst into tears the first time she saw it, and we were all much relieved when the scary stump fell off.

Yesterday, she said, “Mama, fanks for building Benny in your belly.”

She and Lucy (the little ones at home) are slightly disgusted by my negligent care of the baby, and are constantly reminding me, “Remember, don’t sit on the baby!  I fink she’s hungry, Mama.  You should feed her.  Be careful, don’t get jelly on her.”

MY HUSBAND:

It’s a good thing I’m married to my husband, because it would be very awkward to be this much in love with a man who’s shown such tender, generous care and attention over the course of this year.  I had such wild expectations of how very happy we would be when we got married and had lots of kids, but this is more than I was even capable of imagining.  Thanks for the babies, Damien.  I love you.

AND EVERYTHING:

I’m so very, very behind in thanking everyone for all the prayers and good wishes on this blog, on the Register, and through Facebook and email.  Please do know that I was glad and grateful to read every one!  I know it’s not easy to spare prayers and concern for others when everyone’s lives are so full and complicated.  It’s truly wonderful to have so many friends, and to know that my little one is so welcome in the world.

And my wonderful mother-in-law, HM (I’m not being discreet — she goes by “HM”) dropped everything and cared for everyone for some long, long days while I got back on my feet (more or less).  And my daughter’s friend’s grandmother showed up with enough food for an army, just when I was thinking, “Ugh, can’t put off dinner any longer.”   And my parents made the trip to see their 36th (?) grandchild, bearing presents and bagels:

AND THIS IS AWKWARD, BUT:

Jen Fulwiler has been hosting a sort of virtual baby shower for me over at Conversion Diary, and even went to the trouble of collecting a few pieces I wrote.  Jen has been a constant, gracious, and genuine support for my writing for many years, despite her incredibly full schedule of speaking and writing profound but accessible insights into the spiritual journey of a modern convert!  I can think of no better way for me to show my appreciation for her than to let her write me a check after people send her money for me.

She also told me that I ought to tell you all about it (she will be taking the “donate” button down on Dec. 16), in case you accidentally forgot to spend enough money Christmas shopping this year, and have been wondering how to make your bank account a little more lithe and manageable.

Phew, there, I did it.  Let us never speak of this again!  Hey look, here’s another baby picture:

Benedicta Maribel

Born at 12:02 a.m. Dec. 8. She is 8 pounds, 14 ounces. Both baby and Mama are doing great.

A Genuinely Easy Advent Activity

HEY, IT’S ALMOST ADVENT.  If that idea makes you panic, weep, or throw up, then this is the post for you.

My sister, Abby Tardiff, put together a very, very easy Advent activity  – as she says, “suitable for kids or grown-ups” — to help focus us on preparation for Christmas.  You can use it either as an Advent chain or as Jesse Tree ornaments.

I couldn’t figure out how to put the actual images in this post, but if you click on the link below, you can download the the word document, which is seven pages in black and white.

 

Advent chains

And here are my sister’s directions:

FOR USE AS AN ADVENT CHAIN:

Cut on the lines to make strips, and use a stapler to form the strips into paper

chains, which represent the chains of sin and death. Then each day of

Advent, starting this Sunday, remove one strip and read it. Except for

December 19, which is from the Canticle of Zechariah, they are all Old

Testament prophecies of the coming of the Messiah.

[For a more colorful version, tape the strips to purple or pink strips of construction paper, depending on what week you’re on.  It’s very nice for everyone, especially younger kids, to see the chain getting smaller and smaller as Christmas approaches; and little kids can take turns snipping the links and handing them to someone who can read.]

FOR USE AS JESSE TREE ORNAMENTS:

Each strip also has a Jesse Tree ornament (not related to the prophecy) on

it that you may color and cut out, and hang on a branch. The Jesse Tree

tells the history of Salvation, beginning with Creation and ending with

Emmanuel, God With Us. During Advent, we tell our children these stories,

because they tell why we need a Savior, and how God prepared the world for

His coming.

The last seven ornaments are the “O Antiphons” taken from the evening

prayers of those days. You can read about them here.

The hymn “O Come, O Come

Emmanuel” is based on the O Antiphons.

Feel free to pass these around. I chose the prophecies, but I kiped

uncopyrighted images from various places on the net.

YOU GUYS!!!! [updated with corrections]

Boy, we had to wait forever to spill the beans, but I’m very, very pleased to announce that

YOU CAN PRE-ORDER THE BOOK ON AMAZON!!!

What book? you ask.  The book that SIMCHA WROTE?

No, don’t be silly.  I can barely get up the energy to come up with a subordinate clause these days, never mind a whole book.

I did, however, write a chapter!

I dibsed the one on motherhood, since it will be years before my kids are old enough to get up the courage to express how misguided I was and how horribly I warped them with my stupid ideas about motherhood, and maybe the world will come to an end before I have to deal with it.

The book is

Style, Sex, and Substance: 10 Catholic Women Consider the Things that Really Matter

 and I am genuinely thrilled about the line-up of contributors!

Firstaball, it was conceived and edited by the astonishing Hallie Lord of Betty Beguiles.   Now check out the list of writers she assembled.  [NOTE:  This is the corrected list.  Sorry for the mix-up!]

Introduction and Afterward by Hallie Lord

and chapters by: Jennifer Fulwiler

 Karen Edmisten

Me!

Rachel Balducci

Annie Mitchell

Rebecca Teti

Hallie Lord

Betty Duffy

Danielle Bean

Barbara Nicolosi

I almost feel silly linking to these writers’ websites, because surely you already have them bookmarked.

Here’s the official summary:

In Style, Sex, and Substance: 10 Catholic Women Consider the Things that Really Matter, ten of the top Catholic female writers come together to offer tips, encouragement, and a bit of humor for their sisters in the trenches of daily life. From the difficulties of fitting in prayer time to the impact that lots of babies have on intimacy to the unique challenges of the single life, each author digs deep into the issues that real Catholic women think about. With the tone of a group of gals gathered around a bottle of wine, it is sure to be a hit with all Catholic women, whether they need practical tips in areas in which they struggle, words of encouragement, or just a bit of entertainment after a long day.

Did I mention that

you can pre-order the book,

and that it will be coming out in March of 2012?

It’s published by Our Sunday Visitor Press.  Thank you, Hallie, for including me in this project.

i want to turn into a dog, but how?

I’m a pastor’s wife looking for inexpensive baby gifts.Was George Washington brilliant or lucky?
Why do fat women like Tweety Bird?
I have to sit down blob.
.
You don’t want to be in my shoe, my shoe.
Stallone in the dark;
Planet tushy.
.
Beer is sabotaging my fat loss.
I’ll claw your eyes out.
.
 God, God, God, else but God:
Accidentally whole bottle.
How to reply when your answer is stupid?
How to make gargoyle feet?
.
Knock knock. Who’s there?  Never.
Victorian cats;
Buboes.
Get down, down, down; sit on the premium.
Superman unclothes
.
Are there any non-dorky homeschooling parents?
Simcha Fisher gun-wielding butt.support+wife’s+stupid+ideas:
Lori Petty theme.
.
Disney penis,
Outrageous mustache,
Simcha dog hero.
.
Danielle feral,
Awful teeth,
Joke meningitis joke.
.
Big fig newton,
X-ray monkey,
“Wonky tonky” meaning.
.
Kosher condomes for ivf;
Mamamamamamamamamamamamamama.
How is being told your butt is abig a complement to a girl?
He is a chubby man.
.
Simcha Fisher
Modesty debate.
I will make you fishers of pants.
.