Things You Don’t Want Steam In: A Short List

L0006579 Engraving: 'Monster Soup..." by William Heath

image via Creative Commons

Things you want steam in:

  • Your nasal passages, to clear congestion
  • Your bedroom, to add moisture to the air in the winter
  • Your bathroom, to get wrinkles out of that delicate silk dress
  • Your kitchen, to diffuse pleasant, cozy smells of a homecooked meal

Things you don’t want steam in:

  • Your vagina. For any reason.

Yes, there are people who don’t intuitively grasp this. People who don’t realize that “forgotten ancient wisdom” is often forgotten for a reason. People who seriously countenance the idea that crouching over a hot pot of wet oregano is is somehow going to have a healing effect on your ovaries, which, last I checked, are kind of up in there, you know?

But it’s ancient! It’s wisdom! It’s alternative medicine, and is not intended to provide medical advice, so what could possibly go wrong? Assuming you manage to avoid the inevitable, horrible, hard-to-explain-at-the-ER-scalding, I can just imagine the scene. Husband comes home, hangs up his hat, pets the dog, and looks around for his wife. Takes a deep, appreciative sniff coming from the recesses of the house and calls out, “Honey, whatever you’re cooking, it smells great!” And she says  . . .

Well, you tell me what she says.

Although, giving the article a second read, they may be on to something. You’re supposed to spend at least a good hour sitting down undisturbed, wrapped up in a warm blanket, and you’re then supposed to go right to bed and nobody is allowed to bother you, because you are anciently healing yourself. Alone. Without getting up. And it’s recommended that you do this three times in the week before your period!

You know, I also have some ancient wisdom. Vaginal steaming has been shown to be most effective when you bring a bottle of Tanqueray with you, and the bedroom door locks. Don’t argue with me! Tanqueray is herbal as all get out. I got yet ancient wisdom right here.

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connecting the dots

Mark has a different co-host each day, Weekdays at 5PM EST
Saturday at 8AM EST;  Sunday at 10PM EST

Mark Shea’s “Connecting the Dots” takes a look at everything from pork to pyrotechnics as we explore this delightful, tragic, ordinary, extraordinary, sinful, and redeemed world through eyes of Catholic faith and seek to live as intentional disciples of Jesus Christ in his one, holy, Catholic, and apostolic Church.

Hooray, I wrote a bizarre book that should have been stopped!

At least according to Tiffany Willis, in her piece 27 Bizarre Religious Book Titles that Should Have Been Stopped. I’m #27!

sgnfp stack

According to her bio, the blogger Tiffany Willis “has spent most of her career actively working with ‘the least of these’ and disadvantaged and oppressed populations.”

Sister, if you can find anyone more disadvantaged than the author of a book about NFP, you’re a better finder than I am. Still, to have my slim volume in the company ofCommunism, Hypnotism, and the Beatles and The Bible Cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome . . . well, I always say I’m open to new experiences. I shall now go back to designing my new GoFundMe Campaign, “Dog Balls for Tito.”

Worth noting: The Sinner’s Guide to NFP has made not one but two others of this type of list! Worst Christian Book Covers of 2013 and Ten Christian Book Covers You’ll Wish You Could Erase From Your Brain. Again, I say hooray!

Help me name my baby!

Oh, fun! Sancta Nomina is a blog devoted to Catholic baby names, and the author has devoted an entire post to our dear Shrimpy, who is still known as Shrimpy, even though my due date is Feb. 26. Which is soon.

I love talking about names! Check out the blog and leave a suggestion. I’m not even kidding; we really need help.

I’m tired of hearing that everything crappy is feminized.

tridentine mass

photo by the Priestly Fraternity of Saint Peter, available from http://fssp.org

What did Cardinal Burke actually say about the feminization of the Church? I still haven’t read it, but I’m guessing it’s like a lot of what he says: true and necessary, but expressed in a frustratingly tone-deaf way that is more or less guaranteed to encourage argy bargy. Sorry, but that does seem to be his specialty. So I haven’t read it, because I already have my own opinions about the priest shortage and about altar girls, which I will save for another post.

What I have read is a lot of the commentary on what he said, and the response seems to fall into two categories:

(a) What a load of misogynist  crap! Any man who feels threatened by femininity has pee pee problems, and is just looking to pin his inferiority complex and his likely impotence on anything with a vagina.

(b) Yeah! You show those feminazis! Every time I go to Mass and see the altar crawling with women, I want to puke. My Catholicism is strong and muscular, and my wife and daughter know better than to even think of getting in between me and God.

(c) Har har, Burke really tips his hand when he turns up all decked out in silk and lace and poofy hats. Looks like Mr. Manly Man is overdue for a trip to the therapist for his . . . predilections.

***

I’ll address (c) first — the jeering at Burke for his lacy vestments.  I am really uncomfortable with mocking or criticizing clergy who have a taste for old, traditional clothing and ceremonies and elaborate liturgical gestures. These things look different to modern eyes, and to me, they often look silly; but they were clearly never intended to be femme.

They were intended, as far as I know, to set the priest, and what happens at the altar, apart from everyday, practical things — much like the royal robes of a king or queen. I assume that, to many people, including Cardinal Burke, this is what they still suggest. I wish we could talk about what is wrong with the macho man version of Catholicism without implying that these guys are all secretly gay.

***

Now for the question of whether or not the Church has become too feminine. I believe that the people who say (a) (“Women rule! Boys drool!”) and (b) (“The Church needs women like a fine restaurant needs cockroaches!”) are both making the same mistake, at least in regards to what has gone awry in the Church:

They are both making the mistake of assuming that all the most notorious bad fruits of Vatican II are actually feminine. We’re assuming that clown or puppet Masses are feminine — giant clay vases filled with dead sticks and sand are feminine — felt and burlap banners are feminine — Marty Haugen’s melodic tapioca is feminine — liturgical hijinks of every kind are feminine — goofy or blasphemous liturgical dance is feminine — sunshine-and-buttercups catechesis is feminine — bad theology is feminine — heresy and sloppiness and irreverence and silliness of every kind are feminine.

Now hear this: these things are no more authentically feminine than porn is authentically masculine. Instead, they are a revolting distortion of what femininity is meant to be; and that is why they are so bad for the Church.

I am awfully, awfully tired of hearing that bad theology, bad music, bad dancing, and bad felt banners are feminine. I’m a honest to goodness woman, and I find that shit just as offensive and off-putting as men do. Men and women are equal in the eyes of the Church. Men and women have different gifts to offer, and the Church has different gifts to offer to men and women. We ought to be able to talk about what does and does not belong in the Mass without pitting men and women against each other, or reducing each other (or ourselves!) to offensive stereotypes of masculinity and femininity.

Since when does the Pope meet with porn stars?

Crux is running a quickie story headlined Pope meets two American stars: Angelina Jolie and Cardinal Burke; and the picture featured is of the Pope shaking hands with a smiling, decorously attired Jolie, who was in town to promote her film Unbroken. 

Jolie has … said the experience of making the film has reopened her to the idea of the divine, if not any specific religious faith.

In a statement, Jolie called the chance to present the film at the Vatican “an honor.”

My general impression of Angelina Jolie is that (a) she grew up in Hollywood, and it’s a miracle she’s even human at this point; (b) she is mixed up about a lot of things, but seems to be trying hard to be a decent human being and a good mother, and seems to want to take advantage of her celebrity to do good, as she sees it; and (b) she sure is pretty.

Of course, the Pope meets with people constantly, every day, all year long, so I didn’t think a little handshake is a story to get worked up over either way.

NOT SO THE INTERNET! NOT SO!  Here’s a thread I saw on Facebook under a link to the Crux story:

 

jolie pope

Yarr. Two points:

1. Can we save the description “porn star” for people who are porn stars?

2. There is actually some precedent for a representative of the Church meeting with sexy ladies. See:

The_Holy_Bible

image source: Kevin Probst [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Because if there’s one thing we learned from the Gospels, it’s that Jesus would never

. . . Oh, never mind.

The abortion lie that just won’t die

Emergency_room

image by Thierry Geoffroy via Wikimedia Commons 

 

It’s expensive to run a medical facility, and reasonably so, because when people’s lives are at stake, you should be willing to spend a little money. If you want to perform surgery, then you should be ready to perform surgery. If you think women’s lives are not worth an upgrade or two on your facility,  then maybe you’re in the wrong business.

Read the rest at the Register. 

On repeat today: Son Little

 

son little things i forgot

 

A lovely lady (hi, lovely lady!) sent me an Amazon gift card, so I did something I haven’t done in maybe ten years: bought a new album. It’s on repeat now, all five songs of it, and that’s why I’m not getting anything done today.

The album is Son Little: Things I Forgot. Here is “Your Love Will Blow Me Away When My Heart Aches.”

This guy is the real deal. Haven’t heard anything this good in years and years. My only concern is that I don’t think he is okay. I want to stop by his house with some hot soup and make sure he is getting to bed at a reasonable hour.  He has one of those “quivering with life while staring at death” voices, but it’s the silences between lines that really hurt.

He also won my heart by posting a picture on Facebook of a check for ten cents that he recently earned through his art.

Can’t wait for more songs!

It’s silly season for Catholics who bash Francis on climate change

If we want a pro-life message to be part of the conversation on environmental policy, then the Pope must speak.

 

Read the rest at the Register.

New radio show! Connecting the Dots with Mark Shea and me AND…

connecting the dots

. . . Tom McDonald, Dale Ahlquist, Jason Stellman, and Steven Greydanus. Mark’s new radio show, Connecting the Dots, airs on Real Life Radio from 5-6:00 PM Eastern, five days a week, and I’m thrilled to announce that I’ll be co-hosting with Mark on Mondays. You can listen live online here.  About the show:

Mark Shea’s “Connecting the Dots” takes a look at everything from pork to pyrotechnics as we explore this delightful, tragic, ordinary, extraordinary, sinful, and redeemed world through eyes of Catholic faith and seek to live as intentional disciples of Jesus Christ in his one, holy, Catholic, and apostolic Church.

The weekly schedule: Monday: Simcha Fisher
Tuesday: Tom McDonald
Wednesday: Dale Ahlquist
Thursday: Jason Stellman
Friday: Steven Greydanus

This is going to be a good one! It is a call-in show, so I hope you can join in. P.S. I have no idea what we are going to be talking about.