Jesus died for everybody, true. But He also died for each of us, specifically, individually, lovingly. Inefficiently. He would have died just for me. Why, I do not know. But I know it wasn’t just poetic license when God says that the hairs on my head are counted. Salvation is not some kind of corporate endeavor for maximum efficiency. It’s not efficient, and, thank God, it’s not fair
Read the rest on the Register.
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In yesterday’s thrilling installment, a desperate woman stopped on the way home from school, left the kids in the car, and dashed into Walmart to buy a pair of jeans without even trying them on, because they couldn’t possibly fit worse than what she had on already.
She drove home, dropped off the kids, threw on the jeans, ripped off the tags, and went back out to pick up the other kids from catechism, pausing only to wonder why that one dad in the church basement suddenly seemed kind of interested. Hey hey, these jeans must fit pretty well after all! Looks like this postpartum mama’s still got it!
But no. What this mama had got was what the fashion industry calls A Sticker On the Butt.
A nice big sticker, too. “Holds its shape” indeed.
Not as bad as the time I went to Mass with the family and discovered much, much later that the folks in the pew behind us had something amazing to ponder. Some child had decorated my behind with a sticker from the WIC office. It was a bug-eyed, grinning strawberry (like this), framed with the words “RIPE AND READY!”
And they’re thinking, “Okay, you’re open to life, we get it . . . ”
I know my audience, and I know you guys have stories. What did you not realize was on your ass?
2. The invisible, celebratory fireworks that explode in your head when the credit card machine says, “APPROVED.”
One year, deep in the throes of some emotional complex about femininity, I wore dresses all summer. At the time, I had no car, and walked several miles a day. At the time, I also had (and still have) a rather meaty physique. That, plus heat and humidity, plus all the walking, equaled one of the most foul, painful chronic rashes I have ever seen or suffered. Just horrible.
But they are making such nice dresses these days! What to do? I was so pleased to discover that I’m not some kind of extra-damp freak of nature, and that lots of women have a hard time dealing with thigh chafing under those pretty skirts that everyone claims are so light and airy.
Here are a few solutions people have recommended. I haven’t bought anything yet, so I can’t personally vouch for any of these products, but they look promising. Note: these aren’t supposed to make you look skinnier — they’re just for cutting down on chafing.
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Here’s the most minimal. It comes in lace, but I’m leaning toward the plain ones: Bandalettes – about $12-$16
Most reviewers say they don’t slip around. This looks like the lightest option, as long as that thigh spot is the only spot that gets chafed.
Lots of VERY VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN manage to chafe in other spots, too, though. For that situation,
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Skimmies seem popular. About $20, These are actual underwear — again, not for tummy control, but to prevent chafing. The waist sits just on or below the belly button. Here is a version with moisture-wicking fabric, for those of us flowers who are extra dewey:
A few commenters complained that, while these stay in place well, the crotch isn’t ventilated well enough. If you’re prone to yeastie beasties, this might not be a good option.
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Vermont Country Store offers mid-thigh cotton panties, about $23 -$27
which would be more breathable, but probably won’t stay in place as well as the ones with lycra and such. They appear to hit higher on the waist.
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Mainly because I’m a sucker for a clever name, here’s a company called Thigh Society(ha!), which sells nothing but anti-chafing panty shorts:
They are $39 and are currently not in my size, which is “shut up I just had a baby,” but they look promising.
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One more option: Undersummers Shortlettes slip shorts, about $32:
These appeal to me mainly because the model looks like she only does sit ups when she damn well feels like it.
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There are also dozens of variations made with more fabric — bloomer-style short pants, pettipants, divided slips, gaucho pants, etc. I, for one, am hoping to find something with as little material as possible, to preserve the impression that I’m just wearing underwear like a normal human being.
Whatcha got, chaferoos? Have you had any luck with any of these products, or with something else?
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(You’ll note that most of these links are to Amazon products. That’s because I’m an Amazon Associate. If you arrive at Amazon by using one of my links, then I get a percentage of the price of whatever you buy — even if it’s not something I originally linked to. These bits and pieces add up tremendously, and help us keeping our big family afloat!
Here is a general Amazon page with my code embedded. If you would care to bookmark it, you could use this link every time you shop at Amazon. Thanks!)
Maya Angelou Or Somebody
Maya Angelou has been dead long enough. As someone who still owes money on my student loan for my BA in literature with a concentration in lyrical poetry, I declare it fine to make fun of her now. Here we go:
On Tuesday, the USPS unveiled a limited-edition stamp intended to honor the late poet Maya Angelou, featuring her beaming smile and a choice quotation to fill the frame. “A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer,” reads the stamp, “it sings because it has a song.”
The only problem? That’s not a Maya Angelou quote. That particular birdie quote was by someone named Joan Walsh Anglund. It was the 70′s. We were all talking about birds, pretty much all the time. That, and our hair.
Here’s the response from the USPS:
“Had we known about this issue beforehand, we would have used one of [Angelou’s] many other works. … The sentence held great meaning for her and she is publicly identified with its popularity.”
In other words: Meh. Sounds pretty Maya Angelou-ish to me. I guess it’s a problem, but . . . meh.
And that there is pretty much all you need to know about the poetry of Maya Angelou, the most meh-worthy poet ever to say miscellaneous things about birds and whatnot.
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The Harrowing of WHAT, NOW?
The Salon piece is a prime example of the fine art of doing zero research. To craft this kind of essay, you start out knowing nothing about something, and assume that the only explanation is that either (a) there is nothing to know, because religious people are stoopid or (b) there is plenty to know, and it’s SUPER SCANDALOUS, but religious people would rather not talk about it, because religious people are stoopid.
Read the rest at the Register.
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This isn’t a picture of a blog, but it is a picture! Always have a picture.
Every so often, someone asks me for tips on launching a new blog. Here is some general advice for the typical popular blog. I don’t take all this advice myself, but it’s still all good practice.
Experienced bloggers, what would you add?
To increase your audience:
-Always include a picture. People are much more likely to read and share a post that has an illustration of some kind.*
-Post everything on Facebook, Twitter, and Google Plus once or twice, and make good use of keywords and hashtags. Also consider using Instagram, Tumblr, and Pinterest.-Post regularly. Aim for three times a week, if not every day.
-Make post titles short, snappy and searchable. Questions make good titles (but not for every post). Intriguing trumps descriptive.
-Before you try to get any big traffic, do a “soft launch” by having about 5-6 posts already published. If you intend to have a comment box (which is not necessary), find a few friendly people to leave comments in those first posts, to give it a “live” feeling.
-Don’t be afraid to introduce yourself to bigger bloggers who have an audience that might be interested in your writing. Don’t expect to hear back from everyone, of course, but many bloggers are happy to do a quick, general “Here’s something new, might be interesting” post on social media, so cast a wide net.
-Put a link to your blog allllll over the place: in the signature of your email, in comments that you leave on other blogs, in the heading of whatever social media you use, etc.
-Include the option to subscribe to your blog via feeds and email.
-Link to other bloggers on your blog, either within the content or at the end of the post in a “related reads” list. Share other bloggers’ work on social media.
*Bloggers, even tiny little ones, are getting sued more and more often for using copyrighted pictures! Make sure that you only use images you have permission to use — either your own photos, or images from sources like Wikimedia Commons, Wellcome Images, Pond5, or other sources of royalty-free images. Make sure you attribute them correctly (the sites will give you directions for how to attribute).
For the writing itself:
-Write about things that you really know about, rather than Things People Really Ought to Know. People really like to get snapshots of worlds that aren’t anything like their own, OR snapshots of worlds that they know all too well, and wish other people understood. Dialogue, vivid description, thoughts that popped into your head – these are all much more captivating than explanations or analysis.
-Let your unique voice come through. A consistent, authentic voice that becomes familiar is what will keep people coming back. It’s okay to assume a persona that’s not exactly you, as long as it’s consistent.
-It’s fine to be dramatic and punchy; it’s not fine to be sensationalistic. People are very, very tired of the breathless “You’ll never believe what happens next!” kind of stuff that’s everywhere, and they resent being tricked into reading a story. Let the writing and subject matter be compelling on its own.
-It’s fine to be controversial or critical; it’s not fine to be nasty or to get personal. If you’re angry, be angry, but be other things, too.
-There is nothing wrong with latching onto a hot topic, news story, or celebrity name and using it as a hook to talk about something that you have insight or experience about, but don’t let every post be like this.
-Keep posts short, under 1,000 words. This isn’t applicable for every type of blog; but the typical reader has a pretty short attention span. And for crying out loud, use paragraphs. Too many bloggers offer a solid brick of writing, and I, for one, refuse to read bricks.
For the blog:
-Seems like common sense, but search around to make sure no one else is already using whatever name you choose. You don’t want to be constantly explaining, “No no, I’m Musings of a Random Guy, not Random Guy’s Musings.”
-Have a picture of yourself somewhere on the blog, and make sure there’s an “about me” or “what we do here” page.
-Include contact information. It’s a good idea to have a separate email just for you blog, so your inbox doesn’t get too cluttered with blog stuff.
-Remember that you don’t owe anyone a platform. People are free to start their own blogs, if they have something to say! If you do decide to have a comment box, consider moderating comments before they get published. It’s nice to have a lively comment box that feels like a community, but if the jerks feel too free to say whatever they want, then decent, sensible people won’t bother getting involved, and you’ll just have a cesspool.
-Use tags; have archives on your sidebar; and once you get going, consider having a “my favorite posts” or “most popular posts” list on the sidebar, to keep people browsing around.
-Keep it as uncluttered as possible. Avoid pop-ups and autoplay ads.
-For the love of mike, don’t use a dark background and light print, and don’t use any kind of gimmicky font. Make it as readable as possible or . . . dun dun dun . . . people won’t read it.
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An experienced mother is never taken by surprise. Unless there is a shark in the house.
That’s not a naked bottom. That’s a grenade, and you are its next victim unless you take evasive action. I don’t care how many times the baby just pooped, how many gallons she produced, and how finished you reckon she must be by now. I’m telling you, before you take that diaper off, get another diaper ready NOW NOW NOW. Maybe two diapers. Maybe a towel you never cared for.
I blame the baby!
I’m not gonna lie to you: ever since I had the baby, if you took all of my thoughts and put them in a bag and shook it hard, nothing would happen. Because the bag would be empty! Nothin’ in my noggin.
Which is not to say that I’m going to stop talking. Today, just for de heck of it, Mark Shea is going to humor me and let me ruin an entire hour of his radio show, Connecting the Dots, by talking about . . . errything! I already have a long list of topics, but as my grandmother always used to say, more is more. So call in to join us at 1-855-949-1380.
Listen live here from 5-6 eastern. You can also hear podcasts of previous shows here.
The expense of obtaining a decree of nullity makes it difficult for some people to come into full communion with the Church. When annulments are expensive, there is also the risk that outsiders (or even Catholics) perceive that annulment is just “Catholic divorce,” for sale to parishioners with enough ready cash. But here’s the problem: it really does cost money to do it right.
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