simchajfisher

10 Ways to Insult a Catholic Blogger (and Why You Shouldn’t Bother)

1. You’re just trying to get attention with this! Oh gosh-all-whillikers, not attention! You mean that I made an effort to write in such a way as to persuade people to click on the headline, think about what I said, and elicit a response of some kind? Is outrage! Next time I have a thought, I’ll jot it down on an orange peel and bury it under the shed. You know, for the greater glory of God.

(If I’m writing flagrantly click-baity headlines, attaching photos of Mila Kunis’ chestal area, or just plain lying about stuff, then that’s no good. But just being interesting? That’s my job.)

Read the rest at the Register.

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Maria Goretti didn’t die for her virginity

Or she wasn’t canonized just because she managed to remain a virgin, anyway.

Let’s back up. When you think about holiness, do you fall into bathwater thinking?

Bathwater thinking is when you forget the baby — the living, breathing, vulnerable persons in front of you — and instead, you wallow around in that warm, familiar bathwater of your indisputably worthy cause.

Think about St. Gianna Molla. A good many people believe that this woman’s greatness came in her eager, joyful acceptance of death in order to save her baby. Not so. It is true that she was willing to accept the risk of death when she refused the therapeutic hysterectomy that would have killed her unborn child. And she did end up giving her life so that her baby could live. But the whole time, she prayed and hoped and longed to live. She wasn’t devoted to being pro-life: she was devoted to her baby. And she wanted to live, so that she could be with her baby and her husband and the rest of her beloved children. She was pro-life: she hoped for life in abundance, including her own.

The same is true, in a somewhat different way, for St. Maria Goretti, whose feast is today. Over and over, I’ve heard this saint praised as a holy girl who prized her viginity so highly that she was willing to die to defend it. And she did die as a result of defending her viginity. But when her would-be rapist attacked her, she pleaded with him to stop because he would be committing a mortal sin, and he would go to hell. She didn’t say, “Please, please, spare my virginity!” She begged him to spare himself.

This is what it looks like when someone is close to God: because they love God, they want to spare the person in front of them. They are in love with living human beings, not in love with virtue in the abstract. They are focused not on the idea of morality, but on the person whose life and safety (whether physical or spiritual) are at stake.

In Maria Goretti’s case, she was focused on her rapist — and it was her love for him, and not her blindingly pure devotion to virginity, that converted him and brought him to repentance before he died. That is how conversions happen. That is how people are saved: when other people show love for them. It’s about other people. It’s always about our love for God expressed as love for other people. That’s why, before someone is declared a saint, they have to perform two miracles for people still on earth. Even after death, it’s not about the cause or the system or the virtue in the abstract. It’s always about our love for other people.

Ideas like holiness, chastity, humility, charity, diligence, or any other virtue that springs to mind when you think of a saint? These are bathwater. These are the things that surround and support the “baby” of love in action. A bath without bathwater is no good; but a bath without someone to be bathed is even more pointless. God doesn’t want bathwater saints, ardently devoted to a cause or a principle or a movement or a virtue. God wants us to love and care for each other. Love for each other is how we order our lives. Love for each other is how we serve God.

Love for each other is how we imitate Jesus. He didn’t die for the cause of salvation; He died for us, as billions of individual beloved children.

It’s not an either/or: we don’t have to choose between pursuing virtue and showing love. But virtue doesn’t exist in a vaccuum, and the pursuit of holiness doesn’t mean anything unless it’s manifest in love for each other. It’s always about our love for other people. Otherwise, what’s the point?

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Image via Wikimedia Commons: By Giuseppe Brovelli-Soffredini[1] (Original source of this reproduction is unknown) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

This post was originally published in a different form in February of 2014.

Poetry-ize your house for the summer

Behold my triumph in a stealth supplemental classical education! My nine-year-old son, the one affectionately known as “Rat Boy,” came up to me and said, “I really liked that thing you put up, the one about the cows and everything.” He meant the great G. M. Hopkins poem “Pied Beauty,” which I had printed out, matted on construction paper, and tacked over his gerbil’s tank without comment.

He and his siblings certainly did not want to memorize poems when we were homeschooling! Boy, did they not want to. But I’ll be darned if I didn’t hear my seven-year-old (also known as “Rat Boy.” What can I say? They act ratty) muttering, “What the hammer? What the chain? In what furnace was thy brain?” Yes, folks, my boys are reading poetry, and they are enjoying it.

As I’ve mentioned, it’s good to be a decent writer no matter what your profession or vocation; and the best writing comes from people who read a lot, and who have certain ponderous, glorious, melodious phrases steeping in their brains. It’s good to own these phrases whether we’re consciously thinking of them or not — whether we understand what they mean or not. So I’m on a poetry rampage these days . . . but a stealthy one. No nagging, no prodding, no pedantics or pleading.

I just sat down and skimmed through lists of famous poems, picking out my favorites, and printed them out in a large, plain font (it takes forever to write poems out by hand, for some reason). Then I cut each page down to the size and shape of the poem, rather than leaving them on 8.5×11 paper — I think they look more appealing, less easy to ignore as educational-type stuff, if they’re nonstandard shapes. Then I matted them on whatever color paper seemed appropriate (again, to make them more decorative and appealing, and less scholarly in appearance), and went around the house tacking them to walls.

I tried to make the placement relevant (“Love (III)” goes under Rublev’s icon of the Trinity; “Dust of Snow” goes next to the window on the side of the house where there are, in fact, crows and trees), but went first for places where I’ve noticed that people tend to hang around staring at the walls already. Then I didn’t say a word about them, and just waited for the kids to notice. I think the key was not making a big deal about it — just doing it because I felt like doing it. No pressure, so they had no motivation to rebel or be difficult.

Here are the poems I hung up, chosen mostly because they’re fairly short and have wonderful sounds and/or images:

“The Tyger” William Blake
“Still, Citizen Sparrow” Richard Wilbur
“Dust of Snow” Robert Frost
“Spring and Fall” G.M. Hopkins
“Love (III)” George Herbert

and here are the ones awaiting colorful matting as soon as I remember where I left the construction paper:

“Thirteen Ways of Looking At a Blackbird” Wallace Stevens
“When I Was One-and-Twenty” (from A Shropshire Lad) A. E. Housman
“Epistemology” Richard Wilbur
“The Lake Isle of Innisfree” William Butler Yeats
“The Force That Through the Green Fuse Drives the Flower” Dylan Thomas
“maggie and milly and molly and may” e. e. cummings
“The Walrus and the Carpenter” Lewis Carroll
“Nothing Gold Can Stay” Robert Frost
“Mock On, Mock On, Voltaire, Rousseau” William Blake
“At the Sea-Side” Robert Lewis Stevenson
“Marginalia” Richard Wilbur
“I Knew a Woman” Theodore Roethke

I wanted to put “She Dwelt Among the Untrodden Ways,” but we have a Lucy, whom we do not want to creep out. Otherwise, I gave my self full permission to just pick stuff that I happen to like for whatever reason, and didn’t feel obligated to choose Important Works Students Ought To Learn.

Oh, it’s so easy! I’m very happy about this idea, and I don’t see how it could possibly do any harm. When we stopped homeschooling, I was very glad to have someone else take over all the work, but felt persistently of blue that the curriculum was a little flat. Now I feel like I’ve snuck vitamins into all their favorite snacks, and their days are bound to be richer.

Lots of people hang up quotes from saints or favorite authors, and I think this is a great idea, too. But for now, I’m just pushing sounds and images. Do you do this at your house? What’s on your walls?

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This post originally ran at the Register in 2012.

In defense of deploring poor taste

You should know that terrible times have a sifting effect, letting the truly important human experiences of loss and pain and death and forgiveness stand out in high relief — and that if your lesser pain gets sifted away, then you just deal with that. You just do. Because to raise your hand in protest at the minor outrage you’ve suffered, when the bodies of the dead are barely cooled, is just . . . .in such poor taste.

Good taste is not much of a virtue to strive for. In the hall of monuments to human achievement, it’s only a modest bust, at best. But my goodness, it’s something.

Read the rest at the Register.

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The Stupids Get On Board the Potty Train

Sorry for the bloggy silence lately! Lots of writing deadlines coming up (if you could spare a prayer I do a good job, I’d appreciate it very much!), plus birthday parties, doctor appointments, potty training, and July 4th (which we’re having at our house, and which is bringing out the Marney in me).

Maybe you’re wondering where I was on Monday, during my radio spot with Mark Shea. Well, I was lying down, because I forgot it was Monday. Sorry. It wasn’t because I didn’t feel like talking about gay marriage, honest! But I wasn’t heartbroken that I missed that opportunity, either. Anyway, you can hear podcasts of Mark’s shows here. He has four other co-hosts, and they’re so fancy, they know what day it is.

Speaking of radio, Jennifer Fulwiler was kind enough to invite me back on her Sirius XM radio show for a segment tomorrow (Thursday the 2nd) sometime around 2:15 eastern. (You can find podcasts of Jen’s show here, including the show where I explained how the Church is like a TARDIS.)

Oh, you want to hear more about potty training? Sure, fine. All you have to do is wait until your kid is 3-1/2 and hanging obscenely out of her size 6 diapers.

(Via Sanctimommy.)This is the advantage of having ten children. I don’t read things like this and think, “This doesn’t bother me, because I know I have good reasons for doing things the way I do them.” I just think, “Yep, I’m a bad parent. Oh well. Hey, maybe she’ll give me some of her candy!”

Then you spend six weeks loudly moaning and groaning about how disgusting diapers are. This does not require acting lessons.

Then you wait until your teenager daughter goes on summer vacation, wave $20 in front of her face, and arm her with a pack of My Little Pony panties, three pounds of assorted bribe candy, a new potty shaped like a pink ladybug, and a giant “surprise present” (fittingly, a water table) to be earned as a grand prize for when the kid not only uses the potty regularly, but stops bursting into tears when we insist that she dump it out herself. It took maybe a week, but miss soggy bottom is all potty trained now, and I didn’t have to clean up any puddles of anything. Ta dah!

The general rule for potty training is: you can potty train them when they’re ready, or you can potty train them until they’re ready, but either way, it won’t happen until they’re ready. (In our case, Benny was ready, but she didn’t know she was ready; hence the disparaging remarks and the candy.)

Well, bye! And remember, as a married woman you are now required to contribute on an adult level. And bring a serving spoon, not a soup spoon. A serving spoon!

Will the Catholic Church be hurt by the Supreme Court’s ruling on gay marriage?

Hats off to everyone who was surprised by today’s Supreme Court ruling that states cannot constitutionally ban gay marriage. Hats off for your optimism and your faith in the judicial branch!

Those of us with a more jaded view knew that this ruling was inevitable, and that the seeds for this decision were sown decades ago, when contraception and no fault divorce became the norm. If marriage is just a financial and emotional arrangement to make adults happy, why not gay marriage? If marriage is just an official pronouncement that some people love each other, then why not? Gay people can love each other.

Of course, Catholics don’t believe that marriage is just an official pronouncement that some people love each other. And of course our job remains what it has always been: to faithfully, doggedly, charitably continue to explain that a sacramental marriage is between one man and one woman for the benefit of their children, for the benefit of society, and for the benefit of each other. It’s not that we will not accept gay marriage, it’s that we cannot.

If we Catholics are clear on what marriage is, how much will it affect us when the rest of the country is all mixed up? I don’t believe that priests and ministers will be prosecuted – jailed, fined, or strung up in the public square – for refusing to officiate at gay marriages. But I do believe that churches are in immediate danger of losing their tax exempt status if they are found to discriminate against people in gay (and other non monogamous, non hetero) unions.

If you read the bottom of Huffington Post or any typical American combox, you’ll get the impression that churches are exempt from paying taxes because, in the bad old days, religion was in control and the poor taxpayers didn’t know any better than to fork over their hard earned dollars to a bunch of corrupt prelates who spent it on fancy robes, wine, and cages in which to imprison women and the occasional altar boy (and if we’re talking about Los Angeles, this was more or less true. It’s getting better!).

But now we know better, says the bottom of the internet, So tax ‘em, but good! Seem fair, especially if you’ve been taught that religion is mainly a giant oppression machine.

But the truth is, churches are tax exempt because they are good for the community. They serve the people, and the revenue they take in shouldn’t be taxed by the government because it’s used to do the work that government isn’t able to do on its own. Even if you think there is no God, you have to admit that churches do good for the community even while teaching and believing things that the community isn’t always happy to hear. This has always been the case.

In my state of New Hampshire, nearly every charitable organization is run by Catholic Charities. Food, shelter, counselling, services for homeless people, abused women, and immigrants — Catholic Charities does it all. They run under names like “NH Food Bank,” but it’s all Catholic Charities; and Catholic Charities is, of course, inseparable from the Catholic Church.

So what would happen if churches lost their tax exemption? Poof goes Catholic Charities (and all the fine organizations manned and funded by non-Catholic churches, as well! The Catholic Church is the largest charitable organization in the world, but it is by no means the only one). Poof goes their ability to serve the poor, the widow, the orphan, the homeless, the nuts, etc. etc. Poof go the vulnerable.

Goodness knows we’ve already seen how this works. When Catholic organizations declined to place children with gay couples for adoption and foster care, they lost their contract with many states. They were unable to comply with a law that violated their faith, and so they were forced to shut down. This secular media portrayed this as “evil Catholics would rather abandon helpless children than make a loving couple’s dream come true” rather than “society would rather see children go without parents if it means that gay couples won’t be able to work with every agency in the state.” So we know that the Tolerance Inc. has no qualms about sacrificing the helpless if they think they can make Christians hurt; and we know that these injuries will be portrayed as self-inflicted.

What to do about it? I have no idea. It makes some sense to get churches altogether out of the business of offering civil marriages. If the state wants to define marriage, let the state performs all those marriages, and let people pursue sacramental marriages in the churches as a separate thing. I suspect that even then, if sacramental and civil marriage are decoupled, churches will face discrimination lawsuits, just like bakers and inn owners faced lawsuits for refusing to facilitate gay couple’s weddings. They’ll win some and lose some. There is no legal coherence in this country anymore.

People have no idea how much our nation depends on the Church. Well, they’re about to find out.

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Because I said I would: Nope, the CDF has not ruled Medjugorje non-supernatural

So the Italian media was wrong! Dun dun dunnnnn. I said I would acknowledge it if yesterday’s report turned out not to be true, so here I is. According to an interview in the Register with Father Ciro Benedettini in the Vatican Press Office

The Vatican said Friday that contrary to reports in Italian media, no decision has been made regarding certain doctrinal and disciplinary aspects of alleged Marian apparitions at Medjugorje.

The CDF is slated review a report made after three years of investigation of the alleged apparitions, but they have not reviewed it or made a statement about it yet. According to the Register:

Vatican Insider reported Friday that the CDF did hold a feria quarta meeting but that took place on June 17, and the issue of Medjugorje was not discussed.

So, we’re still in a holding pattern. I’m content to wait weeks, months, or years until the CDF and Pope Francis speak definitively. While the alleged apparitions are ongoing (as they have been for over thirty years), the Holy See will not say, “Yes, this is a true apparition” — because what if they gave it the green light, and then Mary suddenly started saying “Everybody wear your underwear on the outside and go kill the Pope”? That’s-a no good.

But while the alleged apparitions are ongoing, they may certainly say, “There is no supernatural activity here, so you may not behave as if there is.” This is what I expect them to say.

In the meantime, Jimmy Akin assembles some facts, including several comments by Pope Francis indicating that he is skeptical at best about the validity of apparitions in Medjugorje.

And Howard Kainz, back in 2012, wrote a crushing summary of the various bizarre and disconcerting details that have surrounded Medjugorje since the beginning. A thorough and enlightening read.

It couldn’t hurt to say this one more time:

Have there been good fruits from Medjugorje? Absolutely. Absolutely. People have had profound and sincere spiritual experiences, including messages of consolation, miraculous healing, and conversion. If the Pope comes out on his balcony wearing a “Medjawhoosis stinks!” t-shirt tomorrow, none of that will change. Good fruits are good fruits, and nobody’s trying to take that away (even while pointing out the myriad bad fruits that also have grown).

But good fruits can come from . . . anywhere. The Holy Spirit is ready, willing, able, and ridiculously eager to come to us when we do things like go to confession, pray the rosary, receive communion, go to adoration, and open our hearts sincerely to God. That’s just what the Holy Spirit is like: not picky! My parents used to go to the Community Bible Chapel, where many of the holy people there spoke in tongues and even prophesied, because they loved the Lord and gave their lives to Him. Does this mean it was the one true Church? Nope. Once they realized the fullness of truth was elsewhere, they left, and sheltered themselves in the arms of the Catholic Church and her magisterium.

So, wait and see. And once again: pray for everyone who will be wounded and confused when the Holy See speaks. It’s not something I look forward to with glee; but I do anticipate it the way you anticipate a doctor lancing an infected wound. You know it’s going to hurt, but it has to happen eventually.

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Italian journalists: CDF says Medjugorje is not supernatural

Catholic World News says (emphasis mine):

According to several Italian journalists—notably Vatican-watch Gianluca Barile—the CDF agreed with [a special papal] commission’s finding that there is no evidence of supernatural activity at Medjugorje.

The only direct news reports about the CDF’s findings I can find so far are in Italian, so we will have to wait for more details. So far, nothing I’ve read surprises me.

If these initial reports are true, the next step is for Pope Francis to give the final word. He has given no indication that he sees the devotion to the alleged apparitions at Medjugorje in a favorable light, and has given many hints that he is suspicious at best.

I’ve written about the many red flags warning faithful Catholics away from behaving as if there are ongoing apparitions of Mary in Medjugorje — the reddest flag being the widespread disobedience to legitimate authority that so many Catholics display.

CWN says:

The CDF, according to the Italian media reports, has essentially supported the judgment rendered in 1991 by the bishops of what was then Yugoslavia. The CDF will reportedly recommend that pastors should not sponsor or support events that presume the reality of the visions claimed by the Medjugorje “seers.”

However, the CDF will reportedly urge recognition of Medjugorje as a special “place of prayer,” in light of the numerous reports of intense spiritual experiences enjoyed by visitors there. Pilgrimages to Medjugorje will not be forbidden, provided that they do not center on the alleged apparitions.

Sounds reasonable to me. It’s easy to become frustrated with the Church’s slow response to this and other matters. Why not just swat it down, we wonder? And the answer is that, like any good mother, the Church never wants to shut any of her children out in the cold. A bruised reed she will not break, and a smoldering wick she will not quench.

As I’ve said many times, I fully believe that hundreds or thousands of Catholics have had genuine spiritual experiences at Medjugorje. I’ve said many times that this “good fruit” is no proof that Mary is appearing to Ivan & co. every day on schedule like a performing puppet. Instead, it’s proof that God loves us and wants to be with us, and is willing to meet us where we are.

So, we’ll see where we are with Medjugorje. I hope and pray that there will be no division or defection from the Church when (okay, fine, if) Pope Francis agrees that there is no supernatural activity there. Catholics who are extremely devoted to “Our Lady of Medjugorje” would do well to prepare themselves to obey the Pope, no matter what he says.

Knock knock! Who’s there? A Catholic.

As an evangelist, I’m laboring under a triple whammy: I’m a New Englander, I’m shy, and I’m a Catholic. (Also I was in my pajamas, but so is half the country.) All three together mean that I’m entirely focused on closing the door as quickly as I can and getting back to my comfortable, private living room. I have almost zero inclination to tell a stranger, “Hey, have you heard about this magnificent truth which will transform you life? Let me tell you . . .”

But that is what the Pope (and all the Popes since Peter, for goodness’ sake) has been telling us to do: not to be content with hunkering down and preserving the Faith within our fortress, but to actively go out and spread the Good News.

Read the rest at the Register.

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Make homemade vanilla extract now for Christmas gifts!

Last year, we gave a bunch of people homemade vanilla extract for Christmas. Was it appreciated? I have no idea. But we kept a bunch for ourselves, and it is wonderful. Here’s our current personal stash:

It was quite cheap, and you can really taste the difference in recipes over store bought vanilla extract. (The boys also add a bit to their mice’s drinking water a few times a month, to make them stink a bit less. In theory.)

Best of all, it’s SUPER EASY. The only hard part is thinking ahead a bit. It takes a month at the very least, but the longer you let it sit, the nicer it gets. All you have to do is buy some cheap liquor, split or chop a bunch of vanilla beans, throw them in the bottle of alcohol, and wait. (More detailed directions here, but there’s really not much more to it.)

We used Smirnoff Vodka, but you can use rum or bourbon. Buying expensive liquor won’t make it taste any better, so go for cheapski or middleski.

You can make it in individual bottles,

or make it in one big bottle and then decant it into something more decorative when you’re ready to give it to people.

We bought bottles like these (8 oz. each, case of 12 for about $20), but there are many lovely varieties to be found online. If I had time, I’d scout out thrift stores and find some pretty, old fashioned bottles in interesting shapes. Just make sure they have a tight cap or cork!

We chose Madagascar vanilla beans like these (about 30 beans for about $20). I think we may go with Mexican beans this year (they are supposed to have a spicier taste, but are a bit more expensive). Here’s an assortment of different types of beans (40 for about $20)

plus labels like this, so we could personalize the bottles

or you could go with tags. Lots of possibilities here, to make it as cute or elegant or artsy as you like.

I just bought a bunch of cheery red bows and tied them on with jingle bells from the dollar store, and it made cute little packages. This would also work for wedding or party favors, depending on how you decide to dress the bottles up.

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