Snickering through museums: How we managed to enjoy Renoir: The Body, The Senses

While hunting around for some images from the Renoir: The Body, The senses exhibit, I came across this review in The New Yorker, which begins, “Who doesn’t have a problem with Pierre-Auguste Renoir?”

Um.

I skimmed, I skimmed. The upshot seems to be that Renoir was a misogynist because boobs, but we should halfway forgive him, because art. And that’s why I live at the P.O.

We did make the drive to the Clark Art Institute to catch the exhibit in person before it left town. Here’s how we managed to have a wonderful time, despite how problematic everything is:

We do actually have some issues to overcome when we spend exclusive time with art. Damien calls it “museum anxiety:” that terrible fear that you’re missing out on something exquisite and important; that you’re not “getting it.” In the past, I have recommended bringing kids along with you — not just for their own sakes, but because we can follow their lead and skip right over the pretensions and anxieties so many adults labor under.

Even if you don’t have kids with you, you can imitate their approach, and it will dissipate that stifling museum fog. I did this when I had the rare opportunity to spend 45 minutes alone in the Princeton Art Museum. I went for the ancient art gallery, and decided I would let myself laugh out loud at anything that struck me as funny — and there was a lot of it.

After about the fourth room at the Renoir exhibit, I got softened up, and recalled I had no obligation to try to impress the other grave, whispering museum-goers with their complicated necklaces and flowy linen pants. I actually went a little overboard, and when I saw yet another elderly gentleman soberly studying a set of rosy, glowing ass cheeks, I had to stifle the urge to sneak up behind him and emit a falsetto, “Niiiiiice!” like Peter Venkman. But seriously, Renoir: quite the ass man. And why not? They pretty. 

Letting myself snicker a bit breaks down my head garbage and leaves me much more open to stuff that’s not funny at all, but just plain beautiful. This one hit me right between the eyes and made me cry, and I can’t even remember why. 

I think I was just glad to be alive, with eyeballs.

They had some thought-provoking pairings at this exhibit, which included not only Renoir but Degas and Cezanne and other contemporaries, as well as later artists influenced by Renoir. One interesting set was a Renoir “Woman Combing Her Hair” (which really doesn’t narrow it down much) and a Degas also showing a half-nude woman combing her hair (which I can’t seem to find anywhere).

Here’s where I have to admit that I know what the guy was talking about in the New Yorker. The two paintings were of similar subject, but Renoir had buttered his gal up to a light-filled sheen, and the entire world faded into a hazy chorus rejoicing in the loveliness of women’s backs. But Degas approached the woman from above, and you got the impression she had a book propped awkwardly on her thighs to while away the time while she was painted. You felt the strain in her muscles; whereas Renoir’s gal would probably be content to stay there forever, endlessly brushing in the golden sun. This is no knock on the Renoir. It was just different, that’s all. Both women were real flesh, really real flesh (and Renoir apparently got dinged by critics by showing too much fat and including too many colors); but I got the impression Degas was more aware that they were human, too.  

It’s strange how you see something better once you have something to compare it to. Like Richard Wilbur says:

I said the trees are mines in air, I said
See how the sparrow burrows in the sky!
And then I wondered why this mad instead
Perverts our praise to uncreation, why
Such savour’s in this wrenching things awry.
Does sense so stale that it must needs derange
The world to know it? 
 
I take Wilbur’s answer to the question “why this mad instead?” to be “it just do.” If it works, it works. My senses do stale, and I’m just glad there’s a remedy, whether it’s juxtaposing art, or just snickering.
 

I actually enjoyed the rest of the museum more than the special exhibit. It’s a world-class collection, well worth the trip on its own, but small enough that you can see everything without dashing around like a maniac. The Clark does a good job with its labels, providing little bits of information you might not pick out on your own, but without dictating too narrowly what you’re supposed to think of a particular piece. 

Among some Degas studies was a quote about how an artist should practice a composition over and over again, hundreds or thousands of times, so that nothing must appear to be by chance. I could see that was how he did it — there were the many, many studies, right before my eyes — but the end result was that it did appear to be by chance. Even when you know it’s a grindingly hard-won skill honed over thousands of hours, it does feel like the artist just happened to casually snag some familiar arc of the arm or angle of the elbow or weight of a thigh. Pff, Degas, what does he know about art. 

There are a number of Renoirs in the permanent collection, including this one, which struck me for the first time as something of an inside joke for artists: Here is this gal, dressed to the nines to sit in her garden and embroider. 

She’s surrounded by lush, boisterous foliage and blossoms, and what is she making so intently?

A little handkerchief with a little, delicate, stylized floral pattern on it.

I don’t know, I just thought it was funny. Flowers vs. floral. Art! What are we even doing? I don’t know, but we can’t seem to stop. 

Many Renoirs showed women with their fingers working closely together, with something lovely flowing out from between them like a waterfall. 

Women are like that, I guess.

Damien and I both adored all the John Singer Sargents. The Clark has the slightly silly but entirely successful Fumée d’Ambre Gris, which you should be required to study before you can buy white paint. 

and several others. The Portrait of Carolus Duran really grabbed us.

You want to use words like “deft” and “confident” with John Singer Sargent, but that’s so inadequate. Check out these hands and cuffs:

Look at those shadows! Look at that ring! And you know these are just little phone pictures. You really need to see it.

Same thing with the portrait of Mme. Paul Escudier.

You could almost get a paper cut on the edge of that ribbon plopped on top of her head, but then you get really close and what do you know? It’s just paint. I don’t know how he did it, except that he believed in himself! Ha.

We kept coming back to A Venetian Interior.

This is where I want to find and murder the guy who recently suggested that museums are obsolete, since we now have digital photos of all art and can just go look at it whenever we want. You have to see it in person. We both felt very strongly that that one streak of yellow wasn’t actually paint, but was actual light, and it’s probably why he decided to paint this scene.

They also have several Winslow Homers, which is always a treat. Wear a jacket, because some of them are brisk. 

Speaking of brisk, I think some people sneer a little over Frederick Remington, because it’s American White House horsey art. Maybe I’m making that up. Anyway, check out this shadow of a horse on the snow in the moonlight, and then get back to me:

This is from “Friends or Foe?”

A few other random things that caught my eye:

This fond, doting Mary from the Netherlands:

This is from Virgin and Child with Saints Elizabeth and John the Baptist. Quinten Massys, 1520. 

And these terrible children with a cat who has just about had enough:

And that’s why this cat lives at the P.O.

One final note: They had another special exhibit downstairs: Ida O’Keeffe, the lesser-known sister of Georgia O’Keeffe. Apparently there were three artistic O’Keeffe sisters, and when the other two started showing some inclination toward art, Georgia swatted them down pretty savagely, because you can only have one Artist per family. One sister meekly abandoned her ambitions, but Ida struggled to make her own name; so Gerogia cut her off. Sheesh!

So before we went into the gallery, I mentioned to Damien that Ida wanted some way to set herself apart from the more famous Georgia and her famous . . . flowers. He says, “Well, that’s easy. All she had to do was paint penises, instead.” I snickered, but you know what? We walked into the room, and this is what Ida did:

Talk about a “mad instead.” (She also painted some banana plants.)

Anyway, go see a art! Cut yourself some slack, let your mouth hang open like a yokel, and just see what there is to see. Don’t forget to laugh at the funny ones.

You can probably skip the museum cafe, though. That really is there just to impress you and make you feel like you can’t complain when it’s terrible; but nobody in the world needs to pay $16 for a microwaved grilled cheese, even if it is called “croque monsieur.” 

What’s for supper? Vol. 186: The world is cold, but food is warm.

Everyone is sick and mopey and overworked, and there is frost on the windshield in the morning. And we’ve decided that Corrie is watching far too much TV, so we are doing a little detox there, which is hard on everyone.  So I focused on cozy, unchallenging meals for this week. Here’s what we had:

SATURDAY
Steak, hot bread, salad

Well, London broil. That’s a steak, right? Everyone looked so droopy and sad, I thought we could all use some steak, and it happened to be on sale. Damien seasoned and broiled them, and I bought a few of those pull-apart bread rings and threw them in the oven right before supper. I put out some salad but it remained largely unmolested. 

The pictures are lackluster but the meat was great. Much better than the other way around, as sometimes happens. 

SUNDAY
Grilled ham and cheese, chips

Sunday we went to Mass and I led my first faith formation class, which went great! Overall. Some of those kids know a lot and some of them know hardly anything, but they are all interested in Jesus! And why not? He is an interesting guy. 

We came home for lunch and some of us were clever enough to fix ourselves steak and cheese sandwiches. 

Then we met my dad and went apple picking at our absolute favorite orchard, Wellwood Orchards in Springfield, Vt. It’s way up in the mountains where the air is so clean and good. You buy your bags and then get into a wagon, and a tractor pulls you wherever you want to go. We wanted mostly Macintosh, Macouns, and Cortlands, although some of the younger and more naive children were swayed by the deceit of that apple that calls itself “delicious.” 

This orchard has a little farm animal petting zoo, with cute little goaties and fancy ridiculous chickens, and the sun shone down, and the air smelled like apples, and it was just a good day. There are a bunch of pictures on my FB page. Here’s my favorite:

We also stopped at the Vermont Country Store and spent more money on candy than I have ever imagined it was possible to spend on candy. Irene bought wax lips with fangs, because Monday is school picture day and she’s not made of stone. 

MONDAY
French toast casserole, sausages, plums, OJ

Continuing the theme of “life is cold; here is some food that is hot.”

I’ll do my best to make a recipe for french toast casserole, but it turns out different every time. It’s definitely a good meal for kids to help you make. Although I would not recommend letting your very contagious four-year-old mix the orange juice in the other room. We ended up making a whole separate batch for those who did not wish to drink plague juice. 

I browned up some frozen breakfast sausages and set out a bowl of sweet little plums, lovely, dusky little plums. 

TUESDAY
Pork and ricotta meatballs on spaghetti with Marcella Hazan’s sauce

Sometimes you see a recipe and you just know. This one, from the NYT, calls for ground pork, ricotta, parmesan, bread crumbs, eggs, and salt and pepper, and that’s it. You bake them, so it’s nice and easy.

They don’t look like much, but they are delightfully fluffy and so full of flavor (although I thought the amount of salt it called for was way too much), with little creamy pockets of cheese. I ended up using three pounds of pork and one pound of ground beef, and more parm than the recipe called for, and panko bread crumbs; so I guess that’s a good enough reason to make up my own recipe card. I had to cook them ahead of time and then heat them up in the sauce, but next time I want to cook them right before we eat them, so they can be as light as possible. They did soak up a lot of the sauce, which was unexpected. Possibly because of the panko bread crumbs.

I made Marcella Hazan’s miraculous three-ingredient sauce in the morning in the crock pot.

Boy, does it not look like it’s going to be delicious. BUT IT IS. 

This was a popular meal, and we have been snacking on meatballs all week. In fact, the other day, I was working and thinking about meatballs and asked Benny to snag me a couple. This is what she brought me:

WEDNESDAY
Hot dogs, beans, fries

This meal was just a gift to myself. I actually asked Benny and Corrie to make it for me, and they somehow didn’t do a very good job, but still. 

THURSDAY
Nachos

Again, no culinary adventures, but everyone was happy. I spread tortilla chips in a pan, spread cooked, seasoned ground beef over that, and sprinkled it heavily with shredded cheddar, and then topped it with chopped scallions. The scallions were third gen, if anyone cares. 

I had mine with salsa and sour cream. And very good they are, nachos. 

FRIDAY
Fish tacos

I splurged on batter-fried frozen fish instead of the breaded kind. We have tortillas, shredded cabbage, cute li’l cherry tomatoes, lime wedges, sour cream, and ooops, I forgot to buy avocados. 

Here’s the recipe cards!

 

5 from 1 vote
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French toast casserole

An easy, kid-pleasing meal, pleasant and cozy for breakfast, brunch, or brinner. Use any kinds of bread you have in the house. You can also add raisins, slices of apple, or whatever sounds good. 

I'm not putting measurements in, because you can make this so many different ways, so it's more pastry-like or more custardy. Use the same proportions you'd use to make regular french toast and it will be good. 

Ingredients

  • bread, torn up
  • eggs
  • milk
  • dash of salt
  • white or brown sugar
  • cinnamon
  • vanilla

Instructions

  1. Grease a casserole dish or cake pan. Preheat the oven to 350.

  2. Tear the bread up into chunks and spread them in the buttered pans.

  3. Mix together the eggs, milk, sugar, salt, cinnamon, and vanilla, and pour the batter over the bread. Stir up the bread so all of it is wet. 

  4. If you like, you can let the casserole sit for a few hours to let the egg soak in, but it's not essential.  

  5. Sprinkle the top with more sugar and cinnamon, if you like. Bake for 40 minutes or so, until the egg is all cooked and it's a little toasted on top. Serve in wedges and drizzle with syrup, sprinkle with powdered sugar, or serve with jam or fruit toppings. 

Pork and ricotta meatballs

Adapted from a NYT recipe, found here.  Very easy to put together, and the extra creamy, fluffy, cheesiness make these remarkable. 

Ingredients

  • 1 lbs ground pork
  • 1 lb ground beef or turkey
  • 2+ cups panko bread crumbs
  • 4 eggs, beaten
  • 32 oz ricotta
  • 8 oz grated parmesan cheese
  • 4 tsp freshly ground pepper
  • 4 tsp kosher salt

Instructions

  1. Preheat the oven to 425.

  2. Lightly mix together all ingredients in a bowl. The ricotta doesn't need to be completely incorporated. Form into balls. This makes about 75 walnut-sized meatballs. 

  3. Grease a rimmed baking sheet and arrange the meatballs on it. 

  4. Bake for about half an hour, until the meatballs are slightly browned. 

Marcella Hazan's tomato sauce

We made a quadruple recipe of this for twelve people. 

Keyword Marcella Hazan, pasta, spaghetti, tomatoes

Ingredients

  • 28 oz can crushed tomatoes or whole tomatoes, broken up
  • 1 onion peeled and cut in half
  • salt to taste
  • 5 Tbsp butter

Instructions

  1. Put all ingredients in a heavy pot.

  2. Simmer at least 90 minutes. 

  3. Take out the onions.

  4. I'm freaking serious, that's it!

Fr. Pavone cashes in on dead babies again

You will remember when Fr. Frank Pavone of Priests for Life dragged the naked corpse of a baby onto a consecrated altar, in order to bully Americans into voting for Trump. I guess he wasn’t quick enough to snag the thousands of fetal remains recently discovered in the house of a late-term abortionist; but he’s doing the next best thing: Name the Aborted Babies is up and running on the PFL site:

“Along with bestowing a name . . . ” What gives anyone that right? Are these babies pandas at the zoo, to be “adopted” by critter-loving fans? Or maybe Pavone will offer a certificate of authenticity for only $29.99, so you can proudly display the name of your very own aborted baby in beautiful calligraphy. Suitable for framing, great as a Christmas present. 

This is grotesque. The grotesquerie never ends. 

Naming is an act either of authority, or of ownership — the act of a parent, or of an owner. You don’t get to name a baby unless you’re the parent; and you don’t get to name anything else unless it’s something that can be owned. So what does this mean, for strangers to name unborn babies they’ve never met, who do have parents? Who gave them that right? The abortionist who collected their little bodies apparently saw them as trophies, as something to collect. And now the second wave of vultures descends to squabble over their bodies again.

You cannot restore dignity to unborn babies by treating them like objects, or like trophies, or pets, or mascots, or props. You don’t treat them like objects when you want to kill them, and you don’t treat them like objects when you want to show how pro-life you are. You don’t treat them like objects, because they are human. That’s all there is to it.

But Fr. Pavone, who never met these children and has no idea who they are, will offer you the chance to name them, and all you have to give him in exchange is your email address. No doubt a respectful 24 hours will pass before you start getting appeals for money to reelect Trump in the name of your very own dead baby. 

With our evening prayers, we recite the prayer written by Fulton Sheen: “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I love you very much. I beg you to spare the life of the unborn baby I have spiritually adopted who is in danger of abortion.” It’s a little chewier than I normally get in prayer, but I do it as a tiny act of penance, for the sake of all those unborn babies. “Spiritually adopting” an unborn baby means pledging to pray for him; and praying for a child means turning him over to the Holy Spirit.

So pray, yes, pray for these poor babies. Pray for them as individuals, known and cherished by their Father in Heaven. And pray for their parents. Pray for the mothers — some of whom have surely repented and named their own babies themselves.

But do not dare to let yourself think of these children as something you can have, something you can get a piece of while this story is still hot on social media. They are not yours. They are real people, not gimmicks to inflate a political mailing list. It is grotesque.  

I don’t fault well-meaning pro-lifers who are in agony thinking of those poor children held captive by a ghoul. They read about an outrage, and they want to do something, and this feels like doing something. I don’t fault people looking for something meaningful to do in the face of evil. 

But I do fault Fr. Pavone, and everyone who works with him. His work is a lucrative, scandalous scam. and he should be forced to retreat from the public eye. He is grotesque. 

***

Related reading: The Scandal of the cross, and the scandal of Fr. Pavone

Graphic images have their place, but not at the March for Life

For my series covering pro-lifers actually serving the vulnerable, see:

“Our humanity doesn’t begin at birth, and it doesn’t end at the border.”

St. Joseph’s House and Isaiah’s Promise offer support, respite, and joy to families of the disabled

We Dignify

Gadbois mission trip to Bulgarian orphanage

Mary’s Shelter in VA

China Little Flower

Immigrant Families Together

Rio Grande Valley Catholic Charities Humanitarian Respite Center

photo via Wikipedia (public domain)

The scandal of the cross, and the scandal of Fr. Pavone

[This essay was originally published at The Catholic Weekly in 2016.]

Just before the American presidential election, Fr Frank Pavone, an American celebrity priest, released two scandalous videos. Fr Pavone co-founded and directs Priests for Life, a group dedicated to furthering pro-life causes, mainly through political action, and often by indiscriminately deploying graphic images of aborted fetuses.

In the recent videos, Fr Pavone places a naked, dead, human fetus on a consecrated altar and delivers a long political message supporting Donald Trump. Pavone has been stingingly rebuked by his bishop, both for callously exploiting a dead child as a political prop, and for desecrating an altar. An investigation is underway.

In the wake of this priest’s disgraceful behavior, a protestant friend asked me:

I understand why using a human body to make a point is wrong. Is there any resource to understand why depictions of Christ on the cross (indistinguishable from a bodily state of death) is appropriate? Full disclosure: I am Protestant and the churches I’m most familiar with almost never have the body of Christ depicted on crosses. This is even more confusing to me because we are made in the likeness of God- part of the reasoning behind why using a baby’s body to make a point is not dignified or acceptable. I think that depictions of Christ’s suffering aren’t wrong in general, but alongside of or in the centre of worship it sometimes makes me feel worried. Is this a topic you would tackle or have resources to journey through?

There is a lot I could say about the way that dead child was treated. I’ll let Mother Church speak, because her words are always more measured and fruitful than mine:

CCC. 2300 The bodies of the dead must be treated with respect and charity, in faith and hope of the Resurrection. The burial of the dead is a corporal work of mercy; it honors the children of God, who are temples of the Holy Spirit.

So let’s talk about that crucifix. Naturally, all Christians understand that death is not to be feared or shied away from, because it is the door to eternal life. But … why can’t we Catholics just focus on the “life” part? Isn’t it kind of ghoulish to have all those scenes of execution hanging around? It seems in bad taste at best, and maybe grotesquely backward at worst, as if we’re missing the point – fixating on the problem rather than the happy ending. 

No. The crucifix, corpus and all, gives our Faith and our entire lives meaning. We believe that Christ rose from the dead and that we will, too, someday; but we also understand that, just as Christ suffered on earth, so do we suffer now. And this is why we display so many crucifixes, and not just bare crosses: because we are still in the throes of that suffering. We need the crucifix to remind us that Christ is with us in our struggle. There is no pain, no sorrow, no failure, no fear, no doubt, no grief, no darkness that He did not personally feel and carry and endure.

And we need the crucifix to remind us that all of these things have already been redeemed, once and for all, by the one perfect sacrifice that came about when he willingly suffered and died to buy us back from death. The crucifix is both a reminder that Jesus shares what we suffer, and that Jesus has already taken on all the weight of the suffering we cause. 

When a priest has the immense privilege of saying Mass, Christ actually re-offers Himself, body, blood, soul, and divinity, to the Father. He does not suffer again, and He does not die again; but He does offer Himself again, as a living sacrifice, through the consecrated hands of the priest, because He never tires of giving Himself over for us, His beloved. 

And all of this happens on the altar, which is no mere table or stage set or piece of furniture. It recalls both the table of the Last Supper, where Christ instituted the Eucharist, and the altar on which Abraham was ready to sacrifice his son Isaac, in a prefiguring of the sacrifice that God the Father would make of His own son.

Heaven and earth converge on that altar. 

And this is why the actions of Father Pavone were so appalling. He, as a priest, ought to know better than anyone else that there is nothing that one can add to the sacrifice that takes place on that altar, where the actual body of actual God actually lies. The sacred altar is not the place for jokes, for ad libbing, for politics, or for anything besides the reason it was made: to be a place where God comes down from Heaven.

On that consecrated altar, not only do we join Christ in re-offering the sacrifice of Calvary to the Father, but we take his now-living body into our bodies.

And here’s the crux of it: It really is all about bodies, and how we treat them; the issue of Fr Pavone showing disrespect to the dead baby, and the issue of Fr Pavone showing disrespect to the altar? They are the same issue. You cannot separate them. You cannot take the crucifix away if you want to live. It was no accident that Jesus died such a public death, up on a high hill where everyone could see His shame, His suffering, and His bloody death. Recall how Moses cured the Israelites in the desert by forcing them to look up on the snake mounted on a cross. They had to look in order to be healed. And so must we look at a crucifix if we want to be healed.

If we were unwilling to face, to contemplate, to remember, to glory in the crucifixion, it would be like accepting a gift with thanks, but refusing to look inside. It would be like going to a doctor, but refusing to show him our flesh. It would be like joining in marriage but refusing to come to bed. You cannot refuse the body if you want life. We must look. We must show. For our own sakes, we must not turn away.

The Church teaches us to be careful with how we treat dead bodies, but also to be careful with how we treat living bodies – our own bodies, the bodies of others, and most of all the body of Our Lord. We believe that the consecrated Host is literally the living body of our living God. Before He died, He told us to remember Him, including the sacrifice He made for us. And so we honour that Ever-living God by obeying.

This is why we display crucifixes so prominently in our Churches: Because He told us to. He wanted us to know what He has done and will do for us, with his actual body. On the cross, His poor bleeding arms reached out east and west, stretching out to bring salvation to the generations who came before Christ and to all the generations yet unborn. And the crucifix also extends vertically, as He hung upright, bridging the gap between God and man. 

It’s not just an empty cross. It’s occupied Right in the middle of that intersection of worlds is the body, the body, that undeniably real human body of the Beloved Son, with the fountain of mercy pouring forth from His pierced heart.

To my protestant friend: You say that depictions of Christ’s suffering in the centre of worship makes you feel worried. It should. It should shake you to the core. 

Non-scale victories for your spiritual life

Like half the country, I would like to shed a bit of weight. Before you send me a V.I.P. discount code for your amazing protein shake, let me assure you: I do know how to lose weight. I have done it many times before. There was the time I ate only coffee, ice, lettuce and horrible pre-mixed whiskey cocktails from the gas station. The pounds melted off, and I was an emotional wreck. Then there was the plan where I spent countless hours on the StairMaster while reading Wordsworth and crying. I know they say you cannot lose weight by exercise alone, but what if you are too dizzy to eat? You just have to know how to work it.

With this glory-free history of hitting my goal number on the scale, I am fairly content to be what I am now, which is fat but more or less happy. If I am neither wasting away nor in danger of knocking out close friends when my arteries violently explode, then I feel like I am doing all right (and so does my doctor).

Here is what I have discovered: I have a much better shot of keeping my weight in reasonable check without losing my mind if I think less about the scale and more about “non-scale victories.” Instead of focusing solely on numbers, I accept credit for achieving things that are harder to quantify but are worth so much more—things like reaching the top of the stairs without wheezing, shopping for clothes without sobbing, or finding out the garlic bread is all gone without flying into a rage.

A non-scale victory is when I painfully resist a second helping and realizing once I have cleared my plate that I really am already full. Or when I give into temptation and scarf down far, far more cheese than any sensible being should ingest—but the next day I simply start over with my target plan, rather than spiraling into a black vortex of self-loathing.

What makes these victories both poignant and powerful is they do not reduce me to a clinical number, but instead they acknowledge and rejoice in the specifics of everyday life. Yes, the number on the scale matters, but I am more than a number. And when I see myself as a whole, worthy person with some flaws, rather than as a giant, walking flaw, it is easier to build on what is good.

So let us imagine, for a moment, that my problem is not that I am overweight but that my spiritual life has gone rather flabby. Imagine I look into the mirror of my soul, and I really do not like what I see. What to do?

Read the rest of my latest for America Magazine

Image via needpix

Damien and I are on “This Catholic Life” with Peter Holmes and Renée Köhler-Ryan

This was so much fun! Damien and I were guests on the “This Catholic Life” podcast, co-hosted by of Peter Holmes and Renée Köhler-Ryan. Damien opens the show with an incredibly important question you won’t want to miss, and then we go on to discuss all sorts of issues surrounding NFP and sex and love and suffering and happiness and whatnot! And, not to be that person, but fully half the people on this episode have a completely adorable Australian accent.

You can listen to the episode here or on these platforms: iTunes, Google Play, Pocket Casts, Spotify, Stitcher, Anchor, TuneIn, Blubrry, Spreaker, Player.fm, Radio Public, Overcast

Damien and I went to college with Renee and it was a pure, pure pleasure to talk to her again. Hope we can do it again before another two decades elapse. 

Sweet mamas, don’t forget to carve out time for these few essentials

Got a new baby? Along with all the joy and fun that comes with welcoming a new child into your home, you will notice some other, unwelcome arrivals: tons and tons of unsolicited advice about how to run your life. Everyone has an opinion about what is really important, and much of this advice conflicts with or contradicts other advice, leaving a new mother feeling confused and overwhelmed.

Be at peace, new mama. There are really only a few essentials to keep in mind, in order to live your life in a happy, healthy, even joyful way.

First of all, remember that self-care is essential. Mothers are expected to care for everyone around them, but how can they do this if they are falling apart themselves? Remember to carve out a small amount of time every day just for you. This might sound selfish, but is it selfish when a car needs gas in its tank?  You must take care of yourself if you want to do your job right.

An essential part of self care is your spiritual life. Mothers are the cornerstone of society, and we simply can’t bear that burden alone. Prayer strengthens us to take on the physical and emotional tasks we face every day (and on through the night!), so it is essential to carve out some time every day for prayer. When we neglect our prayer life, it’s only a matter of time before everything else we attempt will become a shambles. And nobody likes a shambles. 

Speaking of shambles, scientists have shown that order and cleanliness are actually essential to our mental well-being. Chaos and disorder may seem like the easy way out, but they actually make it harder to make decisions and think clearly, which are essential for day-to-day survival in this challenging time. So be sure to carve out some time to straighten up your environment each day, and don’t skip the corners. Don’t be afraid to really scrub hard, and don’t skimp on the bleach. You’ll thank yourself later!

But we can’t always wait for delayed gratification. Sometimes immediate relief is essential, so be sure you’re getting some exercise. Studies have shown that even short bursts of physical movement throughout the course of the release endorphins that go a long way toward keeping our moods stable, our skin clear, our hearts healthy, and our eyes bright and our minds twinkly. Even if you don’t have a full, uninterrupted hour to spare, make it a point to carve out twenty minutes here and there, all day long, all week long, starting right this minute, and really push yourself.  Really push hard. No, even harder than that. Remember the shambles.

You’ll also find regular exercise gives you more energy to do something that is absolutely essential: putting in some one-on-one time with your other kids. It’s all too easy for them to feel displaced and neglected when the new baby comes, so it is essential to carve out some special time to connect with them, consistently and intentionally, academically, emotionally, spiritually, and just for some plain old silly old hands-in mommy-and-me fun, or else they will grow up to be crack whores.

Naturally, kids aren’t the only ones who crave and need connection. Did you know that 84% of new dads are unfaithful in the first four hours after their wives give birth, all because the women who vowed to love them weren’t willing to carve out some time to keep that spark of romance alive? After all, your children are important, but your marriage is a sacrament. A sacrament! A SACRAMENT. Come on. What is the matter with you. 

And what woman can even think about romance when she doesn’t feel pretty?  It is essential that you look pretty. Look prettier! With your hair and your makeup and your clothes, including a flattering, properly-fitted bra that is easy to nurse in, because it is essential to normalize public breastfeeding, which is beautiful, but also don’t be a big weirdo about it, because that is not attractive. If you’re not attractive, the world will see your eye bags and your hip bags and your bag bags, and they think that babies make women ugly, and that will be the end of babies, and there will be darkness and void over the face of the earth, and also crack whores. Carve. Out. Time.

Last but not least: enjoy your baby. Oh sweet mamas, these precious days are so fleeting, so don’t forget to carve out some time for joy. Joy time is essential and there just isn’t enough of it. Seriously, time is running out for joy. Set an alarm and get that joy in. 

And that’s it! Just carve out time for these few, simple essentials, and you’ll find that everything else that you need to do just falls into place.

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 A version of this post originally ran at the National Catholic Register in 2015. 

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

What’s for supper? Vol. 185: This potato

We are all sick, so today’s post will contain very little whimsey. Here is what we consumed:

SATURDAY
Chicken burgers, chips, caprese salad

It may be chilly and damp, but the tomatoes are still tasty and abundant, so I made a big caprese salad for a side. Just tomatoes, basil, fresh mozzarella, freshly-ground salt and pepper, and balsamic vinegar and olive oil in a bowl. I didn’t feel like laying out a stunning wheel of color on a platter, and no one complained. 

Someday I’ll go to the trouble to make a balsamic reduction. Or maybe not. Maybe I’ll die without ever having made a balsamic reduction. 

Has anyone given Italy a prize for inventing this dish? They should get a prize.

SUNDAY
Family party

Some of the kids and I zipped off to Rhode Island after Mass for a little housewarming party for my sister. Lovely day!  I really like my family. And I heard a story about a Franciscan friar walking around Rome, dismayed to discover that all the public bathrooms are coin-operated. “If I don’t find a toilet soon,” he says, “I’m gonna pee in Brother Bush.” 

After our trip to NYC, driving around East Providence holds no terrors for me. However, the East Providence Wendy’s on Eddy St., that got two stars on Yelp? Deserves those two stars

MONDAY
Ham, peas, mashed potatoes

Benny’s heart’s desire. She has to have this meal a few times a year or else she turns into a sparrow and flies away forever.

The potato express her joy at suppertime:

I have to admit, it’s a fine meal. It has all three food groups: Starch, green, and ham. 

TUESDAY
Chicken shawarma; frozen grapes

I briefly considered frying some eggplant, but that’s more of a we’re-accustomed-to-the-school-routine kind of dish, and we ain’t there yet. No one complained. They like meals with lots and lots of little bowls of things. 

I had put several pounds of grapes in the freezer, and they make a neat little accompaniment to a savory meal, very sweet and refreshing. 

The green apple in the back is not for the meal. It’s a crab apple from our tree, Marvin, who is having a good year. The apples taste a little odd, so I sometimes make them into applesauce, which has a distinctive tart, smoky taste. I forget why the tree is called Marvin. 

WEDNESDAY
Spicy Thai chicken with basil (Pad Krapow Gai) on rice

A new dish. I had some misgivings about it, since it looked a little spicy for our crowd. But I figured at very least Damien and I and the older kids would like it, and the rest could have rice and leftovers. As it happened, though, every last moderately tolerant person in the house had somewhere else to be at dinner. So I was the only one who even tried it. I made tons, of course. Here is half:

I got the recipe from Allrecipes.com. It was tasty? I really like spicy meals with little nubbins of chicken. It gave the impression of having cashews in it, even though it didn’t.

So it’s chicken cooked with shallots, garlic, and peppers in a sauce made of chicken broth, oyster sauce, fish sauce, soy sauce, and sugar, with fresh basil stirred in at the end. It didn’t caramelize the way it was supposed to, so it didn’t get as dark as the recipe photo, but the flavor was nice and rich. A tangy sauce with fresh basil is always a revelation.

Probably not going into the meal rotation, though. If I’m going to hear that much whining about the smell of hot fish sauce, I need to be rewarded with banh mi

THURSDAY
Meatloaf, baked potato

Another long-promised meal. I make mine with five pounds of ground beef and two pounds of ground turkey. In theory this is to lighten it up, but in practice it’s because Aldi sells beef in five-pound packages, and five isn’t enough, but two would be too much, but their smaller packages of beef are priced higher, but ground turkey is less then two dollars a pound. Also, it lightens it up.

I also happened to have panko bread crumbs (I also had regular bread crumbs, but there was some kind of moth nightmare going on in there), which also lightened it up. I mean, it was still meatloaf, but it wasn’t grisly and heavy. Do you know how many meatloaf recipes tell you to make it in a loaf pan? I don’t understand that at all. You might as well just bathe in grease. I use a broiler pan with drainage. 

We also had some amusing baked potatoes. 

A small section of my brain is lighting up like it’s trying to make a joke about the potato, but that’s as far as I get. 

Meatloaf recipe at the end. Irene suspiciously questioned me about the vegetable she found in her meatloaf. 

Parsley. It’s parsley. The horror. 

FRIDAY
Tuna noodle casserole

They pestered me into putting this on the menu, and I thought I would take the opportunity to pester Damien to take me out to eat. Not that I have to pester him, but we’ve been so busy, we’re practically strangers these days. But I dunno. I have the world’s grossest cold and he’s about 36 hours behind me in incubation, so maybe we’ll just stay home and be sad.

Okay, so tell me about that potato. What’s the deal with that potato?

Chicken shawarma

Ingredients

  • 8 lbs boned, skinned chicken thighs
  • 4-5 red onions
  • 1.5 cups lemon juice
  • 2 cups olive oil
  • 4 tsp kosher salt
  • 2 Tbs, 2 tsp pepper
  • 2 Tbs, 2 tsp cumin
  • 1 Tbsp red pepper flakes OR Aleppo pepper
  • 1 tsp cinnamon
  • 1 entire head garlic, crushed OR bashed into pieces

Instructions

  1. Mix marinade ingredients together, then add chicken. Put in ziplock bag and let marinate several hours or overnight.

  2. Preheat the oven to 425.

  3. Grease a shallow pan. Take the chicken out of the marinade and spread it in a single layer on the pan, and top with the onions (sliced or quartered). If you kept the garlic in larger pieces, fish those out of the marinade and strew them over the chicken. Cook for 45 minutes or more. 

  4. Chop up the chicken a bit, if you like, and finish cooking it so it crisps up a bit more.

  5. Serve chicken and onions with pita bread triangles, cucumbers, tomatoes, assorted olives, feta cheese, fresh parsley, pomegranates or grapes, fried eggplant, and yogurt sauce.

 

Yogurt sauce

Ingredients

  • 32 oz full fat Greek yogurt
  • 5 cloves garlic, crushed
  • 1/4 cup lemon juice
  • 3 Tbsp olive oil
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp pepper
  • fresh parsley or dill, chopped (optional)

Instructions

  1. Mix all ingredients together. Use for spreading on grilled meats, dipping pita or vegetables, etc. 

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Meatloaf (actually two giant meatloaves)

Ingredients

  • 5 lbs ground beef
  • 2 lbs ground turkey
  • 8 eggs
  • 4 cups breadcrumbs
  • 3/4 cup milk OR red wine
  • 1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce

plenty of salt, pepper, garlic powder or fresh garlic, onion powder, fresh parsley, etc.

  • ketchup for the top
  • 2 onions diced and fried (optional)

Instructions

  1. Preheat oven to 450

  2. Mix all meat, eggs, milk, breadcrumbs, and seasonings together with your hands until well blended.

  3. Form meat into two oblong loaves on pan with drainage

  4. Squirt ketchup all over the outside of the loaves and spread to cover with spatula. Don't pretend you're too good for this. It's delicious. 

  5. Bake for an hour or so, until meat is cooked all the way through. Slice and serve. 

Terror sealed in

My kids were three, two, and almost one, and I was newly pregnant on September 11, 2001. My husband was a software trainer, and he spent three days out of most weeks traveling. I spent as much time as I could out of the house in those days, because I was so afraid of feeling trapped. We had a double stroller and a back carrier, and we walked and walked and walked. 

It was a bright, windy day, still warm for September. I had made up some errand to the library on the morning of the 11th. We were still about a mile away from home when a familiar homeless man approached us. He was “the clapping guy,” the one who stalked back and forth all day long, clapping and shouting, warning and declaiming. He stopped, blocking my path, and said several times in weirdly chastened tones something like, “May your family be safe during all the [gesturing wildly] happenings that are going on in these days.” I had enough nonsense in my own life and didn’t need any of his, so I growled, “Yeah, thanks,” stepped around him, and kept walking.

I got home and got on with my day, holding the storm door open with my body as I hoisted the stroller up the steps and onto the porch. Unload the baby, unload the library books, change diapers, say “yes” to ice pops, start some water boiling for macaroni. Do the things you need to do.

I have to look up the timeline for 9/11 to piece together the rest. I remember standing at the white kitchen sink, rinsing out bottles and half-listening to public radio as I always did, gradually realizing they were repeating themselves a lot. That meant something strange was happening. I thought, like so many others, that the first plane crash was an accident, and I only slowly came to understand with a suffocating feeling that it was something else. 

What happened the rest of the day? I don’t remember. My husband was away and I wanted him home so desperately. All planes were grounded, so it took him something like four days to get back by bus. All I remember from that time is breathing shallowly, and seeing nothing but chaos when I closed my eyes. 

We did have a TV, but I don’t remember watching coverage. One child had a fear of owls, and two of them had night terrors, so I zealously shielded them from anything that could be remotely frightening. Or at least I tried. I followed the news by radio, so I don’t have those images of smoke and fire burned into my memory like so many Americans do; but that just meant the terror and confusion was formless. 

What I remember more vividly is trying to work out how to survive an anthrax attack, because that was what came next. We were so poor, I made some brutal budgeting decisions and bought a big roll of duct tape and three dust masks, thinking the five of us could take turns holding our breath if someone decided to wage a chemical attack against quiet little Norton Street. I kept a blanket rolled up in case I needed to seal up the threshold against invisible spoors, and lay awake at night fretting over how to make the tape stick to the hinges. It sounds so foolish now, but nobody knew. Nobody knew what was happening or what might happen next or how to act. We breathed shallowly and believed we would need to seal ourselves up tightly if we wanted our children to survive. 

Everyone talks about 9/12, how united we all were. I don’t remember that, possibly because I was so isolated. I didn’t know what else to do, other than draw my family in and try to seal us off. I do remember the first time the airplanes went into the air again. I was crossing the parking lot at Walmart, pushing a cart full of groceries and kids, because you do what you have to do. Two planes went overhead, one rather low and loud, and everyone stopped. Everyone looked up. Everyone held their breath to see how it would play out.

I remember thinking, in the darkest, innermost room of my heart, that it would be right and just to pack off any captured terrorists to countries who had practice with this kind of thing, so their torturers could get the goods. Just seal it off, do it behind closed doors, and do what you have to do.

We all breathed shallowly at that time; we all saw chaos when we closed our eyes. We had to protect our families, and seal them in.

But eighteen years have passed; enough time to turn into an adult. I was so young and so afraid in 2001. In the eighteen years since then, I’ve learned even more about the things that threaten my family, and I’ve learned even more about how helpless we really are. But the most terrible of all is to see the threats that come from the inside; to see clearly how vulnerable our hearts are, how easily they are deranged with fear.

I don’t have any grand opinions about national security or public policy. It feels strange and unpleasant to talk about myself and my family, our stroller, our apartment, our bedroom door on a momentous anniversary for the country, when other people remember explosions, death, and going off to war. But the small and personal is all I have. Really, the small and personal is all any of us has. All of us, every one of us must guard very closely what happens in our hearts, what we allow to happen to our hearts. When you seal up your hearts, that doesn’t keep terror out. It seals it in. 

More like “gay with us” in new FrancisChurch hidden ideology graphic outrage, EXPOSED

The USCCB has announced the 2019 theme for Catechetical Sunday. It is “Stay with Us,” and here is the graphic to go with it:

My first impulse was to trash this graphic on its merits, but then I realized it doesn’t have any.

Luckily, I am very astute; and so, just for today’s post, I got together and called myself an Institute. If you’re not too lily-livered to continue reading and are ready to have some toxic modernest ideologies unmasked, then prepare to be outraged with all the infiltration that is going on in this seemingly innocuous graphic. 

First up is the blatant theme of mozzarella balls. One mozzarella ball is featured on the facade of the FranciStrocity-style “church” building, and the second is depicted barreling down the road toward Jesus.

It may seem comical for a a food item such as cheese to be included in a religious depiction, but in fact no depiction could be farther from being comical. Mozzarella is known to be associated with the region known as Italy, clearly and deliberately bringing to mind the dictator Mussolini, which obviously refers the even bigger dictator, Bergoglio, who is coming for Jesus like a giant mozzarella ball. This is in a nutshell the new fascism of the far left neo-marxist liberal agenda, and it’s mindblowing that more don’t see it, or do they and do they only wish to not see what is there to see? 

Directly under the mozzarella ball is a gray shape which at first resembles a cup but upon further examination is cleft at the bottom, like a fishtail.

 

This is a clear reference to the Sumerian fish-tailed god Enki, which is pagan, unlike Christianity

There is a whole class about this at Ave Maria.

As a final assault on the decency of the viewer, there appears dangling in the darkened doorway of the “church’s” facade a limb-like object rendered in lighter blue.

Our Lady of Fatima warned us that there would be fashions that would be grieving to Our Lady of Fatima, and to what else could she possibly be making reference to? This is clearly a leg, a woman’s leg, and it’s clad in blue, which is a reference to “bluestockings,” or educated women, which if you read Professor Tony Esolen you would know is why we’re in this fix today.  There is a whole class about this at Thomas More. 

Moving clockwise, we next encounter the smoke of satan. Extremely shocking, but there is not a lot to say about it.

Then there are some brown-skinned gals sorting fruit in a factory and we are okay with this, as long as they’re not working mothers, who should sorting fruit at home. They do appear to have their heads covered and this is commendable.

Directly to their right is depicted a depiction of two construction workers.

At first we were outraged because we thought they were gay, but then Professor Tony Esolen graciously provided us with a seminar which explained that they are simply two burly, sweaty men erecting a giant rod together before they shower in order to keep their minds off silly things. This made sense, so we stopped being outraged about this part. 

Under the wholesome heterosexual part there is a man depicted struggling against some sort of bars.

At first glance this appears to depict a man in prison, possibly referring to those pinko corporal works of mercy, but on closer inspection, the true meaning is even more nefarious. A scholar who goes by the name DeusMaximusVultDogg, who must remain anonymous because toxic feminists keep silencing him because no one understands flirting anymore, believes it to be masonic. We intend to zoom in and take a closer look later when our wife comes back from her obedience class and shows us how to zoom in. 

Can you believe we’re not even halfway through this? This is the price you pay for being rigorous in your scholarship. It’s very tiring, but sometimes this is the white martyrdom to which we are called.

On the lefthand side of the outrage, we have depicted a family with standard-colored skin, with three children and a cat.

The spacing between the ages of the second and third children seems suspiciously large, as if they may have had recourse to that modernistic tool of Satan, the basal thermometer; but the woman is wearing a skirt of a godly length and thus does not appear to be a toxic feminist. The close proximity of the cat, which has close ties to witchcraft, is troubling, but we’ll let it slide out of respect for the major donor and lifelong mentor who keeps this Institute afloat, the esteemed Baron von Tiddlywink. Baron von Tiddlywink likes to talk about how, when the white smoke come out of the chimney on that fateful day in 2013, he got a queasy feeling in his stomach, oh yes he did! And that’s how you know. 

We now arrive at the central outrage of the outrage, which is the depiction of how Jesus Christ is depicted. At first it simply appears to be simply typical of the post-conciliar “religious” art churned out by the dead-eyed spawn of limp-wristed heretics who didn’t even use Seton.

But if you turn the image sideways

you will see that hidden among the folds of the robe are very clear letters: aleph, nun, kaf. 

That’s right. These are Hebrew letters. Hebrew, as in JEW, and NOT THE GOOD KIND OF JEW, either, so it’s NOT ANTISEMITISM, OKAY? NOTHING IS ANTISEMITISM.

And that’s not where the infiltration ends! You will note that “aleph nun kaf” is strangely similar to the letters “A” “N” and “K,” which is a derivation of the wholesome ancient Anglo Saxon letter, “C.” Do you see it? Or are you blind? ANC, or African National Congress, which has clear ties to black people.

Friends, infiltration doesn’t get any more flagrant. They had a whole semester about this at Christendom. 

Also, the gentleman on the left looks like he has a mouth in his hair? Super masonic. 

There is more, but we leave the reader with one final outrage: Note the colors of the road down which the Jew-figure is mincing down: Green, orange, yellow, red, and purple.

Sound familiar?

These are all colors.

Where else have we seen colors?

That’s right: In the rainbow, as in the rainbow that’s been coopted by the pervChurch marxist LGBTQXYZ agenda-infiltrated headscarf-wearing effeminate condom-peddling amazonian nuchurch 

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EDIT 11:49 AM: In the heat of composition I find that I have inadvertently allowed myself to assume the form of Cardinal Burke.

Pax et bonum.